one week.

its our one week anniversary. it's true. its been one week since we heard my doctor say..."yup, you are cancer free." its still crazy. last night at cliff's little surprise birthday party someone said, "hey congratulations" as they walked out the door and i stopped for a second and thought...congrats for what? and then remembered...oh, right because i don't have cancer anymore. how funny is that? and also awesome that i forgot. even if only for a second. i love how a few people have said things like..."its good to have you back"...it is good. i never knew it would be like this. different in every way now that the cancer is gone. but still so much the same. its still me. its still us. just hoping we are a bit stronger and wiser now. i am not worried about the discomfort in my hip. i am not thinking about what if it comes back. i am done. for now i am done with cancer. at least until may 25 when we see the doctor again. or until tomorrow when i may feel entirely different about all things cancer. who knows. but for today i am done. and its friday. and its warm. and i can't wait to go outside with ava when she wakes up. what a foreign feeling. as i had become so used to just making it to bedtime so i could finally be done for day. its nice to not feel like that. 


ava loves dogs. we do not own one and we do not really want to. we like animals just fine but not really interested in having any pets right now. but you might think we did own a dog because ava is not the least bit scared of them. she likes when then lick her face and she has no problem putting her entire hand into a dogs mouth (we are watching her. do not worry). not necessarily a good thing. i was telling justin as we were driving home today we need to some how teach her to have maybe a healthy fear of dogs. nah. not ava. as far as we can tell she is pretty fearless. which is great since we live on the water. we need to some how create a healthy fear of that too.


when we say to ava..."what does the doggy say?" she responds with  "woof woof." its adorable. we then proceed to say "what does the ducky say?" she responds with "woof woof." perfect. now all animals are dogs. we are working on that. but regardless we love it.
 
our blog is getting a little makeover. so bare with us until its ready to go. 

great news and a little trip

the good news is: the MRI showed nothing...totally clear! praise God.

the ryders are out of town celebrating cliff's birthday.  

let's take a little trip down header lane, shall we?

do you have a favorite? tell us in the comments. 

 

 

doctor appointment.

we had my doctor appointment today at 10am. it went great. it was full of hugs and congratulations. not trying to be cheesy but it really was exciting. to tell my nurse when i was in the lab that i was cancer free. she gave me a high five. then Andi our p.a came in and she gave us hugs and we talked about how my scan was GREAT and there was nothing...not even a small speck of cancer. then dr. lee came in and we hugged. he and justin did too. since the beginning justin has been trying to become dr. lee's best friend ever since we began seeing him, but dr. lee does not seem interested he is all business. sad for justin.

so here is the game plan post cancer: a ct scan every six months for the first two years and then blood work in between. and we have to wait at least one maybe two years until we try for another little baby. basically because the small percentage of people whose cancer does come back it tends to happen in the first two years. so we will wait until next year until we discuss baby number two. then we talked about a little bit of pain i have been having in my left hip (where some of the cancer was). i have not said much about it because it was more discomfort than actual severe pain like before i was diagnosed. so when the scan came back so so so clear i was not real worried. but i mentioned it to my dr. today just so he was aware of it. i had not told justin before this...so he was a little surprised to say the least. i just did not want to worry anyone but did want my dr. to be aware of it. so just be sure i have an MRI tomorrow at 6:45am. dr. lee said he is not looking for anything in particular and does not seem concerned he just wants to be sure and the MRI should detect something if there is something there at all. so if you think of it...pray for a healthy clear scan. we will get the results on friday. i am not worried about it. justin is more than i am. i do not think it is anything at all...but i am glad my dr. is just being safe and making sure it's nothing we need to do anything about. so that is it. i am tired. my wbc was real low today so i am going to bed.

Day 5. a video our friends made.

we have good friends. the video speaks for itself. but if you are interested in running in nashville or anything else please check out  this blog  for further details. 

or email angie  here.

day 4.

so i have decided i am putting a lot of pressure on myself to blog everyday since justin mentioned to me writing for seven days straight post cancer to document my thoughts and emotions. i love the idea. and i know his heart in it was not for me to feel pressure. so we will see what i end up doing. maybe it will feel more natural if i ease up a little bit and just write when i want to. and right now i want to.

ava is in the bath and i am sitting on the floor and i am watching her. i promise.

today things are settling in a little more because i was alone a lot today and therefore i could really process and think. this weekend was such a blessing and we were so thankful we were able to celebrate with a thousand people who love us and have prayed us through this. so so many we do not even know personally. but thank you so much those of you that came up and introduced yourself. i love lovd that. when we went up to share a little on friday night and i said..."the cancer is gone. i am cancer free..." everyone stood up, clapped, and cheered. it was the first standing ovation of my life. it was overwhelming. i thought in those moments...that many people love us? that many people prayed for us? that many people actually care? i stood there a little awkward because its just awkward when people are cheering and you are up there on a stage. thankfully i was not alone and both justin and i were able to share our hearts that night. i walked off the stage thinking...oh, why did i not say that and oh, i wish i had not forgotten that part? its hard to sum up cancer and God in five minutes. but we both felt confident that we shared exactly what the Lord wanted us to so we will rest in that.

