Monday, September 20, 2010

my long hair and my precious ava

i feel like i have been pretty tough so far. not because i feel like i am supposed to or anything, but because nothing so far has felt too unbearable. i mean their are moments when they do, but they do not seem to last. but today when i was getting ready for the photographer from the paper to come take pictures of our family i got real sad and a little angry. and did not feel tough at all. its my hair. its coming out. not in like real large amounts, but enough. enough where my usually thick pony tail is not as thick anymore. so i made an appointment to cut it on wednesday morning at 10am. justin is coming with me. i am thankful he will be there too. i sometimes hate writing when i am sad, but because this blog is mostly for me...a way for me to look back and read and to remember each day i need to write this stuff down. the hard stuff. the stuff where i do not feel strong. and wish, for today that this was not a part in my story. so usually i would say, well this is my story and i trust God with it. but instead i think this: i do trust God with it. every part. but tonight i am not real strong and i can not muster the energy to be tough. so i wont. i will be sad. because that is allowed. i will wish my hair did not have to come out, because even though people who love me are real nice and tell me i will be beautiful when i am bald and justin keeps saying how excited he is to see with no hair. i hate it. thanks for being nice though. but i like my long hair. so i would prefer for it to stay right where it is. on my little head. but ava does pull my hair a lot so i guess i will not have to deal with that anymore. see i am still positive.

i keep falling in love with ava. its easy. i loved tonight when i was rocking her and i got real sad, and she looked at me like she knew. like she knew something big was going on in her little life, but that we were all going to be ok. more than ok. and to think she may not have one single memory of when her mommy was sick. i know ava is my daughter for lots of reasons, but one for sure is that she is strong like me. and that makes me proud. i want to raise a daughter who is both strong and sensitive. a little girl who feels deeply and loves deeply. although she is energetic and restless during the day...there is nothing more special than when she settles down in my arms, drinks her bottle, i sing, we pray (i talk, but she listens, so its a we), and i give her one last kiss for the night. wow makes my heartache just thinking about her. i had no idea my little girl could touch my soul the way she does. such a gift in the midst of this.

15 comments:

  1. Libby,
    First off in the header photos I noticed Ava is wearing a Matilda Jane dress and girlie I am all about Matilda Jane!! I am just a little obsessed with it LOL....have you seen the Field Trip Line? It is beyond adorable, I bought several pieces for miss Kelcee I just love them so.....eeeeeeek....OK so when I get down about things I shop it makes me feel better, nothing like a little retail therapy!!

    Sorry your hair is thinning girl, mine has been doing that as well....it stinks...when it started to thin I got it cut shorter so make it look fuller and I use the fuller shampoo....it seems to help!

    After Kelcee's birthday in October I will be starting Rixtuxan Infusions which is a chemotherapy medicine they use for people with Non Hodgkins Lymphoma, Severe RA, and Severe DM....I will have to go to a cancer clinic and sit 5 or more hours....they said my hair will thin but not all fall out....You are so beautiful from just looking at your pictures that I know you will be just gorgeous without hair....and now girl they have these amazing scarves you can rock and super cute wigs, I bought a Paris Hilton one in case my hair thins to much and I love it and it looks so real and not itchy at all!! I do believe the hardest parts of the dieseases rather it be Cancer, DM or any would be the physical changes and mental changes as well as the outside changes....With all the steroids and stuff I am on along with 17 meds I have trouble with the way I look right now, its hard not to but then I thank my lucky stars for the hubs who says I look more beautiful now then when he met me, and it seems like you have the same type of husband who will give you the same type of support!!

    Oh and my little Kelcee helps me be the biggest fighter, I fight so hard to get well for her, and she takes my mind off things just like Ava will for you and when I get really down....I read the bible verse "Cast all your anxieties onto him" after all he is the best one to cast your anxities on!!

    Sorry you are having a rough day I will pray tommorrow will be better

    xoxo
    Summer ;0)

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  2. I mean the old header photo you had LOL, looks like you changed it...hahahah

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  3. it's amazing how much little people can pick up on our sorrows. i have now had a taste of that myself. i love you libby. hang in there tonight, my friend.

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  4. You write "i had no idea my little girl could touch my soul the way she does." I understand, I completely, really understand.

    "wow makes my heartache just thinking about her." I understand that, too...absolutely, I do.

    Your Mom

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  5. Libby, I'm praying for you. I don't even know you and I admire your strength and your determination. Maybe one day we can meet and celebrate this fight you're fighting so well. Your faith and trust in the Lord are amazing.

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  6. You've probably heard this song but it's so powerful. As Christians we can just declare these traits in our Christ. Stand firm on this knowledge. We're here with you.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANOwQWYM2iY

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  7. Feel sad. It's okay. Sometimes I think just feeing the crumby emotions makes me feel better sometimes....if that makes any sense at all.

    Praying for you girl.

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  8. I wish everyday that this was not part of your story, but like you I have faith that all will be fine. I will not tell you that you will still be beautiful without your hair...you already know that. You will still be Libby, strong and with a tremendous amount of courage...a wonderful mother and wife. Your hair is a temporary loss...not to worry...it will be back soon. Prayers...

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  9. When you're sad, I'm sad. Praying that today is better than yesterday and that you will feel peace in your heart. Get 2 mochas this morning....and a donut with sprinks! That will at least start things off right. I know you know--but never forget how loved you are. By God, by Justin, by Ava, by your family, by our family, by friends, and by thousands of people who've never even seen your hair, only your heart. Hoping you feel the prayers today.

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  10. I believe that until you have a child of your own, you can never truly understand how much your parents love you, and it gives you a glimpse of how much God loves you. Aren't daughters wonderful.

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  11. You're constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Ava is gorgeous just like you. Thank you for your raw honesty in this blog. It's inspiring for me

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  12. I am truly inspired by you, Libby. I am praying for you, Justin, and Ava. You are touching lives through this journey that you are on now; God is using you to touch lives. The strength, courage, love, and above all, FAITH, that you are facing this cancer with makes me want to live every second of my life for Him. I admire your courage for being able to share your story with the world, and for allowing Jesus to speak through your story. Praying for you

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  13. found your blog via a friend and put you on my reader. is it weird that i found such heartache with you in your having to give up nursing your Ava? i laugh out loud when you refer to sucky formula. i am reminded when i nurse my little one to take more time to embrace the present moment, thankful for the seemingly little blessings that really aren't so little. thank you for sharing your story with strangers like me.

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  14. Read about you in the paper this am. I do hope and pray that you can beat this. I have a few friends who are taking chemo treatments and I know it is hard on folks. One of them has lost most of her hair and the treatments make her nauseous for the first few days afterwards. She has had three treatments, too. God Bless You and your family.

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