sometimes things happen where it seems far greater to really see it oppose to just read about it. this past trip to kentucky was one of those times. i am so very thankful to have married into a family that loves me as if i have always been there and that i am apart of them. it is nice to be loved and cared for and if only for a few days...get a glimpse of what life would be like if we lived near family. i like it.
easter morning with the cousins.
not the least bit scared. she loved the bunny. she spent most of easter brunch hoping the bunny would return to the table. no such luck.
jack's birthday breakfast and trip to the zoo.
waited all day for the penguin exhibit. it was the very last thing we saw and we came upon this...
this was closest she got to seeing penguins at the zoo...lame wooden cut outs.
she asked if she could climb over the fence and live with the geese...but we decided that would be a no.
these kids love each other. it sure is something special.
it was a good good trip. thank you, thank you, thank you...for how you love me and how you love ava even more. but these two girls are real ready for daddy to come home and you better believe there will be balloons and cause for celebration.
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new sponsie for you. our good friend cory just started an adorable etsy shop with onesies for boys and girls and some super cute infinity scarves. so how about a giveaway? maybe a precious onesie for your baby or a lightweight perfect for the spring scarf for you? leave a comment and be entered into the giveaway. winner will be announced monday on the blog. in addition, receive 15% off your entire order when you use code: LIBBY. enjoy shopping.
relay for life. i must be honest. before getting sick i did not really rally behind the american cancer society or any causes surrounding cancer. but as you might imagine...when something like cancer hits home the way it did for us your heart changes a bit and this year we are participating in the virignia tech relay for life. this will be our first one and i am a little nervous that they will want me to wear a special t-shirt or a sash that says survivor. i know i survived and i am proud and thankful but i also do not like to draw a lot of attention to it. which is silly. it is not that i take it for granted or "it's not big deal that i had cancer and now i do not have cancer." it is a big deal. for sure. but no sash needed.
because we have some of the greatest friends ever...our sweet friend katie who believes in what the relay for life is all about and is behind the fight to cure cancer. this year she rallied and created a team. read her thoughts below and some information about the relay for life event at virginia tech or if you want to come or support from where you might be reading this blog.
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the summer of 2010 one of my closest friends Libby was diagnosed with lymphoma. that fall when i headed back to school i told myself i was going to create a relay team in her honor. but sadly it did not happen. life got in the way and i was not on top of things and instead i joined a team i had been a part of in the past. i still participated with relay but i knew that i wanted to do more. so this year i decided that life would not get in the way because that is a terrible excuse. and i created Team Libby. for those of you not familiar with relay here is a little info:relay for life is an event hosted by the american cancer society every year. the american cancer society is the largest, nonprofit source of cancer research funding, and our mission is to eliminate cancer as a major health problem by preventing cancer, saving lives, and diminishing suffering through research, education, advocacy, and service. Virginia Tech has the largest collegiate relay in the world. it is a huge event here. a little crazy. a lot of fun and such a sweet thing to get to be a part of.
this is my third year being involved with relay at tech and my first year being a team captain. our event is April 20, 2012 on virginia techs campus.i want to invite all of you to be a part of Team Libby!!!
Our Reason to Relay
Why 'Team Libby?' and why do we 'relay?'....
We relay to make a difference-to fight together-and to find a cure. As college and high school students we are teaming together to fight cancer. As members of Team Libby, we have all been touched in some way by our friend, Libby Ryder, and her fight against Lymphoma. We also invite you to read John Piper's article here, titled Don't Waste Your Cancer: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/taste-see-articles/dont-waste-your-cancer.
John Piper writes on the eve of prostate surgery:
'I believe in God's power to heal by miracle and by medicine. I believe it is right and good to pray for both kinds of healing. Cancer is not wasted when it is healed by God.He gets the glory and that is why cancer exists. So not to pray for healing may waste your cancer. But healing is not God?s plan for everyone. And there are many other ways to waste your cancer. I am praying for myself and for you that we will not waste this pain.'
Team Libby wants you to partner with us! Partner in the fight, in prayer, in the journey of not wasting anything that the Lord puts in our lives.
