Tuesday, December 7, 2010

there is something about this time of year.

my aunts had to head back to chicago. but many memories were made. it was restful and peaceful. i had to get a shot as my wbc count was a little low. 420 and normal is like 5000. but it was painless. mostly. there is something so interesting about this time of year. it brings something out of me. deep inside. in the midst of the joy i feel a little sad. not sure why. maybe because emotionally i am in a thousand places. but its still good stuff. well mostly good. my aunt mary bought ava a little christmas lullaby cd. ava sings to it. and i do too but with actual words. but something moves inside me when i hear...oh, holy night and what child is this...and it makes me happy for our life. our family. and without being selfish my own life. mostly because i have never really thought much about my health. and the immense gift that it is to be healthy and strong and young. and although i am still those things i am not as healthy as i thought i was before august. and that brings a lot of tears. some are sad ones. and some are fearful ones. and some are happy ones because i love this time of year. i love how our upstairs feels. i love that ava has a stocking. i love the garland that is wrapped around our banister. and i love my christmas wreath from target. it was a little treasure i found in the towel aisle. someone had clearly changed there mind about purchasing it because as i went to grab a navy hand towel for the bathroom...huh a christmas wreath in the same aisle. and snatched up.

the timing of me getting sick is so interesting to me. started in august and ending in february. so many special times fall in those months. justin's birthday. my birthday. thanksgiving. christmas. new years. and ava's birthday. and like everything else in our life they will all forever take on a new meaning. and because we are still in the midst of it all i am not sure about a lot of things. but i see the timing as a gift. just another way we see christ in all of this. every year we celebrate my birthday and i am cancer free it will always call for a party. same for justin and for ava. we now see health as such a gift. something we are never guaranteed. so when we have health cherish it. i did not even know i had to before. but all this... did something big in me.

i tried to explain to justin how i am feeling tonight when we were giving ava a bath. because during her dinner i turned on the christmas cd. and i sat in front of the sink. looking out our window where it was dark. so i could not see anything. and as some tears streamed down my face while listening to what child is this...i knew tonight would be etched in my memory forever. and if not at least i wrote about. but my soul feels tender and weak. but in a good way. like i can't do this without you. this little child. jesus. wow am i glad you were born. so as i think about christmas. and think about jesus. i turned around to look at ava and thought to myself...i am really glad jesus was born. and that because of him i am not alone in this. even when i feel so alone. so tired. and so done. done with all of this cancer stuff. i hold tight to what is true. and that even though i hate everything about thursday. i am trying to be thankful for it because if it is doing what its supposed to than after febuary 2011 i will never have to do it again. and that sounds real nice.

we are upstairs now. and about to watch a movie. time for date night. at home style.


  1. can't wait to see your upstairs and you!

  2. you are truly an inspiration to me. i so wish i had the strong faith that you have

  3. Libby,
    Stay strong Girl! You are so awesome. So wonderful to be still and just listen to what God has to tell us. Glad you got a wonderful tender message from his birth! You are so blessed. Praying for an easier day tomorrow, if only one thing could be a little easier to bear, it is worth my prayers. I don't know you, but pray for you daily, to numerous times to count. I love the days when I praise Him for your praises. God is ALWAYS GOOD!

  4. Libby,

    Knowing after February 2011 you will never have to endure chemo again makes my heart so happy for you. Hang in there you are doing great. I pray for you daily and often.


  5. Hang in there dear Libby ! You will be close in my thoughts & prayers THURS. I cherished your comments on Christmas time.

    Love, Your cousin , Kathy D.

  6. you are so wise beyond your years. timely to remind us all that Christmas is about so much more than running around the mall like lunatics. Christmas is about a tiny baby boy and the gift that He is to the world. It's also about looking at our own little babies and thanking Him for the gift they are.

    Christmas always reminds me to thank God for the gift of shelter, too. For a warm home that smells like us..that twinkles with lights...that comforts my soul.

    wow...apparently I'm getting a bit deep here. Maybe it was the Hallmark recordable book we just listened to before bedtime??

    love you. enjoy date night.

  7. Libby,
    I always look forward to reading new posts from you. As a newcomer to young life I am still just beginning my walk with Jesus and your blog encourages me so much! Thank you for your beautiful honesty.
    A very Merry Christmas season to you, Justin, and Ava - I'm praying for you guys!

  8. Love you sweet Lib...i am sure the house looks amazing!! :D Praying so so hard for you. I know you're done. and that at times you probably don't even want to do it anymore. i will never have the strength and faith that you and justin have, but i want you to know i love you and am always always praying for strength for you guys.keep going...keep fighting! You are closer to the end than you have ever been before!! Almost there!
    Love you so so much!! :) kisses for my little ava!

  9. You are amazing. Thinking of you and your family.
    Prayerfully yours in Missouri

  10. this left me with tears in my eyes. february 2011 will hopefully come so fast for you. that does sound so nice! i can't wait for you to be at that point. continuing to shower you all in prayer!!

  11. Beautiful post Libby! Hi! I'm Krysta and I wrote you an e-mail introducing myself as your newest reader, but In case you haven't gotten to read it yet, thank you for sharing your journey. Prayers your way!

  12. I have so many favorite versions of both of those songs...but this year my favorite version of What Child is This is from Mercy Me. It just speaks to me every time and brings tears to my eyes! What a Child God gave us!!! I love it!!! Thank you for this post! Praying for Thursday!
    Bless you Libby and your family! You are an amazing christian inspiration! Thank you!

  13. I am feeling the same way about that baby boy that was born to save us. I posted this on FB earlier: I was reading about Jesus' birth with Kaden this morning and thinking about Mary's love for her baby boy as his mother and yet how she also knew that he was the son of God and her Savior!! How incredible. I guess having a baby boy makes me think about Jesus' birth in a new way. So incredibly thankful that he came to earth to save us!

  14. I have read your blog from start to finish. I found it weeks ago and was immediately drawn in. I want to say that you truly are an inspiration to me. Someone so young and with your whole future ahead of you having to deal with this bump in the road and doing it so gracefully.

    I'm not really sure what I am trying to say to you other than I truly am moved by your story and can't wait for the day I will read your post entitled "Cancer Free"

    I hope you and your sweet family have an amazing Christ filled Christmas and new year.

  15. Thank you Libby, Justin and Ava. You are in our thoughts and prayers.


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