oh, nashville. how i love you.

it was a special weekend. what can i say really...it was good. all of it. maybe not for those of you that actually ran 13.1 miles. but in general it was incredible. this weekend was special to me for so many reasons. but one thing that was big for me is that this weekend marked the last cancer "thing" in my life. hopefully forever. we celebrated the victory that was won over cancer. we celebrated by coming together. friends and new friends. we ran or should i say some people ran. others supported. we ate. we laughed. we talked. we got tattoos (only two of you). but most importantly we came together as a team and celebrated the freedom that is found in christ. in running. and in life without cancer.

some of us started the weekend off with dinner together. 

 the morning of the race. real early. i was still sleeping. sorry about that.

yup that's right. they are running and actually smiling.

thank you to the supporters and to the photographers who helped document the day. you were essential. every team libby runner had someone on the sidelines cheering them on to keep going. it was an awesome sight.

she does not even know that she is on a team. but she is. team libby for life. i am her momma and she is my baby. my sweet baby who helped me through cancer in a way i will never be able to articulate to her and i hate that. but i will try. oh, i will try so hard. how she taught me an entirely new kind of strength. that changed me forever. thank you ava for being on my team and not even realizing or really having a choice of whether you want to be on this team. but you are. you will never know the depths to which i love you and cherish you. but i will try every day to make sure you never doubt it. i am glad to have you on my team.

these two girls are best friends and brand new mommas too and they ran this half marathon. like it was nothing. i was so impressed. when we saw each other at the expo (where you register and get your number and stuff) we were chatting and i asked them why they were running...and kayla said...well there is this girl...and we never knew what to do. or how we could help. so when we heard about team libby we decided this was something we could do and they did it. thank you girls.

oh, sweet ang. you made this thing happen. i often said to you over the past months...people do not do this. i promise this is not normal to do what you are doing. not only running and training. but raising money. designing t-shirts. mailing them to people. organizing runners. planning an after race luncheon. and all kept telling me was...this is what friends do. and she was not alone. so many of you helped make this entire thing happen. so thank you thank you thank you. we have good good good friends. i honestly had no idea how great our friends are until cancer happened. crazy that it took cancer for me to even realize it. but so thankful it did. everything about this weekend kept me in awe. i only hope to care for people half as well as our friends (and strangers too) have cared for us in the past several months.

the raleigh girls as i now like to call you. its only the beginning. thanks for running. blogging. driving. get tats. and sharing your hearts with me this weekend. it was such a gift. 

after the race we headed to jason and emily's for a little lunch. thanks for hosting. it was great to relax and get a chance to talk to some of the runners i had never met. so thankful we had this time together.

 

(not all the runners but most of you)

thank you thank you thank you. and i would write thank you a few more times but that seems silly. but thank you to those of you that trained. ran through injury. drove from ohio. west virginia. pennsylvania. kentucky. north carolina. tennessee and virginia. sorry if i missed a state. thanks for driving. flying. getting hotels. traveling with little babies. caring enough to run for someone you had never met. for your gifts. by they way chip in girls you beat your goal. by $32. thank you for running because you love my family. or you love jesus. or both. or maybe you just like to run. i felt more loved this weekend than i know how to express. it was so humbling. i know you did not do it for me and i know its not about me. i promise. but seeing those team libby shirts worn all over the place on saturday was something i will never forget. i have often said that we have seen community like no other since i have been sick and this half marathon was the culmination of it all. i was so honored to able to thank you all in person at lunch. although i hid behind my sunglasses and cried. i still can not tell our story without crying. sometimes because i get sad. but mostly because i can not share it without talking about jesus and how he carried us through cancer. and how He used you. this race. to give me a glimpse of how He uses things that are hard and sometimes uncomfortable to bring joy. not all the time. but sometimes. and i saw that this weekend. through you. those of you that are dear friends and new friends who came together for many different reasons. but ultimately because we care about jesus and our little family. so thank you. from the depths. thank you.

you all deserve to be thanked by name.

the runners: 
angie
katie  
becca 

nathan 

tyler

daniel 

cassandra

anna

julia 

hannah

laney

jaclyn

becca 

kayla 

stephanie 

andrew

mallory 

emily 

sarah

people who trained, but were unable to race due to physical problems:

kyle

randi 
jamie

carli

eric

people who trained, but i did not see at the race:

samantha 

morgan 

heather and her roommate
jamie

people who bought t-shirts and ran in honor of team libby:

jenna

stephanie

kristy

(if i missed anyone please email me and i will add your name right away)

thank you sweet sweet jen for documenting the day and helping make this whole thing happen. (thank you anne and cory for pictures too).

see they are friends. playing nicely. but then...

ava hits silas. 

why does she do that?

we want them to marry each other but its not looking good. only time will tell.

this whole thing came together while i was still sick. we of course hoped and prayed that our story would end: cancer free. it did. in turn it made this run even more of a celebration. many of the runners said they ran and trained because i could not and if i could handle cancer they could handle running 13.1 miles. i get emotional thinking about that. i might run in nashville next year. because if you can handle cancer...you can handle 13.1...right?

cancer free. yes i am. cancer free.

more to come this week on the whole nashville weekend...

