in theory resting should be easy. but its hard for me sometimes. its hard to sleep. even when i know i am supposed to or i should i sometimes just can't. i feel sick. nauseous and tired. but i can't seem to sleep. i can sense a bit of anxiety. i thought today for a moment...did we get ahead of ourselves with all this "its done" and "we did it." i mean we do not have the PET scan results yet. but regardless i am done with chemo. even if the cancer is not gone i am still finished with chemo. this is what your mind does when you spend too much time in bed. you ask questions. and think what if. it will be nice to have those results next friday to know for sure for sure that we are cancer-free. i feel a little stuck. wanting to celebrate but having a hard time letting myself go there until we know what is ahead. but we don't know yet. and that is okay. and that is a part of trusting.
until then we wait and honestly i would rather not. but i will try and wait in confidence that this time of our lives is coming to end and something new and big and exciting is coming next. not sure what. but something. i can feel it. my good friend erinn is here. she was my young life leader in high school and through the years our friendship has changed and grown. as friends, wives, and mothers. she encourages me in the areas where i doubt myself and knows how to ask questions that i sometimes do not want to answer. it's always done in love. its safe. and its real. thank you for being here and caring for ava and for me.
another reason sleeping is hard because i can hear a little girl right outside my bedroom chatting away. in her own little language. its loud. but nice at the same time.
i wonder what its like to genuinely have energy? i miss that. and i am looking forward to having my body back. it wont have to fight cancerous cells plus try and do everything else i did pre-cancer. not trying to sound like i did a ton, but just normal me stuff. like be a woman and mom and wife and friend. that will be nice. because i go from feeling okay to feeling miserable in seconds. its just exhausting to live like that. but the end is near. and i will cling to that.
until then we wait and honestly i would rather not. but i will try and wait in confidence that this time of our lives is coming to end and something new and big and exciting is coming next. not sure what. but something. i can feel it. my good friend erinn is here. she was my young life leader in high school and through the years our friendship has changed and grown. as friends, wives, and mothers. she encourages me in the areas where i doubt myself and knows how to ask questions that i sometimes do not want to answer. it's always done in love. its safe. and its real. thank you for being here and caring for ava and for me.
another reason sleeping is hard because i can hear a little girl right outside my bedroom chatting away. in her own little language. its loud. but nice at the same time.
i wonder what its like to genuinely have energy? i miss that. and i am looking forward to having my body back. it wont have to fight cancerous cells plus try and do everything else i did pre-cancer. not trying to sound like i did a ton, but just normal me stuff. like be a woman and mom and wife and friend. that will be nice. because i go from feeling okay to feeling miserable in seconds. its just exhausting to live like that. but the end is near. and i will cling to that.
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND YOUR ANXIEY ABOUT ASSUMING YOU ARE "DONE" WITH TREATMENT BEFORE KNOWING WHAT YOUR SCAN LOOKS LIKE AND IF YOU WILL RELAPSE IN THE FUTURE. CANCER IS SO SNEAKY AND I OFTEN FEEL LIKE IT CAN COME BACK AT ANY TIME. IT JUST NEEDS TO BE MONITORED CONSTANTLY. THE ODDS ARE IN YOUR FAVOR THOUGH- ABOUT 75% OF PATIENTS WITH OUR DISEASE DO GO INTO REMISSION (AS IN CURED) WITH CHEMOTHERAPY ALONE. HOWEVER YOU ONLY HAD ONE CYCLE SO NOT SURE IF THEY WILL ADD RADIATION TREATMENTS AS WELL. I WAS STAGE 3 AND HAD BOTH TREATMENTS BUT YOUR PROTOCAL MAY BE DIFFERENT. I HAVE FOUND THAT HALF THE BATTLE IS IN YOUR MIND AND SPIRIT AND YOU DEFINITELY HAVE ALL OF THAT AS STRONG AS ANYONE I HAVE EVER KNOWN FIGHTING CANCER!! YOU HAVE A LOT TO BE PROUD OF AND EVEN IF YOU ARE "NOT DONE" WITH CANCER AND NOT DONE WITH TREATMENT YOU WILL HAVE THE SUPPORT STRUCTURE AND STRENGTH TO CONTINUE YOUR BATTLE. JUST KNOWING THAT LITTLE AVA NEEDS HER MOMMY HEALTHY AND STRONG IS MOTIVATION ENOUGH.
ReplyDeleteDont let your mind and spirit make you think "what if" . You should remember that you are done, your done this part right now. And Whatever god has planned you will get through that and be done again . your are so strong , look what youve done already , you have gotten through this no matter what your pet scan shows....it doesnt change who you are , you are libby a beautiful soul .
ReplyDeletelove and blessings
the doughtys
You'll be able to handle whatever is handed to you! Look how far you've come!! So, don't fret about the future before it's here. Just relax and enjoy the moments you're in. (easier said than done, I know.)
ReplyDeletehugs and healthy vibes (:
Oh, Libby, please don't allow yourself to get discouraged & go to the darkest places. It's SO easy to do that (I did it!!), but just rest & know that each day you are going to feel better, stronger & one step closer to feeling like your normal self again!! I am rejoicing that your chemo is finished, and I am praying & praying about the results you will get next week. We (and thousands of other people!) are praying SO much for you!!
ReplyDeleteLibby, I have been following your blog almost since day 1. and i am constantly praying for you. I feel like we are the best of friends, but in reality I have only met you once years and years ago. I am continuing to pray for you in the next week. praying that PET scan has absolutely no CA.
ReplyDeleteLibby and Justin,
ReplyDeleteMay you feel a peace from God. May he lift you up and wrap his arms around you and let you know how loved you are. I am so proud of you.
Sending prayers!
ReplyDeletewhile i was fighting breast cancer two years ago, i told my pastor i would'nt let myself go to 'the dark place' because i was afriad i'd never get out of there. he told me 'not to worry.' IF i went to the dark place just imagine that there was a rope around my waist and the other end of the rope is tied to jesus--he will never let us go anywhere alone and he will always pull us out of the dark place! i know its hard to listen to other people's cancer stories-and while they try to encourage you, it isnt always the case. but remember these are THEIR stories and NOT yours. yours is and will be different--gods story for you is nowhere near anyone else's!! YOU are one of a kind and god is using YOU! jeremiah 29:11 'for i know the plans i have for YOU declares the LORD!..." be encouraged because god is faithful; be excited about the future because god is faithful; be strong and of good courage knowing the our god is faithful!!
ReplyDeleteOh, Libby I hope you find some rest!
ReplyDeleteit's so natural to think about all the "what ifs" and think about all the possible outcomes. i have never battled cancer personally, but i have experienced it with people close to me. and i have definitely experienced going to the "dark place"...girlfriend, just cling to the love and prayers aimed at you at this moment and to God. i know it's so easy to be nervous but rejoice in how incredible you have gone through this journey. you have fought with such grace and it is absolutely beautiful. you deserve to rest and rejoice in that. im praying for you now as i have been since august. praying for the PET scan and for your rest and happiness. you're wonderful :) please hang in there and remember how loved you are
ReplyDeleteHi Libby. We are continuing to pray for you, for peace and assurance as you wait to have the scan and results, praying for complete healing.
ReplyDelete