We are making a difference by teaming up to participate in the American Cancer Society's Relay For Life.
there are a few ways that you can be a part of Team Libby
1. you can donate to relay for life using this link:
i don't usually do this but i sent laura this post before i published it (new mom and wanted to make sure she was down with the pictures i was going to post. she just had major surgery and is lacking sleep...wanted to be sensitive to that). she approved.
our life has been on hold a bit as our best friend's welcomed a little man into all of our lives. please meet...keller benjamin wright. our godson. not my grandson. a little type-o i made on instagram and twitter. he is so precious and handsome.
laura called me while they were on the way to the hospital to tell me her water broke and i did not believe her. it was april fools and i for real thought she was joking. our whole conversation is recorded on video. hilarious. justin and i both planned on jumping in the car to surprise them but since ava had been sick we decided i would stay and justin would go
gotta love the suit and tie. when ava was born cliff showed up wearing his attire from our wedding. that still makes me smile. so unnecessary. kinda funny, but i love it. i mean the birth of a child is one of the few...this is like a huge deal. no practicals right now...we gotta be there. we gotta hold him. we gotta love our friends.
justin and i needed to get on the same page before his trip so we spent all day monday together when he got home. we talked through the tough stuff about our marriage. where we have dropped the ball. how we have gotten comfortable. stopped pursuing. being "too" busy and lost sight of the intentionality that is necessary for a crazy, deep, and intimate marriage. i mean crazy in the best way that can possibly exist. the too is in quotations because come on..."too" busy for your spouse? never and i mean ever. new rule for the ryder family. but marriage stuff is for another post.
this is about new life. babies. friends and what matters. life matters. the miraculous creation that is encompassed into a little life. a new little person with hopes and dreams and fears...but for now he is mostly focused on the basics. eat, poop, and sleep. but little baby keller will one day be a husband, father, and friend. his life matters. who he will become matters. what he is about matters. and without a doubt in my mind this little guy will be prayed for and loved so deeply the rest of his life because little man lucked out. he does not even have the faintest idea what he was born into. who is mom and dad are....like crazy lucky. cliff and laura are legit and real and honest and funny. we get each other. you know how you might have a hand full of people that really get you. like get you, get you...well these are two of those for us. they encourage us. teach us. are real with us and we have a created a space in our friendship where we can be brutally honest. about marriage. ministry. our faults. our fears. our joys. our heartache. it has been sweet and genuine and real.
i have not stopped thinking about two things: laura, you are stronger than you think you are and cliff, you love your wife so well. one last thing...you love ava as if she were your own and i have to cry as i think about the love and concern you have for our little girl...when you do not have to love her half the amount that you do. i hope to show you both and little keller the same kind of love you shower on little aves.
welcome to the club. the..."i do not know what i am doing half/most of the time but i know how to love. i now know a deep and selfless love like no other." something changes inside you when you become a parent. never again do you think and feel anything the way you did before. it is raw and real and life is no joke. you are responsible for another human. it is humbling. enjoy it and stay close to Jesus.
ava hung out with some girls (thank you, katie) yesterday so i could focus on baby keller and be with my friends so today she finally got to meet her new man. first thing she said when she got up (after barely sleeping. horrible night. sound asleep so i moved her right from her car seat to the pack n play and did not change her diaper. fail. she woke up at midnight scared. rocked her. still failed to change her diaper...lazy and exhausted. 2am i can hear her moving around and mumbling...no, no, no. i pick her up and she is soaked. like clothes. sheet. everything. not only is her diaper flooded she is freezing. mommy failure. clean her up and put on the dress she is wearing because i did not plan on staying overnight so i had nothing packed. warmed her up and put her in bed with me. first time ever. not because i am opposed to it necessarily...she just wont do it. so after 3 hours. yup i said 3 hours of on and off movement until we both fell asleep. moral of this story: change your child's diaper.) back to what matters...she asked all morning about baby keller and asked over and over if he would be wearing sparkle shoes like her...first thing she checked when she saw him...no sparkles. disappointed..but not by baby keller. she did not stop talking about him the entire drive home. is it love? we hope so.
mostly she liked playing in the cupboard.
going.
going.
gone.
waiting patiently to hold baby keller...but when the time came she got nervous so i stepped in.
proud to walk through life with this new mama. can't wait to do this together...even at a distance. we are in this with you. for life.
