Tuesday, September 28, 2010

wbc count

went to the dr today and my wbc count is just over one thousand so i am healthy enough for chemo on thursday. its bittersweet. secretly wanted my wbc count to be too low for chemo so i could keep putting it off. but then i thought the more i stay on schedule the quicker i will be finished with chemo. its a strange place to be. i think its normal to not want to go to chemo, but i also think "putting it off" is sorta part of the denial part. justin said to me this week he think he is still in denial. it seems sometimes like this is not our life, but we are outside of it and watching it happen. its strange that way. i don't think you ever get used to cancer.  whether its happening to you or happening to someone around you. you are simply forced to live with the new reality that you are sick. and there is not much you can do to change it. or anything for that matter. the only choice we have been given in my diagnosis is how we will react to me having cancer. and we choose life. not death. and hope. lots of hope. a commercial just came on tv and said, "when you have cancer you have to trust the experts with you life." its funny because i like my dr. i trust that he went to medical school and knows a lot about cancer. but my life is not in his hands. and its not in my own hands either. and thank the lord for that. because my dr cant fix me. i cant fix me. and it takes a lot of pressure off the both of us. i like that. but instead i trust jesus with this. really truly i do. i do not stay up at night worrying about justin and what he would do without me or ava. sweet little ava. i am her mom. no one else can do it as good as me. and i think i can say that. not because i am so great, but because she is a part of me. and justin and i know her the best. anyways i try not to worry about what may never happen. its easier that way. i think chronic worrying will strip me from the joy i feel today. so i will choose joy. maybe not everyday. but the desire of my heart is to choose life. and joy. and everything that is real. and i am thankful for days like today because cancer does not seem so bad today. and tonight the three of us are going on a little dinner date. because our life is still good. even with cancer and because of cancer. we are more than okay.

12 comments:

  1. Your outlook is beautiful. Keep up the battle--you're in our thoughts and prayers!

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  2. You go girl! That's what I'm talking about! You can do this. You are right! Your God, Our God, is stronger than you or your doctors.

    Our God is greater, our God is stronger
    God You are higher than any other
    Our God is Healer, awesome in power
    Our God, Our God…

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  3. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts along the way. I know God is using all of this for His glory.

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  4. love this hope. love this JOY in the face of trials. i anxiously await blog updates from your sweet family. thanks for including us on this journey....love from blacksburg, va

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  5. Yes Libby, we are all in His hands. Love your outlook on everything! Hope the three of you enjoy your date.

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  6. just wanted to share with you my mother's view when she was undergoing chemo---she, also, did not look forward to her treatments. but she found a way to see God's hand in it all and she decided to call chemo 'her living and healing waters' since, after all, God gave man the ability to find healing medicines. i am praying for you libby that your living waters are touched by the healing grace of God.

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  7. Brand new reader, and your most recent follower...so touched by your story. You are such an inspiration. I am already praying for you, and will continue to daily. God has a plan for all of this, and I'm so confident that He is using your life in a huge way. You can do this! You can fight this, and you WILL conquer it!

    I believe You're my Healer
    I believe You are all I need
    I believe You're my Portion
    I believe You're more than enough for me

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  8. Yes!! Choose joy dear one! His joy is your strength!! I love you!

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  9. Libby,as much as it is possible, I could see your tension in wanting to delay chemo. But I will pray for this joy and hope you live in today to carry you through Thursday. I just love thinking about the God of the universe and how it must overjoy Him to know your heart in all of this...your trust in Him over everything/everyone else. Keep going, you are beating this.

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  10. Praying for Thursday...stay strong...rest well, and kiss Ava for me.

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  11. I believe it is good to pray for healing and I also believe it is good to pray for very specific needs. I want you to know I have been praying especially for your WBC to be high enough to receive your chemo on schedule. The people who tested and developed these drugs found that the prescribed schedule was most effective/ so even though I know you would love a break, I am glad my (and I am sure many others) prayers were answered in the form of good numbers on your WBC. Hang in there/ you are on your way to remission.

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