Tuesday, September 7, 2010

to ava

ava has been a little "off" the past few days. that is what justin and i say whenever she is acting even slightly "not perfect." she really is such a joy and an easy little baby and we are so thankful. i keep wondering if she is "off" because our entire life feels a bit "off." although justin reminded me last night, when we went on a date and our dear friend katie watched her that she is a baby and they cry. but still...when katie said, "she cried when you left." i immediately ask, "for how long?" and she says, "ten minutes." what? she has never cried that long in her brief little life. did she know we left? did she feel abandoned? did she miss us? could she sense we were gone? was she scared? did she just want her mommy to put her to bed? now most likely it was none of those things or maybe all of those things. but either way she is a baby and sometimes they cry and are fussy. its normal. but i think i felt this way because i am so sad...deeply sad...like in the depths of my heart sad that there maybe a day or days coming up where i will be too weak and tired to care for her and that hurts worse than any physical pain cancer may try to cause me. i know she is going to be cared for by wonderful people and trust them all completely, but does not matter. its still not going to be me. her mommy. its just another way God is teaching me to give up control of my life. not the easy aspects, but the hard ones. like your child. who really is not mine to begin with. she is a sweet child of God and he has entrusted justin and i to love her and care for her in the best way possible. so we will. we will try our absolute best. i keep telling people, "oh, she is at such a great age for all of this to happen. she is too young to remember, but old enough where her and i have already established a deep bond." okay yeah right. sounds good in theory. not sure if there is a great age for cancer, but again its my way of trusting God with all of it. every detail. that all of this is part of his sweet plan. but i think i am allowed to trust his plan, but maybe not always love it. i think that is okay. so for today i do not love that every other thursday i will miss that day with ava. and then for the next 72 hours after that i will miss a little bit more of ava.

we went to dinner and a movie last night. dinner was good and the movie was not that good. no one died of cancer or anything, it was just a bit slow. but anyways as we walked out of the theater and held hands and got into the car we both said, i'm sad. i think movies are an escape. and for a couple hours we forgot about cancer. but then the movie ends and you remember that i still have cancer and it still sucks. so we both got sad. then we got home and sat on the back porch in the swing and kept being sad. just swinging in our hammock swing being sad. but that happens sometimes. but today is better.


  1. I recently found your blog and have been praying for you. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through, but my cousin's wife was diagnosed with brain cancer about the same time you found yours so I do understand what it does. I just wanted to encourage you and let you know that I am praying for you.

    I read this verse and thought of you... He will restore you!
    1 Peter 5:10-11 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

  2. thinking of you and your ava..hang in there girly. you're young and you're strong and you have a great support system. you'll get to the other side of this.

  3. Love to think about you and jus holding hands. There's something to smile about...being married to your best friend.
    I feel like for every moment ava misses out on with you due to fatigue, etc. she'll gain so much from having a mother who is so strong. A mother who can walk the walk.
    And just prepare yourself, it never gets easier to see (or hear) them cry even if you're just running to the grocery. Both E and J cried before school this morning and I sat in panera's parking lot and cried for 10 minutes after drop off while I thought about homeschooling them!! Ha!

  4. Libby, Having other people take care of Ava will take a lot of trust on your part. To make things easier for Ava and her caregivers establish a bedtime routine. An order in which you do things, prior to putting her down for the night. Make sure your "helpers" know this routine and follow it. It will make things easier for her and them.

    As always you are in my prayers

  5. Miss Karen is right on. It is not too early to brush Ava's teeth...all 2 of them...even just to add another step to her bedtime routine. Babies love a routine whether its book, song, prayer, or whatever you include...maybe dancing. You 2 are fabulous parents & she is blessed by your love for her. (Just do not start something at bedtime that you do not want to do permanently... remember "three books?")

  6. Miss Karen is right on! Have you started brushing her 2 teeth? Even if the brushing itself is not terribly productive...it is a unique signal that its bedtime. You two r fabulous parents & Ava knows it.

  7. i found your post through kelle hampton.you are so strong and beautiful . my grandfather was just diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and i had to take him to mcv for radiation treatments for 10 days while i was there , i saw so many faces from all walks of life battling all types of cancers. I went home prayed and wrote so many get well notes , and me and my son delivered them to a varitey of patients. your story will make me do more.
    i also live in va. would love to hug you.

    your doing amazing.
    love and blessings the doughtys


i read every comment. so please leave one. i love it.