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to celebrate motherhood...mamalode magazine is giving away a subscription to one random commenter. winner will be announced friday. the piece i wrote is in the latest issue!
today we are talking about hair and remembering the one year anniversary of my pixie cut. for me personally...i enjoy having my hair long. it's what i do and it's what works for me. this is how i have pretty much looked for most of life (aside from a horrible haircut in 8th grade and when i decided to cut my hair when we moved to chesapeake). i wanted a new look. ha...stick with what you know and love and for me that is long hair. it is easy and i love easy. i am not one of those people that spends more than 10 minutes on their hair and that probably shows. i just like low maintenance.
let's check out the hair stages over the last 14 months.
stage #1. these are the last pictures taken of my long hair. my comfort zone. i felt like myself with long hair and confident with it. this picture takes me right back. to that day. to the river house. to sara snapping pictures and pretending it was fun. it was fun...but right below the surface i was dying. so scared for what was to come and wondering: will ava and i look at these together or will these be a memory of a mommy she barely knew? i am thankful to write...it was not the later.
stage #2. my hair did not fall out immediately after chemo one or two. it was gradual. a little more each day. so i decided it was time to cut it (not shave it). as the hair kept falling out and little ava not knowing any better than to grab a hold of it and take some hair with her...it seemed that shorter hair would help with the whole i have cancer and my hair is falling out and this is sad and hard and i am insecure and nervous about how i will look as i loose my hair and i am not bold enough to shave it all of`f like some stronger women than me are able to do. so i cut it and i hated it.
stage #3. for the rest of the fall it kept coming out gradually. in the beginning of december before heading out to a christmas party my sweet husband who could see my growing bald spots better than me said..."babe, it's time to wear a hat." thus the above photo became my look for about 4 months. hindsight is 20/20...but man i hate that hat. i often wonder why i did not just shave it all off? probably fear and insecurity.
i mean check below. that was not too pretty.
later that day i got this. my first and hopefully my last: i felt like i looked like a boy even though everyone kept telling me they loved it haircut. where i wore big earrings everyday to distract people from my short hair. disclaimer: people who have short hair i love you. you look beautiful. my friend laura has a short pixie cut and i love it and admire her. seriously. but here is thing. for me...losing my hair was significant. feeling insecure about my thinning hair and rather bloated face (thank you chemotherapy drugs that saved my life so i can not hate you but you did make me balloon up a bit) just added to the the various emotions and stream of thoughts and fears as we endured cancer. but....i like a good but...
it is just hair. i mean really when you are fighting for your life...it is just hair. losing it because of a drug that is hopefully saving your life...come on it seems worth it. it really is only hair. it really is all about perspective. not a new and profound thought or anything but it has the ability to revolutionize your life. how we choose to see something. how we react. how we respond. how we walk through it.
it begins with perspective & cancer has given me a new perspective on just about everything.
hair is one of them. i realize it is normal to say to someone who is newly diagnosed and is preparing to lose their hair...not sure how one prepares for that...but anyways it is normal to say to them..."hey, it's just hair." although insightful and very true. it doesn't really matter. as women our beauty and our confidence and what we spend a ton of money on to color, maintain, blow dry, cut, straighten, curl, and buy fancy products to make it stay just the way we want it. just hair huh?
before you think i sound way too superficial...know this: i would lose my hair a million times over to be here today. please remember that. no matter what i say or dive into filter it all through that please. it really is just hair. but bare with me as i grow it out and the various stages may not be cutest or maybe your preference is real short or what it looked like six months. feel free to keep those thoughts to yourself as i look in the mirror most days and think two things: i hate my hair today but i am grateful to be alive.
but for a moment i want to dive into the emotional component that goes into watching your hair fall out. your little baby pulling in out without even meaning to. to when you shave it. put on a scarf. wear a wig or rock the bald head with all the confidence in the world. such confidence i did not have. i chose to wear a hat. to hide. to cover it up. in many ways save myself from what i thought shaving my head would do to my soul and to my heart. i chose to wear a hat. about six weeks after chemo ended and i was cancer free my hair had filled in enough to cut it all real short. so i did. i was nervous for people to see it. i was terrified of the response. thankfully no one said anything mean and for the most part it was okay. it is now a year later and my hair has grown a ton. thank you, Lord. long enough even for a little tiny ponytail.
