Sunday, April 3, 2011

the pixie. three days later.

unforgettable weekend. i will write about it later tonight. but for now...

i meant to include this on thursday when i wrote about the pixie but i forgot. which i often do. forget parts of my heart in a story or something that stuck out to me that was significant but when i sit down to write so much gets lost and forgotten. but i had to include this. even three days later.

after my hair cut was finished i picked up ava while i was sitting in the chair. she looked at me. she moved her little head around and slowly checked me out from the side, the front, and the back. with a curious little look. not bad not good. just checking things out. which she often does. she then took her hand and touched the back of bed. and my heart melted. after she touched my head she smiled. like she knew. i think she was thinking...i know you are my momma but you look a little different. but i know you are still my momma. its true matter what. my looks will change but it will always be me. it was a special moment between her and i that i never want to forget. i could just tell the wheels were turning in her head. but after checking out the new look she knew it was me the whole time.

it really was crazy how many times i caught a glimpse of myself and for a second did recognize myself. or when i walked past a mirror and would stop for a second because i am still in shock. i have said so many times this weekend...i can not believe how short my hair is. its just taking some getting used to...but i am not sure how to express how much i appreciate the kind words in regards to my new pixie. when i got home on thursday i was nervous and insecure. but honestly the feedback from you all really did boost my confidence. its short. real short. but i like it. i had no idea how much my thinning hair and grey hat had literally been weighing me down. i did feel good about myself, i was always nervous about ava trying to rip my hat off my head, hating how thin it was, constantly wondering if it looked ok or not, and not being able to pull my hair into a pony tail when i did not feel like getting ready for the day. and maybe you would think putting on hat would help with that...but it didn't because of what was underneath it.

the comments on the blog come directly to my phone and there was a steady stream of them over the past days. so thank you thank you thank you. i am rocking this pixie. i got to. and i feel good about it. i know i am holding my head a little higher now. not in a prideful way, but i really had not realized the anxiety i was carrying around when it came to my chemo hair. but now its gone. over. like my cancer. and we are loving that and my new hair over here at the ryder house.


  1. Absolutely in love with your new pixie style! It's beautiful & really "fits your face" if you know what I mean! :)

  2. Libby..thank you for posting this...not only because what you write is so real, but also because I often think of myself and my mom. When you spoke about Ava looking at you and thinking that, understanding that even though you might look a little different she still knows you are her mom. My mom had Melanoma...once when I was 8, and then when I was 15, it came back only in a different form. I remember getting her a card, ya know one of those happy sunshine type cards, and my dad making me read it to her. I couldn't even get the words out. She laid there staring at me, like she didn't know what was going on, why she was in that hospital room, but she knew it was me. Like saying, "Liz, I know you're upset and you're crying, but I'm hearing your words even though I can't reach out and hold you, or speak any words, I know you're my baby girl (I'm the youngest of 3)." (Ugh, here I am getting Thank you, Libby for even though your words are a diary of your experiences...that you slowly bring these sweet, buried memories out that I will forever cherish. :)

  3. What a precious moment!
    And your hair cut is amazing!
    you look beautiful with any length of hair :)

  4. OH gosh...your "moment" about the hair was much better than mine...your seemed so happy! WHen I had to shave my head my son was asleep (5 months old at the time)...he woke in the middle of the night...and SCREAMED when I walked into his room. He had NO clue who I was...and I cried and cried while I told him it was Mama.
    :( But after about 60 seconds he calmed down and touched my rough head...and has loved me for me ever since. I write in a journal for him and I told him He made me feel beautiful even when I knew I wasn't! Our babies are awesome...keep it up! You'll enjoy your hair...I promise!

  5. you are absolutely beautiful Libby! you have were beautiful before chemo and you're beautiful after. I love the pixie cut! if anyone can own it, it is definitely you.

    you are one of the most beautiful people, although I have never met you I feel like I know you so well through reading your raw heart and emotions on your blog. your heart and your new hair is beautiful. please, please, please never forget that.

  6. I totally love the hair! You look beautiful with short hair :) I can only imagine how precious that moment with Ava must have been. It's awesome that you have a blog to write down moments like that so you don't forget them. Glad to hear you had a good weekend.
    Carmen Pattengale (kooyman)

  7. well, i'm a lurker, one of those who reads, tears up, and finds the words i have to offer are so insignificant and small.

    the battle, the victory, and the rockin' pixie, and the girl who knows her mama no matter how long or short her glorious mane may's gold and warm and the sort of thing that no matter how silly my words may come out, i just can't stop myself from saying, "o, glory! heck to the yay on your sweet and strong heart!"

    the story you're living is one for the ages and the dear soul you are raising will grow to learn that magnificent strength can come from even the smallest bow. and a victory dance can come in all sorts of tempos, volumes, shapes and sizes. but the pixie, well that one says victory gives us wings. so soar, mama....

  8. Yay! You seem excited!! You should be 'cause you look awesome! And praise the Lord for such a sweet moment with Ava! Blessings to you again today!


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