just a little bummed. but mostly not.

so tomorrow is supposed to be the big day. my last day of chemo. it was changed to wednesday oppose to thursday because noura my favorite chemo nurse. well my only chemo nurse is going to be gone thursday so we set it up for tomorrow. regardless she is my favorite. so i went today and my wbc was the lowest it has ever been. less than 200. so if it does not increase a lot by tomorrow i will not be able to get chemo. which usually i love. but not this time. i am mentally and physically and emotional ready to be done. we decided that if my count is too low tomorrow i will just have to get my final chemo from a different nurse on thursday. which may not seem like a big deal and really it isn't. but noura has been there since number one. so we wanted to go out with a bang together. hoping that tomorrow when i get my labs done they are high enough for chemo. regardless though i will have my final chemo treatment this week. which is good. really good.

after that appointment ava and i headed to her appointment to have her ear infection checked. she has been much better lately. no more cough or congestion so i thought we were good to go. but nope. she still has fluid in her little ears. so we will try yet another antibiotic to get this girl back to normal. its been over a month now and i am over it. its just a little too much for me. i just responded to an email to sara with...kids and cancer are hard. i am ready to get rid of the cancer and just keep my kid. ava is much more fun. even when she is sick.

so i was a little down. definitely physically. just so beyond exhausted. but you keep moving because you have to. and this is all just frustrating to me because on off chemo weeks i try and forget i have cancer. and then it sneaks up on me again. i think because the end is so so near i am just over all of it today.

but thankfully i have people who love me. when we got home justin was home for the day. yay love that. and i had 2 bouquets of flowers waiting for me (thanks k family and t & s). really. means so much. you have no idea. then...as i was blogging a bit. kind of feeling sorry for myself and how much cancer sucks and how much i do not want to be sick anymore another bouquet came (thanks k family). and i cried because i was reminded that i am not alone. not even a little bit. but loved. so dearly loved. thanks for helping me not feel alone in this.

i am planning that tomorrow is it. the end. its here. i did it. we did it. eleven chemotherapy treatments down and ONE to go. my mom asked me today if this has been harder or easier than i thought. and i am not totally sure what my answer is. but right off the top of head i thought...easier. so i guess i do have an answer. ha. but i know that was only possible because of everyone around us and those not around us. with meals, cleaning, prayer, babysitting, flowers, gift cards, the river house, money, family, letters, friends, emails, texts, and more support than i ever possibly imagined, really. i am not sure how to express it. but my little family of three only got through this season of life because we trust God with our lives and we were cared for in such a special way. He did that through the immense, deep, genuine love of people who know us so so so well and those we have never met. so thank you. i am getting a little ahead of myself as i wanted to write about this later. but i had to share my heart today. so in the midst of discouragement i feel loved. and you may not know what a difference that makes until you too go through something big and hard and scary and think...i could not imagine if...blank... happened to me.  and then it does happen and in the end realize we are all stronger than we ever thought and we were not meant to go through life alone. we certainly did not go through this alone. so thank you for entering into our cancer in the best way you knew how. it made all the difference.

*finally thanks to all my friends and strangers (soon to be friends when we meet in nashville) for running this half marathon in our honor. i hate to run. so thank you.*

off to carrabbas for dinner to end this thing right.