Wednesday, September 8, 2010

almost day two of treatment 9.9.10

i said to justin last night that sometimes i forget that we have only just begun. this journey seems like forever but really has just started. eleven more chemo treatments to go. at least. although each treatment brings us closer to me being cancer-free it still is hard. every other thursday will be hard. i thought i would feel better about tomorrow since i have already had one chemo treatment. but i don't. i actually am dreading it more. maybe because i know what is most likely coming. or that it might be worse than before. not the chemo part. that is easy. but the post chemo part. so i guess we will just wait and see. i think at the end of the day. the end of a long day i just get tired. tired physically. tired emotionally. wow am i tired emotionally. and just tired of having cancer sometimes.

people tell me i am allowed to be weak or that i need to stop trying to be so strong. well i think a few things about that. i know i can be weak. and i am not trying to be strong, jesus is making me strong. i am not strong enough for this. for any of this. i don't think anyone is. and when i feel weak i will tell people. when i feel scared i will tell people. and when i am mad i will tell people too. i will also tell people when i am happy and excited that this is my life. i said to justin when we were eating dinner last night that i am really happy. not about cancer really, but in a way everything is about my cancer. because of cancer i love jesus more. i love justin more. i love ava more. life looks different to me. and i know that it would not look the same way had i not gotten cancer. i feel like i am looking at life through a different lens. like a special lens. a i have cancer lens and that should make me angry and bitter and maybe at some point in all this i will. but not yet. not today. i believe that god knows whats best for me this is what we got.

its so strange how when i sit down to type this, it all just comes out. like i do not even mean for it too.

side note. i love our new home. it has changed us. in the best way a home can. i love that ava's first memories will be of the river house and that brings me such joy. there is something calming about living on the water. we are so grateful for this place. its only been a few weeks, but it feels like another life to me. we have already made so many sweet memories here. and with a back porch like one this place has, its inevitable that there are many more to be made.


  1. Libby, I'm praying for you tonight and tomorrow and in the days to come with this next treatment! I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me! I will be praying this verse for you and clinging to the Great Physician's perfect plan, love and healing over your life!

  2. p.s. I am so happy you all are loving your new home! That's so exciting and fun and I'm sure the joy of your new "home" is very much needed right now. A home on the water with a big porch is a dream! That's awesome!

    A great song: Beautiful Things.

  4. To my sweet daughter...
    I am praying for you overtime that you feel peace and calm as you approach Chemo #2.

    Remember my framed saying that went with us to UT and then to WA?

    does not empty
    of its troubles.
    it empties today
    of its strength.

    I have been trying to apply this each morning. I pray God will give you this perspective, too. Each day is a new gift from Him...lets not weaken it with worry.

    Good night my love,

  5. Chapter your new home

    ..."and He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek Him & perhaps reach out to Him, though He is not far from each of us. For in Him we live and move and have our being. As some of your own poets have said,
    We are His offspring. Acts 17: 26-28

    God knew you needed a new home for such a time as this.

    Love, Mom

  6. Libby, We have not met, but I am in a Bible study with Todd & Marlene and was forwarded the link to your blogspot. The day I received it (Aug 26), I read it in its entirety and caught up again this morning (couldn't sleep . . . and have been thinking of you often.) My heart is broken over your cancer diagnosis. My family, too, has experience battling this disease and we, in some small ways, know the fear and stress this horrible disease brings. However, I have been so inspired by your willingness to share your love of Jesus and strength with the world. What a gift.
    I, too, am a wife and mother. My sons are ages 9, 7 and 4 now, but I so remember the milestones you're describing about your sweet Ava. I think back on my life with our new firstborn and the sweetness of those times. I admire and applaud your strength and wherewithal to journal your emotions and the daily happenings of your journey. At a time when you could choose to give in to the difficulty, you are choosing hope and strength and happiness. Yes, Jesus really does give us peace that passes understanding sometimes, huh?

    I'll be praying for you daily, as well as for your husband and parents. Should probably pray for Ava, too, but it sure seems like she's in good hands. :) Much love to you and your family, and many prayers for unexplicable peace during chemo, a short memory of difficult times, lessened pain, restful sleep when you need it, and for you to physically feel the loving arms of Jesus wrapped around you.

    -- many blessings --

    Kim Jones
    Hendersonville, TN

  7. Denis Potter the famous writer said he saw a blossom tree in his garden differently after being diagnosed with cancer

    ". . . at this season, the blossom is out in full now, there in the west early. It's a plum tree, it looks like apple blossom but it's white, and looking at it, instead of saying "Oh that's nice blossom" ... last week looking at it through the window when I'm writing, I see it is the whitest, frothiest, blossomest blossom that there ever could be, and I can see it. Things are both more trivial than they ever were, and more important than they ever were, and the difference between the trivial and the important doesn't seem to matter. But the nowness of everything is absolutely wondrous, and if people could see that, you know. There's no way of telling you; you have to experience it, but the glory of it, if you like, the comfort of it, the reassurance ... not that I'm interested in reassuring people - bugger that. The fact is, if you see the present tense, boy do you see it! And boy can you celebrate it."
    Denis Potter

  8. I love you Libby and am praying for you today and always! Thank you for always giving glory to God in your life, where it is surely due. It helps to give us new lenses to look through on our lives too, as you trust in Him.

    Praise to The Lover of our Souls, Jesus. Amen.


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