our bedroom

i remember when i was sick thinking about how i would need to get new sheets, new comforter, and new pillows. new everything because the sight of it would make me sick. well i did not get new stuff. instead i put our duvet from when we first got married along with our euro pillows and a few monogrammed pillows on our bed. all our own stuff. i was sick of it for a while so i used it in the guest bedroom. but a month or so ago i washed it and put it back on our bed. it made me think of when we were first married. the newness. the excitement. something as silly as a comforter. but it has helped give our bedroom a new look. i mean it's your bed. you spend the entire night in it. you should love where you sleep. it does not remind me of being sick. but instead our first apartment in lexington and our first condo in chesapeake. when we were young. we are still young. but younger. no ava. just us newlyweds and in love. our room needed that. a new start and i love it. i always put in a new wallflower from bath and body works. cannot remember the scent but i like walking in here and loving how it spells because usually you get used to our own house smell. but it honestly smells different to me now. i needed that. i like that. my room does not feel like a sick cancer patient room anymore. it used to smell like sick. not like gross sick. just sad sick. but now it feel different. like it's supposed to. here is a picture for you. our room is pretty simple. we like it that way because justin hates clutter. two of our favorite family pictures from sara. burlap with our anniversary spray painted on it to cover the electrical box in our room. one little night stand for me. a dresser you can't see and that is pretty much it. two little closets. one for me and one for justin. i am not a daily bed maker. but i do love how it looks. i might do it more. but i know myself. probably wont happen.

this is where i was sick. but now i am healed. although the memories will always be here. i do not feel the same way i used to when i laid in this bed or walk over to my nightstand and charge the phone, monitor, laptop, and fan. same thing every night. so monotonous. i cleaned out my nightstand last weekend. it has three little shelves that were filled with sleep aids, pain reliever, anti-nausea, our yellow tablet of paper we took to all our initial appointments so we could keep it all straight. it was cleansing and hard to look through and clear out. all the books i read when i was sick. the books people sent me all about caner and pain. i did not read any of them yet. but i will. for some reason it was too hard when i was sick. maybe it will feel differently now. good to throw stuff away. but it brought it all back. i guess this is just a part of the whole thing. the whole life after cancer. it was like i was grieving what happened and remembering that it actually did happen. cancer. to me. to us. it is still so crazy. i remember honestly wondering if our bedroom. the river house. our home would ever feel anything different than...the place i had cancer. i do think about cancer. how i felt in this bed. it just makes me sad. so i try not to think about it. not because i do not want to deal with it and process cancer, but because i do not want to be sad all the time. but i think cancer takes on a whole new meaning when it is post cancer. that may seem obvious in so many ways. but now as i think about cancer and the simple fact that i actually had cancer it seems surreal and fake and then very real. very quickly. i think right now. not forever. but my heart right now when i think of cancer i think of sadness. if you read this blog than you know that we count it all joy. all of it. that the Lord used cancer to show us how much He loves us and how our lives are forever changed. but right now the idea and realization that i had cancer is sad to me. nothing really profound to share about that. i think if there is a cycle of dealing with cancer i am at the sad stage. not even sure why or in what ways i am sad. not even the type of sad that it impacts my daily life and mood. i am happy right now. experiencing real joy. just sad when i think about it. just sad that it exists. that people die from it. that even though i do not have to go to chemo anymore does not mean that those chairs are not still full of people every hour of everyday fighting for something they never knew they would have to. their life. their once healthy life. the body they assumed was fine until someone told them they have cancer all over it. it is just sad. that is all. i think it is allowed to feel this way without being dramatic and acting like cancer is the worst thing that could ever happen. for us it wasn't. way worse stuff could happen to us. just sad that it exists.

i have attempted to write about chemotherapy and the details of it for about six months. it was too hard when i was sick. but now i want to. i had heard of chemo before i got sick. most people have. but i had no idea what it really looked like. i will do that in the next few days. so look for a chemo post if you are interested. i received an email from a women who started reading our blog last summer. but a couple weeks ago like me went to the doctor alone. not really worried only to hear the words...you have cancer. my heart aches for you. thank you for emailing and sharing your heart. it is my favorite thing. so i will write about chemo this weekend and hopefully it will give you an idea of what to expect. i am sorry you are sick. i know the shock and numbness of those first weeks. this is your life. it is true. you have cancer. BUT. God is good. trust Him with your life. cancer and all.