Sunday, January 9, 2011

what's next.

we are all healthy here in the river house. thankfully i never got sick. which was great. this weekend has been extra special for me because i did not know i would have it. i mean a weekend where i felt good. i realize that it may seem silly that i love when chemo is cancelled only to be moved until a later date, but i like putting it off. but i also like being done. so its a toss up. today when ava woke up from her nap we went to target together. we like target. but i do hate it when i actually have money to spend i can not find anything i really like. it always seem to work out that way. but we were on our way and i was listening to music and just feeling really peaceful and content and happy. and i cried. because i do that sometimes. just happy that i am five months into cancer and i am not nearly as miserable as i feared i would be when i was anticipating what cancer would look like and feel like.

a lot of people have been saying things like...oh, man only three more. you are almost done.  which is a true statement. but its still three more. you want to go to one of my treatments for me? i am just finding that although i do only have three left and people are asking me about the future and what will life look like after cancer. i think i am trying not to get ahead of myself yet. because when i do i get excited and i just want feburary 8 to have come and gone. and even as i write that its awesome to think...less than 30 days until sucky, horrible, nasty, i hate you so much out of my life. i know its what's killing my cancer, but i passionately deep in my soul...hate chemo.

so i decided today that i am going to try and not worry about life after cancer yet. but simply live. and without being cliche...not worry about tomorow.

our good friends cliff and laura came down yesterday. and we talked yesterday afternoon about our lives and our marriages, and cancer. i thought about how august feels like years ago. not just 5 months ago. but another life. because life now is separated into pre cancer life and post cancer life. but the in between. the part we are in now. has been hard. and sad. and i cry (i just pretend to be strong when i am around other people. because i never want to dramatic or act like i am the only one with problems. everyone has their own stuff and their own pain. and ours in no more important or special). i know now that no one is safe from cancer. or pain. or death. or joy. or life. or love. we get it all. the good with the bad. but the good is that much sweeter after the bad. someone i love dearly recently said (in so many words)...that is great and all. how if we go through pain we come out stronger. or learn something huge. and everything is different. but i would rather not have any of that. the bad and the scary. i would like to just avoid that part of life. sadly we cannot. but tonight as i was crying on my way to target i was so overwhelmed with the fact that God knew all this was coming. all of it. He was preparing me for something big. and justin too. something that would change everything for the rest of our lives. and i feel like i say that a lot. but as i think about my future i am looking forward to living out those changes. and experiencing a life that is different than maybe i thought it would be. better than i thought. and since we did not see this coming. i feel a bit more prepared that we may have a lot more coming our way that we think we are not ready for. but i am not scared. i am ready. well i think i am ready. maybe not too much. since cancer has been a big one. but cancer has not caused me to fear the future. and worry about what may or may not happen. instead i feel like i trust God more. because He is carrying us through cancer. He can carry us through anything. and that brings me comfort.


  1. hmmmmm....who said they would like to avoid all the bad stuff? give us a hint! dark hair, chunky, hysterically witty?
    glad the weekend was good. no naples gear in target, huh?

  2. So glad that you enjoyed your weekend and that everyone is well in the riverhouse. Again, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Your posts are always to genuine and truly from the heart. Praying for you during your next yucky, yet necessary treatment.

  3. Thanks Libby for the reminder that the good stuff in life is so much sweeter after going through the difficult times to get there. I needed to be reminded of that today especially and probably every day. Still praying for you. Love you guys!

  4. Beautiful post. Still praying for you so much!!

  5. So I can't read your blog without crying. Thanks again for sharing your heart. I love you lib. And I got a little something for Ava last week and have yet to mail it, sorry. I'll try to mail it tomorrow.

  6. oh are so strong! You just eminate hope in Christ. you inspire me so much. keep believing and trusting in our loving Father!

    He IS so good to you!

    I love you!

  7. Hey Libby, I read your posts and pray for you often. I also think about you often, but I haven't responded. That has been OK for me since I have been struggling with a number of things myself, including severe back pain that has no cure. My life has become very narrow, but I know this is where God wants me right now. And I have been learning from Him - so, yes, that's a good thing, but of course I don't like pain! I resonate with a lot of what you say, except mine isn't due to cancer. I just read your Sunday post and felt like I wanted to respond. You remember that we lost our first grandchild at 21 months (Kristi's first), and that was so painful! But in the process of his difficult short life and death, God showed me blessings and taught me a lot - like you say, I don't wish it had never happened b/c of all God did in it. But more than that, I also do not fear the future. I know that the death of Kyle was terrible, but not as bad as I thought the death of a grandchild would be. God's grace is so real when you're in the situation. So, as I look to the future, and its uncertainties, I know that I can make it through anything! No, I can't, but God will give me the strength. I can't really think of anything that might be worse than losing Kyle, and God took us through that, so I know He'll take me through anything! And along the way, I believe He can and has used me to walk beside others living in pain - emotional and/or physical.
    So for tonight, I was happy to read your post and feel like I knew what you were talking about. We both send our love and our continued prayers!

  8. To bible-ize your "pre" and "post" cancer lives, we like to say BC and AD... Before Cancer and After Diagnosis... Thinking of you today...

    -Laurie & Errick Springfield


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