a little something late night.

justin put ava to bed at eight tonight. he came into our room and asked if there was anything i needed. i said no. so he went upstairs to work on some stuff or hang out. not sure. but i needed to sleep as i did not nap today. but i think i finally felt ready to sleep because ava was down for the night and that rests my soul a bit.

i woke up to an OVERWHELMING amount of text messages and emails. about 500 i would guess over from throughout the day. and i just spent the past hour or so reading every word. sometimes twice. every facebook message, post, email, phone call (only had one). i cried. good tears. of how far we have came. and always being so shocked when i read something from someone i either do not know or people i am not even that close with. but you care and you care deeply about our family. i am still awed by it. and i again go back to wondering why we hear from some people and not word from others. and i am not sure the answer. maybe people do not know what to say...so they say nothing. but thank you. from deep inside me for those of you who took the time to walk in this valley with us. in whatever way that looked like for you. cancer is scary. period. but for me it is even more scary when it hits your own family. and you are young. and you have a little baby. and because i seemed healthy and strong we were blindsided. literally had the wind knocked out of us and we did not even know it. we had to keep moving. we had to keep living. we wanted to. but i think there will be a lot of reflection going on this blog in the next months. as i am feeling even more emotional about this entire season than i have yet. maybe because i was in go mode. so i just kept going. often without thinking. just moved through this season of cancer in the best way we knew how. and it was not perfect. not even close. we often failed to even talk about it late at night when justin and i were in bed about to shut it down for the day. it was too deep. or we had talked about it all day with other people. justin often said that not one conversation would start with anyone that did not begin with...how is libby? how are you all doing? so maybe we were too tried. but that bond. that thing inside you that brings two people together when they are married...it is often okay not to talk. we just knew. and that was often enough for us. i knew my own pain so it gave me a glimpse of his. and the same for him with my pain. we were separate in some ways in this because i had to get the tests and endure the treatments. but marriage is not about being separate. we are one. and this whole cancer thing has given us a real look at what oneness is. and that its good. real good. but also hard. and sometimes embarrassing to admit that its ugly and we fail. but we walked a tough road. like many of us do. but the end is in sight. finally.

on feb 16 i will get my pet scan. and because my dr is the best he told me at chemo today when he walked over and gave us each a high five. that we should email him on feb 18 to get the results of my scan. and then we will have an office visit on the 23 to talk about what is next based on the scan results. there really is an ending point. thought it would never come.

love the new header. thanks sara. i miss my hair. and fitting in to my favorite jeans. but the day will come when my hair will be long and i will rock my jeans again. just not for today. and that is alright.

do not miss this video justin made.

just press the words below.
video on the eve before our last chemo