slowly but surely.

today was a good combination of lots of things i love. hanging out with erinn. playing with ava. eating some good "whole" food. taking a walk. sitting on our porch. taking a little nap. reading. hanging with justin. it was nice. i am for sure feeling better. tired but that is normal. i feel happier too. i think i am beginning to let myself get a little excited about being done with cancer. i even told ava tonight when i was rocking her at bedtime...mommy is not going to be sick anymore and will be able to play with you a lot more. it felt really nice to say. especially because i remember so clearly the night i rocked her to bed and told her how i was sick and that i was so sorry and that i was going to miss out on some things in her life. but would try my hardest to always put her to bed at night. no matter what. and i pretty much did that.

we ran a few errands tonight. they were only supposed to take an hour or so. but they took two and half. bed bath and beyond who is usually so cool about returns (my blender randomly stopped working today) took forever when i went to exchange it. either way i got a new a new blender and i like having new kitchen gadgets. then we went to barnes and noble because my nook was freezing up off and on when i read. which is real annoying. i did not take a stroller with me because i thought we would be in and out. not the case. it was a whole ordeal and i was trying to hold ava on my hip but she wanted to get down but the floor grossed me out. and although she is improving a ton in her walking abilities she still is not real sturdy. its taking so long that at one point i walk to the starbucks area and grab a high chair and strap her into that by the nook help desk with a few random kid valentines day books. but she proceeds to throw them on the ground. of course. so i take her out and my arm is aching. i am not that strong. she is hungry and i am tired and annoyed this is taking so long. i almost leave like four times. then the women helping me asks me to come back in ten minutes so she can call customer service and reset my nook. so i take ava to the play area at barnes. she does not have shoes on so i am hesitant to let her down, but she does have tights on. well a  nice family is sitting in the area by the train set reading books as a family. it was real cute. i loved it. so i let ava down because my arm was breaking. she of course wants to be right up on that family. she does not do well with understanding other people's personal space. but they were nice about it. not sure if its been two minutes or twenty but i go back to the help desk and she thinks my nook is fine. she thinks. great. and told me to maybe come back when i have more time. i am like are you kidding me? but i am not rude. its not her fault. so we leave. thankfully ava never totally lost it. but man...i realize that none of this is really that big of a deal and i am not trying to be dramatic. but it was just more than i could handle today. the second i feel like i am turning a corner i want to get out of the house and do something. but i was just way too exhausted for this. all i needed was a stroller. somewhere to set my little baby. i am ready for her to walk i think. she is getting more and more confident by the day. its adorable.

and tonight in the bath ava laughed harder and longer than i have ever heard her laugh in her life. and i needed that. it rejuvenated my spirit a little bit. this girl brings me life. and i love that. and i need that. but we are turning a corner. slowly but surely we are reentering real life. not that we left it but a little we did. i just noticed that my side of the bed has a deep indent in it. that only occurs if you spend a little more time in bed than a normal person should. like my husband. whose side of the bed has no indent. opps. i guess that is maybe allowed if you have cancer. or should i say had cancer.