No more cancer for my family

We are still in Nashville and will be home late night. So more to come this week on our incredible little adventure. But I just had to borrow my friend maggies iPad (which I LOVE by the way) to let everyone know the masses on my moms thyroid are BENIGN. No cancer here. Praise the Lord.

And one more little thing from our visit. Ava officially is saying...bye y'all since spending two days with justin's family. It's too funny and too cute. I guess she is a southern girl at heart.

More to come this week about the half marathon and some new sponsors for the month of may.

nashville rock and roll 1/2 marathon

ava and i are in nashville for the rock and roll half marathon. its finally here! all the runners and spectators will be arriving today. so excited to meet everyone who is running and supporting them from the sidelines. as i will not be participating this year. since i am not much of a runner. so humbled that so many people have been training for months to run in honor of team libby. its going to be a great weekend. the race will be documented so look for a post next week. i am loving nashville. enjoy your friday. 

from my dad...

first off...thanks for all the emails and responses to the last post. it was real. it was my heart.

secondly...we had a wonderful easter. it was relaxing and fun. will post about that on wednesday.

lastly. but most importantly my mother's surgery went well today. from my dad via text...note to my 3 girls. surgery went well. preliminary pathology report suggests its benign. will have full pathology report on friday. prayers have been answered. love you. thank you to those of you that emailed and sent texts. thank you for caring about my mom. it's incredible. my mom did text me last night to say she was feeling pretty rotten, but had medication to manage her pain. will update as we find out more.

now a little more love from my daddy. i do not call him that usually or ever really. i mean not since i was ten. but i did once when i was sick. cancer brought out the little girl in me for a second. but then i got tough.

so now a little guest post...

Libby had encouraged family members to share our perspective on how her journey through cancer diagnosis, treatment, and recovery impacted us. As her dad, this has been a journey that I never hope to repeat as I can acknowledge there was nothing more difficult than the day I spent with Libby at one of her chemo treatments. No parent wants to see their child suffer but to see Libby be so courageous was a true inspiration to me. 

I write this note on a beautiful day here in Washington state. It’s the Saturday between Good Friday and Easter. This is the time on the Christian calendar when we pause and reflect on the agony and humiliation of Good Friday while living in the hope and knowledge of the fulfillment of God’s promise on Easter Sunday. Libby’s experience over the past year has reminded me that as Christian’s we’re not immune from pain and suffering. However, we possessed hope in Christ that she would be healed from this dread disease. Fortunately, she has been given new life, in more ways than one.

As her dad, I was there, along with her mom, from the beginning. I can confidently and proudly say that Libby was a great daughter who loved life and gave us little cause for worry. Her mom and I strived to be Christian role models for her and her two sisters. Prayers were answered as she professed her faith in Christ and married a Christian young man. I recall challenging Justin to treat Libby with respect and that the most important thing he could do for his children, was to love their mother. Those prayers have been answered as well.  

Life is good and then out of nowhere cancer strikes. My initial reaction was disbelief as this disease strikes other families, not ours. As reality set in, I realized my role was to provide Libby, Justin, and Ava love and support. While most of that support occurred from the other end of the country, her mom and I got to Virginia as time permitted. Regardless of the many challenges to be there, we never doubted Libby’s strength and fortitude as these were characteristics she displayed as a child. I certainly don’t need to spend much time communicating that strength or her love for the Lord. She’s done that effectively throughout the publication of her blog.

While there could be more to share, there are some things that are best left to be pondered in our hearts. I never made comment on her blog but I often texted Libby to tell her how proud I was of her as she traveled this roller coaster road. She has truly been an inspiration to me throughout the past year as I came to realize that she’s stronger than me (she’s also a good writer). Healing has occurred and prayers have been answered. Thanks to the Great Physician, Easter 2011 will be especially special. (and it was) 

why we do what we do.

disclaimer. this might be a little heavy for some of you.

i have thought a lot about that this week. the whole why we do what we do. mostly in the context of leading young life. basically you walk through life with high school and middle school students. its more than mentoring or being a role model because its all about jesus. building relationships with students and earning the right to be heard by going to where they are. not just inviting them to an "event" on a certain night and then not seeing them again until the following "event". its about doing life with students. going to games, out to eat, getting coffee, etc. or in my case having girls over to the house because its a lot easier with little ava.