my heart has grown heavy as i read more and more stories of other women and new cancer diagnoses and losing hair and the total upheaval that cancer, like an crisis will do to your life. i quickly return to those first weeks. the phone calls. the doctors. the questions. the fears. the surgeries. the idea of losing my hair. the idea of grasping onto my life so tight. maybe too tight because i thought i might lose it. i have loosened the grip these days. trying to keep my eyes on what matters and what life is really about. but in the midst of choosing joy and keeping my eyes on Christ i realized something...life, the crisis, the total upheaval of everything...well that is what it is about. it is keeping a focus on Jesus and what you are about when things get crazy and scary and hard. we hate the unknown. i get it. it is natural. but the unknown. the surprises. the getting the wind knocked out of our sails...that is life my friends. that is the: this is so crazy and confusing and often unfair life we are living. but God is good. in the midst of it all He is good. even when it is hard to see and everything looks so grey or so stark white and black it's insane. either way we are not alone. no matter what you believe or what you are about or if you pray or if you believe in anything greater than yourself. do not miss it. do not miss the chance to make a difference. choose joy. choose life. make the decision to not waste whatever comes your way but to view it as a chance to grow. to learn. to change. to surprise yourself. i often think back to those six months of cancer and go...what? really? that was our life? this is our life?
what you do with it my friends is up to you. enjoy.
today is roma's birthday (ava's grandma and justin's mom). i always try and get ava to make videos for our family and she rarely does it...so when she does it is a treat and i thought i would share it.
happy birthday roma. we love you. wish we were closer to celebrate this very special birthday with you.
as you can tell from the video ava is a little confused on whose birthday it actually is. she watched this video at least 30 times on my phone today and cracks up laughing herself. it's hilarious.
a little background. in college i studied social work in grand rapids, mi at Calvin College and then moved to lexington, ky to be closer to my man, justin. while he finished up undergrad at UK (yes, i am older) i attended the advanced standing program (it was a fast track one year program) at UK for my masters in social work. as soon as i completed my grad work and passed my final exam we packed up a uhaul (our moving story is for another post...it was bad. i called my dad crying. we had only been married 3 months. we were not off to a good start when it came to moving). anyways, we moved to chesapeake, va for justin to begin young life staff in august of 2007. YL interns do not make a ton of money...it is no secret. so after being a nanny for a couple months and a lot of interviews i was finally hired to work for a therapeutic foster care agency. i was excited for my first "real" job and ready to doz3 what i love...care for people and build relationships and advocate for those who have no advocate. i did not last long. i worked there for about 8 months. although i enjoyed the relationships with the children and our foster care families i was not very good at leaving my work at home and after many late nights and lots of tears we decided to save as much as we could and in june of that year i left my job and spent the entire summer with high school girls. doing ministry alongside my husband and that was my heart. it was a very special summer. in the fall of 2008 i started substitute teaching in the chespeapebe public schools and nannying for two families. although it was not as financially lucrative (like social worker is to begin with...all perspective i guess) i loved the flexibility that this offered and the burdens were not as heavy. it set justin and i up to do life alongside students at grassfield high school and really invest in our new community. it was a joy and i am so thankful the Lord blessed us in that time and made it all possible.
this continued up until january of 2010 when little ava was born. i tried to nanny and substitute teach whenever possible. then july came and everything stopped and sped up at the same time. our focus became our family and beating cancer. thankfully because of you and so many other incredible people (most we have not met and how i urn to thank you all individually) who loved us when you did not have to...the potential monetary strains of medical bills and various incidentals never became a reality. thank you. thank you. thank you. we are blessed. we are loved. we were carried.
beat cancer. done and done.
spent some months healing and babysitting a little bit and then we moved.
after a few months of settling into our new home...the financial strain of me not working (for payment) became real. we have been praying forever about the perfect job for me: one that allows me to be with ava, really flexible, and i would even get paid. one night in december i sent out my resume to several social work type jobs in harrisonburg. within a week i heard from a counseling agency that provides therapeutic services to children and families in harrisonburg and the surrounding counties. after an interview where i felt confident and natural i was hired. i am much more confident in my skills now than i was right after i graduated five years ago. i am older, wiser, a mother, and i beat cancer so i now put myself in a special category i call: i am potentially tougher than you.
this job is ideal in that it is around 5-10 hours a week and is pretty flexible and i can do most of it from home (aside from the actual therapy). i have a small case load of one and it is perfect. wonderful college girls take care of ava while i am gone so i know she is in good hands. you all make it possible. thank you. knowing your child is safe and with people that love her provides justin and i with such a sense of peace and gratitude.
so there you have it. my working career or lack of...
