Wednesday, April 20, 2011

my hat.

the plan was to burn it. but i can not seem to get myself to do it. ava loves it. i guess it reminds her of me. but it reminds me of cancer. so maybe we will save it or maybe we won't. not sure yet. when i was driving home from my hair cut i called my sister and she told me find a bridge (chesapeake has a lot of bridges) and throw that hat as far as i could into the water. but i have not done that yet. maybe we will one day. at my one anniversary of being cancer free. or not. i am slightly indecisive. but mostly it does not matter. its just a hat. but for me it represents so much more. the loss of my hair. my long precious hair. the embarrassment. the insecurity. the fear of ava pulling it off or the wind blowing it away. because then everything i was trying to hide would be revealed. ava did pull it off in front me people. and i would get a little red and without making eye contact put it back on my head while acting cool. i look back and think who cares? but at the time i cared so much. i hated how i looked when i was sick. because i was sick. pumped full of poisonous drugs. as i am writing i am shocked of how much this hat impacted me during cancer. even though it maybe was not really the hat. i think because i do not need to wear it anymore that i realize how much it was dragging me down. but now i feel more confident. i think i look more like myself as the drugs have left my body. pretty soon all that will physically remind me of cancer are my scars. my two little scars. one from my biopsy and one from my medi port. but i can handle scars. (sara i think we need that little bee quote back up for this post) when my port was removed they gave me recommendations for plastic surgeons to help with my scars. i thought please...these are with me forever. they are a part of my story and i like that. 
a few weekends back when the girls were here they did some crafts. some of the girls are crafty and they painted rocks. we have a ton of rocks all around our house and near the water. the painted rocks are now scattered randomly amidst the others. when i was cleaning up after they left and as i was wiping the dresser off i put that rock on my hat. not thinking anything of it. my hat had not been put away, burned, or thrown off a bridge yet because it was just a day after the pixie cut. the rock and the hat stayed there for at least a week. i would randomly glance at it while walking out the door and think...yup it is finished. cancer is done. and as a follower of christ i of course think about the significance is finished. jesus' last words on the cross as he died. for us. for me and for you. we are free because he bore the burden. the cross changed everything. i liked seeing that hat on the dresser not on my head. it was a good reminder that those days have passed and new fresh cancer free days are ahead. funny how a simple hat and a little rock can stand for so much. but it does.

*time for a new header picture. minus the hat and sporting the pixie. i need my sister sara to live closer.


  1. I think you should save it for her. It would make you feel better throwing it as far as you can off of a bridge (I know it would make me feel better.) But saving it for her. She would be so happy. She is beautiful. She would just smile :)

  2. Do you ever get afraid of relapse?? I'm not even done with treatment yet and I am so freaked out!! How do you stay so positive all the time?? I really admire that!!

  3. I love this post! God sure uses you to speak truths into our lives! I'm so glad he healed you!

  4. I'm so happy about the rock...that's exactly what I felt and meant when I painted it. And I wanted to put it in a place where you would see it and be reminded that IT IS FINISHED! Not even just cancer but our dwelling in SIN. It was finished on the Cross, by His grace. I am so glad God uses that little rock and your hat of suffering to show you His grace. Love you lib. I cannot wait to be home

  5. i can picture you saying "please" and rolling your eyes (about the plastic surgeons) you also do it when you say "seriously" and "are you kidding me" and a few other things. its one of my favorite things about you. after your love for jesus and people and your beautiful baby and stuff.

    love you.

  6. Libby,

    When you are ready you will know exactly what to do with the hat. Thank you for your post. Have a wonderful Easter weekend.


  7. Love this post. Love the rock. Love the words on the rock. What a great time of year to post this and relate to those words. Happy Easter to you and your family!

  8. I hardly ever write a comment, but this one - well - a memory chest. Cancer is/was a part of your life. The hat commemorates that time. It should be there with you as a memory.

    then there's the other option of putting it up for auction to the highest bidder for the Leukemia and lymphoma foundation or some such...

    but I like the keeping it to remember and never forget the struggle - and your victory over it.

  9. I think you should keep the hat for Ava. It will be a reminder to her of how amazing and strong her mama is. Someday, years and years from now, she might decide to wear that hat and people will ask her about it. She will get to tell them that this was the hat you wore every day while you beat cancer and the extraordinary amount of faith you had during this time, during a time that many other people would turn away from God. Cancer is apart of your story, and hers. You have the scars as a reminder, let her have the hat.

  10. Hey Libby,

    I think your haircut looks amazing. I didn't know that you just had it cut when I saw you this afternoon. Very cute cut!!!

  11. Libby, I love this post. Very honest. I had such a hard time with how I looked during treatment. It is one of the hardest things. I'm so excited for you that this is over:) Thanks for sharing!

  12. Libby,
    Just a suggestion...throw the hat off the end of a pier into the ocean. I know the perfect place.


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