when you decide to lead young life you are deciding to go through life with students. making the team, getting cut from the team, passing the test, failing the test, new relationships and break ups. you sign for it all and sometimes it gets heavy. divorce, addiction, cutting, suicide, and unexpected deaths. you experience the joys of life and the heartaches of life. sometimes its so good. and sometimes its hard and you feel unprepared, inadequate. unsure. nervous, fearful. but its always worth it. because you know you are not alone. you are not in this battle by yourself. do not forget it.


i just got home from our friend helen's memorial service. although i did not know helen for a very long time or even very well. we shared a few things in common but mostly our bond was cancer. we went through treatment at similar times and she was an incredible encouragement to me. she joked with me back in august that maybe we would be chemo buddies. but that ended up not being the case. so we emailed and shared our hearts and our pain. she even bought me my wig. she sent me an email after reading the blog where i said i was more of a scarf girl. she said that maybe i would want a wig for quick running to the store and not wanting the attention that a bald head and scarf can bring. i ended up not needing my wig. but for some reason because a fellow cancer patient offered to buy my wig  meant so much to me. she decided to shave her head when she started treatment and after she saw me in church one sunday and later emailed me...your hair still looks so good! I am jealous. funny what you become jealous of in cancer. but it made me laugh. i have re-read most our emails as i am writing this. (i just went back and read every email we exchanged. helen is a better person than me. she wrote such long beautiful emails and mine were short with bad grammar and zero punctuation. i am thankful for her. more than i even realized. i was going through my own treatment and overwhelmed with life. but she always seemed to stay in touch. i love that. says so much about her character). i just appreciate that while she was in the midst of her own fight. she entered into mine and me into hers. i like that. the last personal email i received from helen was on march 13. she had sent out a mass email and i responded with this:

Helen.

My heart hurts. I am in nyc with justin celebrating life without cancer and am sitting in a cab reading your email. I can not help but wonder why certain stories...though similar can be so different. The ryder family is praying for a miracle. I will begin mailing cards to update you on our life and ava and what my future holds as a wife and mother...its a new brighter season for me. But praying for your pain...chemo is so so sucky...we love you and I would love love love to care for you and your daughters in however I can...xoxo. praying...love libby

she responded thirty minutes later with this:

Libby, enjoy your time in New York!  I’m glad that you and Justin were able to take that trip.  Please don’t feel too sad for me; it has taken a long time to get here (and I certainly haven’t fully arrived yet), but I do have a peace about what God is doing in my life.  His will is perfect, and though I still don’t fully know what His will is, He has brought me to a place of acceptance.  If His choice for me is that I go home to be with Him, I welcome my future in glory!

 Looking forward to hearing more about your life—struggles and joys.

 Love you,

 H.

it was incredible. in the midst of sadness and tears there was so much hope. because for followers of christ death is not the end. its the beginning. her husband wrote this in the email that was sent to inform people of her death.

We are writing to say that Helen passed on out of her pain this morning very early. She died quickly and with no suffering, something she prayed for earnestly, something that her Father in His mercy granted her. She had prayed recently--and asked many of you to pray--that there would be a way to manage her pain and give her some relief from the physical suffering she was in, and God answered her prayer.  She is not suffering any more, nor will she ever suffer again. And we are trying to count this all joy.

i understand why death is such a scary thing if you are not sure what's next. or where you are going. or what your life is about. christ is for everyone. no matter how broken and messed up you might think you are. in christphilippians 1:21...for to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. wrap your head around that?

as i was sitting in the service today i could not help but think about my own life. my own death someday. what would my funeral be like? what would people say? what would people say about you? my deepest desire is that people would see christ in how i live. it was so clear in helen's life. it was all over the service. in the songs. when people spoke. including her four children. the scriptures. the heart of the entire service was indeed recognizing the immense pain and loss in helen's death. but more than that it was about celebrating helen and rejoicing that she is with her heavenly father and free of pain in paradise. it was beautiful. praying for her family and those close to sweet helen.

back to young life. i mentioned the death of a young middle school girl named kelly. she was 13. she dropped her cell phone in the street and when she ran back to pick it up she was hit. it hurts to type it. i did not know here or her sweet older sister katy. but i learned throughout our cancer that some of the most incredible love and support came from strangers. yesterday a lot of kelly's friends were all together at a friend's house and some of katy's friends came too. just so people could be together. to cry and hug. provide some sort of comfort. then to eat, laugh, and just not be alone. it was incredible to be there for a little bit with ava running around. thank you for those of you that cared for her and made sure she did not fall down the steps. there is nothing like watching other people love your baby. but when we were there i could not stop thinking...this is why we do what we do...as young life and wyld life leaders (middle school young life) we rally around our friends when things happen. sad things. there is nothing much to say so instead lee made milkshakes for everyone. they ate pizza. they sat together in a big room and cried and shared memories and wrote letters to kelly. celebrating her life in the midst of pain. deep pain where we often ask why? and that's okay. i do not know why kelly died. or why helen died. or why i got cancer. or why anything horrible happens. i do not specifically know why. but i do know that we live in a broken fallen world that God never intended for it to be this way. what he created was perfect and we messed it up. not him. it was us. but my prayer. my deep prayer is that the Lord will provide a peace. a peace that passes all understand to those literally crippled by kelly's death. and helen's. we are not alone. we may feel like it sometimes. but we are never alone. today a friend of helen's shared a story where helen said something like this...i am a tree. with deep roots and i am planted by the streams of living water. i will not be moved. her faith in Jesus Christ was unwavering.  

