in less than a month...

we will have the results. the results of my final pet scan post chemotherapy. i have one more treatment to go. then a pet scan. and then on 2.23.11 we will meet with my doctor to discuss the results. almost 6 months to the day from when this began. and its my mom's birthday that day too. so praying for good news. clearly.

this past treatment went well. one of my best. which really gives me the gusto i need for number 12. the last one.my sister took great care of ava and me. we could not have done it without her. i was telling her yesterday that i sorta forgot things i may or may not have said on thursday and friday. at the time i felt totally with it and completely coherent. but when i think back it gets a little blurry. its not like i forgot everything we said or did. because we did talk serious. in a good serious way. and i meant everything i said. its just a bit foggy. i had lots of drugs in my system. but either way it was nice to be with my older sister and talk about husbands, babies, clothes, our homes, friends, living in new places, and drinking lots of dunkin donuts.

on friday i took a bath. i lit candles. and things seemed really clear to me. i felt strong. i felt at peace. i felt a little nauseous. but mostly i felt more confident than i have in a while. about cancer and marriage and being a mom and friendships and what it all means. and mostly i still have no idea what it all means. but for a brief moment. in the midst of feeling a little sad. i was not angry or anxious. i sent this text to justin this...love. not the same person i was six months ago. i am so much stronger and more in love with jesus than ever. i would never take back cancer. not for a million dollars. jesus knew what thru this pain he was going to teach me more than i ever could have could have imagined. i think what i learned the most. well, the two things: trust and strength. i experienced maybe for the first time what it means to really trust God with my life. you have to. there was nothing else to put my hope in. and although we do not know my exact future yet in terms of cancer and if it does or does not still exist in my body. i learned how to trust. really trust when you do not know what is coming. or how hard cancer will be. or if i can do it. or how bad it will hurt. or what i will miss with ava. and how it will impact justin and my family. or my friends. and what it will mean for the rest of my life. but i learned that being anxious and worrying about something that i can not control is a waste of my time. am i still scared? yes a little. do i think about the what ifs? sure i do. but i know God is in this. all of it. the letters i get. the emails. the new friendships. the people we were meant to meet. that had i not gotten sick we may have had no reason for our lives to intertwine. i have never felt more loved in all my life than i have in the past six months. peoples true colors come out when you get cancer. sometimes good and sometimes not as good. but for me. for us. its been more than mostly good. its been real good. the biggest shocker though. is the strangers. the people who have never met me or my family and still take the time to write emails. read the blog. comment on the blog. send gifts. pray. and pray hard. its made all the difference. so thank you.

now strength. i had no idea. i literally had no idea i would actually be able to do this. but i did. i am doing it. i do not say that in a prideful way. i say that in a kind of...i am surprised way. i pretended to be strong back in august when everything was happening so quick and i was not even given a chance to think or process anything. i just kept moving. we just kept moving. i have said this a few times since getting sick, but i think its true. we are stronger than we think we are. really. we are. i promise. you might surprise yourself. i know i did. but i know that for me my strength did not come from within necessarily. i was too weak. too tired. too angry. too sick. too scared. but God is strong. He is the strongest. and He gave me the strength when i did not have any. and He used my husband. my sweet ava. my family. my friends. and so many people i have never met to bear this burden with me. i was not alone. we are not alone now. and i can feel it. i have been so encouraged lately by the flood of emails i have received. i read them. every single one and they have made all the difference. so thank you.

to justin. my dear husband. i am sorry you have had to endure this. i often have no idea what is going on in your head or your heart. as its sometimes to hard to talk about cancer and the fact that i have it. but thank you for sharing your heart a little on saturday night at rockbridge. thank you for representing our family when i couldn't. i have missed so much. and my heart is so ready to do life with you again outside of the river house.

we are almost done.