Friday, January 14, 2011

turning a corner.

usually three days after chemo i finally begin to feel a little better. still tired and lazy, but not nearly as sick. ava is still sick and i hate it. thankfully we have an appointment with the doctor today and we can figure out what is going on with her. i do not do well when my daughter is sick. and then i really do not do well when i am sick on top of it. but we made it. we made it through the toughest days post chemo. and little ava was so sick on tuesday, but so precious. she woke up at like 6pm from her afternoon nap and justin brought her into bed with me. and although i wish more than anything that ava would cuddle with us...its just not her style. but on this tuesday night it was all she wanted. and i will never forget it. i will hold on to it deep in my heart. i held her in my arms and within minutes she was asleep. she woke up ten minutes later and took a few bites of bread (we were trying to get her to eat). she ate and then feel back asleep on me again. then woke up, ate some bread, and feel asleep again. i can not even find the words. but before we knew it was 8pm and we decided to steam up the bathroom to help with her congestion. well as our sweet naked ava laid in my arms, with the shower running, she fell right to sleep. it melted our hearts. its something inside a parent. can't explain it. but your child's pain is always more important and grander than your own.  justin loves to sit in the bathroom and read with the shower on. its his favorite. so we were not surprised that maybe ava enjoys the same thing as her daddy. she stayed asleep as we put her diaper on. her pajamas on. and then her sleep sack. and that sweet sick baby slept through the night. it was all we needed.

chemo has just been a lot for me this time. not sure why exactly. just emotionally exhausted. trying to muster the strength for two more. which i know i will. i have said to justin a lot this week that i am just done. i am over it. i am tired. i am sick of cancer. on tuesday night when we were laying in bed justin said to me, "i just miss seeing you happy. like genuinely happy." obviously i immediately want to defend myself and say i have been happy. i am happy. i am not depressed. but i do not think that was what he was saying. of course there has been happiness and joy. but what has always been our dark cloud of cancer. we know it wont always be there. it will be lifted. and we will move past this season. but sometimes its just a lot for us. thank goodness we are not alone in this.

i was talking briefly to this women next to me at chemo. she had two treatments left too. and it was interesting because she felt the opposite as me. she said, you should have seen me in the beginning. they had to bring me in here in a wheelchair. i had nothing to give. i was scared and overwhelmed. but now i am ready to fight and end this thing strong. i think for me it has been very different. in the beginning i was so like we got this. we can do this. and just sorta went after it all. but now its harder to muster that same level of energy. and i hear that this is a little common. that the end of the line. although exciting. can be very draining. i think part of this is the emotional roller coaster of having a good week, then a sick week, good week, then a sick week. just ready for no more sick weeks.

but finally the end is in sight.


  1. Libby, I have read every single post since you began this journey. Your strength is so encouraging and it makes me want to be a better person, and to dive into the Word more and more. Your hope in the Lord is what is most important, and you have never given up on Him...which may seem like the "easy" thing to do for some. I know that I have no idea what it is like to go through chemo, but I am praying for you as you endure these last two! TWO! You can do it!!!! I remember thinking the very first time I read your blog... " I cannot wait to keep reading her story when she is cancer FREE!" You're almost there!!

    I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Phil 3:14

  2. Hi Libby,

    Before Thanksgiving my good friend stumbled across your blog and decided to share it with me. My little 8-year-old brother just finished chemotherapy and radiation for his Hodgkin's Lymphoma before Christmas and is now cancer free. I remember coming home on one of my break's from college in October and it was the last of his chemo before starting radiation. He was just sick and tired of chemo even though he only had like 2 more to go. I feel your pain, he was just done with eveything at that point and wanted to return to normal life. I think we cried more then, than when we found out that he had cancer in June. We were really optimistic at first but then as the battle drew out we started to become weary as a family and my brother became weary as a cancer patient. Hang in there, it is almost done, and my family knows what you are going through, We will be praying for you as you try to find comfort in God, as this battle comes to a close. I just thought I would send some encouragement your way to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings and frustrations. May God bless you and your family.


  3. Libby,

    As a mother we only want our little ones to feel good and be happy all the time. Even though you couldn't take away her sickness she was so blessed to be able to lay in her mommy's arms and get the rest she needed. I was thinking that Justin might feel as helpless when you are sick, so let him hold you in his arms and know you both will be better soon. Just as it felt good to hold baby Ava I'm sure it feels good for Justin to hold you.

    I can't begin to think of how difficult this all is, know the end is within reach and you have a whole bunch of people praying for you.


  4. Libby,
    Maybe it is because you often write about Ava being sweet little baby Ava but when I read the words "I do not do well when my daughter is sick" the word "daughter" really stuck out to me. As a daughter, well I know my mother loves me unconditionally, I am not able to fully comprehend what exactly that means. It is clear that your heart is full of unconditional love for your daughter and that is truly amazing. It reminds me of the unconditional love our Father has for all of us, His sons and daughters. Hold tight to that love Libby, you will finish this journey with strength.

  5. Yes I was the same as you...beginning of treatment I was as strong as a lion, at the end I actually slept through my last treatment so I wouldn't get sick! Only 2 left...the last one is so bittersweet. Your sick, but so happy. And I was actually sad to say "Hope I NEVER see you again" to all my favorite chemo-nurses heehee.
    Are you having to do radiation?? I was told at my 12th chemo that I had radiation to do...BUT it was a breeze compared to chemo!!!
    Good Luck...Almost done!

  6. may the lord bring his supernatural strength to you during these last weeks. may you
    continue to perservere. Libby, my daughter, the lord says, I'm going to bring you out of this wilderness and allure you. praise jesus for your faithfulness. hosea 2:14,15

  7. your post made me cry a little today. and also, steph's comment made me cry. she's so right...let jus hold you. fall asleep in his arms knowing tha you are loved.
    you are so loved.


  8. Libby, It was all I could do to do the last 2 treatments, too. (Mine were in October). And, everyone kept trying to encourage me saying, "Only 2 more..." but the last 2 were very difficult. The only way to do it is to totally rely on Christ. "I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength." (Phil 4:13) & Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for & certain of what we do not see." Think of all of the people praying for you every day ... people you've never even met face to face & please let that be an incredible encouragement to you. We pray for you constantly. Keep posting; I love your blog.

  9. love you so good to hear your voice today, it sounded good, not like libby feeling really sick voice, so glad that ava is feeling better...sweet hard when she's suffering and you can't take it away...xoxo

  10. Libby, Hang on to God's promises to heal. Give yourself that week after Chemo just to let your body fight the cancer and for you to rest.
    The end is in sight. Keep up the good fight.

  11. Found this in January (early Jan) just when I needed it the most. That's exactly how God works. He gives you what you need when you need it and sometimes least expect it. I think He will give you that strength again. I commit it to the Lord. so, here it is:
    Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. Prov 16:3
    Don't we have an AWESOME GOD? He shines through you, Libby. And even though we've never met I feel like I know you guys. I pray for you, and I'm going to be honest, sometimes I forget, but I know God never does and he prays in my place:-)

  12. It is so hard when your baby is sick. Libby, you are a great mom...and so strong. Thanks for posting. Two to go...prayers

  13. Got your cute card today from Lisa...thanks!! It's precious.


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