turning a corner.

usually three days after chemo i finally begin to feel a little better. still tired and lazy, but not nearly as sick. ava is still sick and i hate it. thankfully we have an appointment with the doctor today and we can figure out what is going on with her. i do not do well when my daughter is sick. and then i really do not do well when i am sick on top of it. but we made it. we made it through the toughest days post chemo. and little ava was so sick on tuesday, but so precious. she woke up at like 6pm from her afternoon nap and justin brought her into bed with me. and although i wish more than anything that ava would cuddle with us...its just not her style. but on this tuesday night it was all she wanted. and i will never forget it. i will hold on to it deep in my heart. i held her in my arms and within minutes she was asleep. she woke up ten minutes later and took a few bites of bread (we were trying to get her to eat). she ate and then feel back asleep on me again. then woke up, ate some bread, and feel asleep again. i can not even find the words. but before we knew it was 8pm and we decided to steam up the bathroom to help with her congestion. well as our sweet naked ava laid in my arms, with the shower running, she fell right to sleep. it melted our hearts. its something inside a parent. can't explain it. but your child's pain is always more important and grander than your own.  justin loves to sit in the bathroom and read with the shower on. its his favorite. so we were not surprised that maybe ava enjoys the same thing as her daddy. she stayed asleep as we put her diaper on. her pajamas on. and then her sleep sack. and that sweet sick baby slept through the night. it was all we needed.

chemo has just been a lot for me this time. not sure why exactly. just emotionally exhausted. trying to muster the strength for two more. which i know i will. i have said to justin a lot this week that i am just done. i am over it. i am tired. i am sick of cancer. on tuesday night when we were laying in bed justin said to me, "i just miss seeing you happy. like genuinely happy." obviously i immediately want to defend myself and say i have been happy. i am happy. i am not depressed. but i do not think that was what he was saying. of course there has been happiness and joy. but what has always been lingering...is our dark cloud of cancer. we know it wont always be there. it will be lifted. and we will move past this season. but sometimes its just a lot for us. thank goodness we are not alone in this.

i was talking briefly to this women next to me at chemo. she had two treatments left too. and it was interesting because she felt the opposite as me. she said, you should have seen me in the beginning. they had to bring me in here in a wheelchair. i had nothing to give. i was scared and overwhelmed. but now i am ready to fight and end this thing strong. i think for me it has been very different. in the beginning i was so like we got this. we can do this. and just sorta went after it all. but now its harder to muster that same level of energy. and i hear that this is a little common. that the end of the line. although exciting. can be very draining. i think part of this is the emotional roller coaster of having a good week, then a sick week, good week, then a sick week. just ready for no more sick weeks.

but finally the end is in sight.