Tuesday, January 25, 2011

cancer is strange sometimes.

its so weird that one second i will feel totally fine and then the next second i am nauseous and too exhausted to drive. that's what happened today. i think i was on a little adrenaline high from this past weekend. seriously i think i was. because this morning our sweet friend dee came over with a meal and we chatted for a while. it was great. i felt alive. it was life giving. not draining. really. i totally felt normal. it had been a great morning with ava and she went down for her morning nap like a champ. even when i left for my doctors appointment i felt pretty good. but as soon as i walked into the waiting room i felt so gross. and usually that only happens during chemo days. but not today. it was bad. i sat in the waiting area and got so sad. sad that i was even there. i do not belong here. and i cried. i have only cried like twice at an appointment since this started. thats pretty good i think. and even when i went back to the treatment room to see my nurse and get my blood results i had to leave the room. just like i did on my first day in there. it was all just too much for me today. i kept thinking over and over...this place is not for me. i felt young because everyone getting chemo today was old. so much older than me. and i felt more out of place than i ever have. so i asked noura if i could wait in my doctors waiting area until my lab work came in and she said yes. and because she is so sweet she came out there with me and we talked about life and how our real friendship will begin once i am done with chemo. because right now the sight of her makes me sick. its not her fault. but she is the one putting poison inside my body every other thursday since august. and i dislike her and love her at the same time. and we laugh about it. i do love her more than i dislike her. my counts were low. not super low but low enough that i needed a shot. so i got my shot and was on my way. and the entire drive home i felt like my eye balls have never been heavier. but i made it. and i kept moving. in fear that if i stopped i would not be able to start up again. 

just when i am able to forget. even for a little bit the fact that i have cancer. it seems to creep right back. but soon it will be gone forever. and that is a very nice thought. two more to go. are you kidding me? did i just type TWO. i most certainly did. 

today was a long full day. and the house is a mess of half unpacked suitcases and loads of laundry to do. trying to get it all done before thursday. so tomorrow we got nothing. and that sounds nice. 

**a sweet book club in richmond, va is raising money for our family via an etsy website. check it out here.**


  1. sorry for that little episode today. wish i had been there to tell you some 'illegal parking' jokes that would have surely made you smile. i think we're all tired from a fun packed, emotion packed weekend. hope tomorrow is better.
    love you.

  2. You get me tomorrow!!! Save the laundry...I'll do it all when i get there!! Sorry to hear about your day. Love you!!

  3. Libby,
    It is ok to feel sad and tired even if you "only have" two more. It is all relative and I'm sure that these two remaining treatments sometimes feel like the two most difficult for you. Any time I am feeling small and scared, I try to think of previous times I have accomplished something I once believed to be impossible (I am a student so typically this means getting through exam week : ) - probably easier than a chemo treatment). For you, this might be thinking, and really thinking, on how much you have already accomplished. And when I say accomplished, I mean A+, could not have done it better, gold star-worthy accomplishment. You are amazing Libby, thanks for sharing your story on this blog. Total inspiration every time you write.

  4. big hugs to you girl. i've never been through chemo, but i wish daily for a cure to my disease (& EVERY devastating illness for that matter!)

  5. I am not the one in our family with cancer, my mother is. But the way you feel - is sometimes how I feel when I go with her for her treatments. Hang in there - I think your Amazing and I love reading your blog :)))

  6. Oh Libby, I cried when I read this. I relate. I am battling a different type of health problem. And there are times that I completely forget that it is part of my life, and I feel so awesome and content in where I'm at in life. And then something reminds me it's there, and that it has taken something away from my life (in a sense, and for now) and all of the sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, I am crying. Lately I have been thinking about it, about how all of the sudden I am crying and I wonder what exactly am I longing for and if what I think I am longing for would really make me feel better if I had "it". At first I felt bad for longing for anything and not being content. But then I began to wonder. Maybe it's the Holy Spirit in me, making me long for Jesus and his fullness and the health and renewal that He brings to our spirit. And so maybe it's okay I cry, because if I did not know the fullness of Christ and the hope that awaits me/us in our true Home, I would not know the sadness in not getting to experience all that being Home will offer, all the knowing Him does offer, and would not crave the fullness of His spirit as I await for the renewal of our bodies and spirit, some of which will come while on this side of heaven. Those moments are so hard though. I can be so caught off guard by my actual state of health. Feels so odd, like how did I forget and why did that have to hit me like a brick wall. And really I say all of this because I love that you let your emotions be what they are. I do think God works in that.

  7. I hope you enjoy your "nothing" today and will be praying for you to have some renewed strength! Wish I lived close enough to come do your laundry for you.

  8. Hang in there Libby after Thursday you will be typing ONE.

    I was cracking up that you and Sara took a trip to meet the Hamptons that is so cool. It is such a small world with so many great people in it.

    You have opened my eyes to so much with your words and thoughts I wish you did not have to suffer through all of this but I am changed by reading your story--Thank you.

    Sending all my prayers for the next month as you FINISH with treatments.


  9. I found your blog from Kelly Hampton's and was captured by your faith and your story. I have a friend who was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma in 2008. She has stopped posting because her most recent PET scan showed she had results of no recurrent disease. She is also a person of great faith. It is in no way the same but when my daughter was born with down syndrome it was so helpful to see that I wasn't alone. If you decide to check it out I hope and pray that you find hope in Melissa's story.

  10. I will be praying for you.
    See if you can find in your local library the book
    "you can heal your life" from Louise Hay.
    feel better.

  11. hooray for 2! keep up the fight. You have had a long road of fighting and through it you have managed to touch my life and make me love jesus deeper and think about Him and what He means to me. So, thank you.

  12. just wanted to say i read your post, i always do, even though i don't always tell you that...you are stronger than you think, and when you aren't HE is!!

    can't wait until we get to be together next week...drake and i are so excited!!

  13. I found your blog through Kelle Hampton's. It's so weird because I recently (June 15th, 2010) moved to Norfolk, VA {right near Chesapeake} from where I was born and raised, Orlando, FL {somewhat near Naples} becase my fiance is at EVMS. Congrats on only 2 left! I hope that this is only the beginning for you and your family- that you have many happy years to come!


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