as a young life leader. i know that i signed up for the joy of life with students and heartache of life with students. i know that i will go to weddings. but also some funerals. and that is hard to think about it. this week has been emotional. beginning to realize my own doubts and insecurities that were magnified through helen's death. will my cancer come back? i think about that. not everyday but some days. i try to cling to what is true and for today i am cancer free. so i rest in that.


death is sad and hard and difficult to understand. but thankfully i know that death is not the end. but only the beginning of life. the life we were always meant to live.

we sang the song "on jordan's stormy banks i stand." i love the chorus. with the echo. gosh, its good.

i am bound, i am bound

 i am bound for the promised land

i am bound, i am bound

i am bound for the promised land.

why do you do what you do? 

good friday.

its been a long week. a hard week. glimpses of joy throughout. but mostly emotionally exhausting. i thought today in the midst of it all. all that is going on here that being sick was easier than this. there were no expectations except for going to the doctor and getting my chemo. honestly that was it. not really but you know what i mean. but real life is hard. its full of pain and tragedy. a friend dying of cancer and a thirteen year old girl dying shortly after being hit by car. more to come tomorrow. but for now i am too tired. i have nothing else to give. in the midst of this day. a day surrounded by high school and middle school girls and lots and lots of tears. i found comfort in knowing that my Jesus knew pain deeper than anything i will ever experience. he bore it all on the cross. all of it. so that i might live.

these words have been on repeat in my head...you are my strength when i am weak. you are the treasure that i seek. you are my all in all. thankfully i do not have to be strong all the time. because i am not that strong and i am beginning to realize that more and more.

in three days He rose.

my hat.

the plan was to burn it. but i can not seem to get myself to do it. ava loves it. i guess it reminds her of me. but it reminds me of cancer. so maybe we will save it or maybe we won't. not sure yet. when i was driving home from my hair cut i called my sister and she told me find a bridge (chesapeake has a lot of bridges) and throw that hat as far as i could into the water. but i have not done that yet. maybe we will one day. at my one anniversary of being cancer free. or not. i am slightly indecisive. but mostly it does not matter. its just a hat. but for me it represents so much more. the loss of my hair. my long precious hair. the embarrassment. the insecurity. the fear of ava pulling it off or the wind blowing it away. because then everything i was trying to hide would be revealed. ava did pull it off in front me people. and i would get a little red and without making eye contact put it back on my head while acting cool. i look back and think who cares? but at the time i cared so much. i hated how i looked when i was sick. because i was sick. pumped full of poisonous drugs. as i am writing i am shocked of how much this hat impacted me during cancer. even though it maybe was not really the hat. i think because i do not need to wear it anymore that i realize how much it was dragging me down. but now i feel more confident. i think i look more like myself as the drugs have left my body. pretty soon all that will physically remind me of cancer are my scars. my two little scars. one from my biopsy and one from my medi port. but i can handle scars. (sara i think we need that little bee quote back up for this post) when my port was removed they gave me recommendations for plastic surgeons to help with my scars. i thought please...these are with me forever. they are a part of my story and i like that. 

a few weekends back when the girls were here they did some crafts. some of the girls are crafty and they painted rocks. we have a ton of rocks all around our house and near the water. the painted rocks are now scattered randomly amidst the others. when i was cleaning up after they left and as i was wiping the dresser off i put that rock on my hat. not thinking anything of it. my hat had not been put away, burned, or thrown off a bridge yet because it was just a day after the pixie cut. the rock and the hat stayed there for at least a week. i would randomly glance at it while walking out the door and think...yup it is finished. cancer is done. and as a follower of christ i of course think about the significance of...it is finished. jesus' last words on the cross as he died. for us. for me and for you. we are free because he bore the burden. the cross changed everything. i liked seeing that hat on the dresser not on my head. it was a good reminder that those days have passed and new fresh cancer free days are ahead. funny how a simple hat and a little rock can stand for so much. but it does.

*time for a new header picture. minus the hat and sporting the pixie. i need my sister sara to live closer.