what's next.

we are all healthy here in the river house. thankfully i never got sick. which was great. this weekend has been extra special for me because i did not know i would have it. i mean a weekend where i felt good. i realize that it may seem silly that i love when chemo is cancelled only to be moved until a later date, but i like putting it off. but i also like being done. so its a toss up. today when ava woke up from her nap we went to target together. we like target. but i do hate it when i actually have money to spend i can not find anything i really like. it always seem to work out that way. but we were on our way and i was listening to music and just feeling really peaceful and content and happy. and i cried. because i do that sometimes. just happy that i am five months into cancer and i am not nearly as miserable as i feared i would be when i was anticipating what cancer would look like and feel like.

a lot of people have been saying things like...oh, man only three more. you are almost done.  which is a true statement. but its still three more. you want to go to one of my treatments for me? i am just finding that although i do only have three left and people are asking me about the future and what will life look like after cancer. i think i am trying not to get ahead of myself yet. because when i do i get excited and i just want feburary 8 to have come and gone. and even as i write that its awesome to think...less than 30 days until sucky, horrible, nasty, i hate you so much chemotherapy...is out of my life. i know its what's killing my cancer, but i hate...like passionately deep in my soul...hate chemo.

so i decided today that i am going to try and not worry about life after cancer yet. but simply live. and without being cliche...not worry about tomorow.

our good friends cliff and laura came down yesterday. and we talked yesterday afternoon about our lives and our marriages, and cancer. i thought about how august feels like years ago. not just 5 months ago. but another life. because life now is separated into pre cancer life and post cancer life. but the in between. the part we are in now. has been hard. and sad. and i cry (i just pretend to be strong when i am around other people. because i never want to dramatic or act like i am the only one with problems. everyone has their own stuff and their own pain. and ours in no more important or special). i know now that no one is safe from cancer. or pain. or death. or joy. or life. or love. we get it all. the good with the bad. but the good is that much sweeter after the bad. someone i love dearly recently said (in so many words)...that is great and all. how if we go through pain we come out stronger. or learn something huge. and everything is different. but i would rather not have any of that. the bad and the scary. i would like to just avoid that part of life. sadly we cannot. but tonight as i was crying on my way to target i was so overwhelmed with the fact that God knew all this was coming. all of it. He was preparing me for something big. and justin too. something that would change everything for the rest of our lives. and i feel like i say that a lot. but as i think about my future i am looking forward to living out those changes. and experiencing a life that is different than maybe i thought it would be. better than i thought. and since we did not see this coming. i feel a bit more prepared that we may have a lot more coming our way that we think we are not ready for. but i am not scared. i am ready. well i think i am ready. maybe not too much. since cancer has been a big one. but cancer has not caused me to fear the future. and worry about what may or may not happen. instead i feel like i trust God more. because He is carrying us through cancer. He can carry us through anything. and that brings me comfort.