valentines day night.

tonight we celebrated with dinner on the porch. we turned on the big heater to make it nice and toasty. roses. gift cards. and daddy's first valentines day card from ava. she made it herself. it was a great night. we are more in love than ever. cancer will do that. life will do that. we knew we were meant for one another from day one. but this past six months simply confirmed it. its nice to eat dinner and talk about the future and how i literally feel different. like that dark greyish cloud we had over us is lifting. and that constant titch of anxiety that regardless of how good i felt there was always another chemo treatment right around the corner. and life looks and feels different now that its gone. i thought a lot about what it would be like after chemo. what life would be like i mean. and i still do not really know. but i do know that today was a gift. maybe just for me. it was warm. the river was stunning. the sun was so so bright. and to be honest i needed today. something felt different about today. and i can not explain it. but i will never forget it. my husband and i sat down for dinner with our daughter and things felt right. for the first time in months and months life felt a little easier. funny how in the matter of a few hours i will take back what i wrote earlier today about vday not being a big deal in our family. starting now valentines day will always be a big deal for this family. maybe the biggest. not because of flowers or cards or having real high expectations for justin that he may or may not meet. but today i felt more alive than i have ever felt in my life. we have always tried to have a good attitude with this whole cancer thing. but today i experienced one more reason why i was given cancer. to feel more free than i knew was possible. and cancer did this? God does really move in crazy ways. we just have to trust Him. and there is something magical about living on the water and the peace that it brings to my soul and to justin's. he sat across from me tonight and said..let's be best friends. i agreed and then we proceed to each read our cards and smile because we basically each wrote the exact same thing to one another. its nice knowing that i picked the right guy to marry. even when its hard. i still would only want to do the hard stuff with him. 

ava's first time using markers. and her first of many homemade cards.

p.s. then shortly after i wrote this justin and i got in a disagreement. that is a relationship for you. its great one second and then not so great the next. we worked it out. but just thought i would add that.