for two days i could not sing. we had a time of worship before the speaker on both friday and saturday night and i could not sing. not because i did not want to but because the words we were singing held an entirely new meaning and i was overcome with emotion. and i could not hold the tears back. so i would wipe them away and try to hide them. but singing about a God that heals takes on a whole new meaning when you have experienced real healing. it was a powerful time for me.

on saturday night i felt like the speaker was speaking directly to me. about before we have a testimony and before we have a story to share we are tested. and what that looks like is different for all us. but i know now that my story, our story would not be the one it is had the past seven months never happened. i do not mean that you need cancer or divorce or infidelity or death to happen before you have a story. we are all different. our struggles may look different and impact us differently but we all have one. my testimony and who God is in my life is entirely different than anything i would have imagined. but its better. i know God in a new way now and as much as i try i feel like i will never be able to explain the depths of it to anyone. but i will try. i feel like we have a story to share...so we will keep sharing it. i guess if i could sum it up at this moment its that God loves us more than we will ever understand. i feel like God gave justin and i this incredible peace from the moment we walked out of the office when i was diagnosed. we both felt it. what a gift that was. it clearly could have looked so so different. but He kept justin and i on the same team. in the same place. we were not always the same physically or emotionally or spiritually. and our good and bad days were often at different times. but the peace we both shared was constant. how thankful we are.

a women who i respect very much told me this weekend that she has never seen anyone walk through what we walked through with such grace and trust. it was such a huge compliment. something that i will never forget. we did not mean to...we just knew that God knew what He was doing.

when i was driving to richmond on friday. i was alone. i wanted some type to be alone with my thoughts and process things a little bit. i thought about the few times i told ava that she might grow up without a mommy and that her daddy would take such good care of her. i never told justin about that. or the passing thoughts i had about death and what that would mean for him and for ava and for our family and friends. i had these thoughts but i never entertained them enough to even tell them to justin or to anyone really. it just took me to a dark bad place that i had no reason to go. and when i was driving thinking about this i began to cry because i do not have to face those thoughts anymore and it felt so freeing.

when i got to our room on friday night there were flowers, balloons, and champagne. i was blown away. my dear friend casey even gave me some sunflowers, my favorite and reeses

later on that night we hung out with a couple who is really wise. we look up to them very much and value their hearts and what they have to say. we talked until 2am and i can not possibly write about everything we talked about...but thank you for empowering us and sharing your hearts for Christ with us. although our stories are very different all four us have experienced deep pain and suffering and came out stronger and more in love with Jesus and each other.  we would never trade walking through the valley of the shadow of death... we will fear no evil for You are with me (psalm 23). done and done. that pretty much sums it up. life is hard and ugly and dark sometimes. but we are never alone. we are never alone.

great weekend. great time in richmond. and before i headed home i met three sweet women for lunch. they are a part of a book club i have mentioned before and they read the blog. one of the women, katie makes and sells jewelry on etsy and she has donated a significant amount of money to our family as half her proceeds have gone to us (so awesome. thank you). check it out HERE. it was so great. made me wish they lived here in cheasapeake so we could hang out more. it was great to talk about life, work, husbands, books, and share a little bit more about our story with them. hope to be at one of your book clubs soon.

 this great weekend was supposed to end with me meeting justin after he picked up ava at the mall to shop a little grab dinner...but instead i ran into a curb and busted two tires. it was a serious bummer. i hate spending money on cars. i would far rather re-decorate the guest room and ava's room. so now we might wait a bit.

thank you for those of you who thought about us and prayed for us. we literally felt carried by all of you in these past months. a new season is waiting to begin...

day 3 of life without cancer.

oops i did it again today. i never sat down to write. it was too too busy. today was non stop that i am finally getting into my bed at nearly one am after we fell asleep watching top chef upstairs. i am really tired...but i wanted to write because i said i would. however, i do get annoyed when people simply post on their blog because they feel like they are supposed to and then the post is lame. so i will not do that. tomorrow i will write. i need to and i want to. i will write a lot. about this past weekend and how huge it was for me. lunch today with some sweet women in richmond. hitting a curb and blowing out two of my tires. and no i was not on my phone. so instead of going home and resting and playing with ava after justin picked her up from our dear friends house we sat for like an hour and half and waited for the tow truck. we got home fed her dinner, took a quick bath, and put our dear baby to bed. who by the way did fabulous this weekend without her mommy and daddy.

sorry if this post wasted your time a little bit. i warned you. 

good night. 

day 2 of life without cancer. and its good.

i wanted to sit down and write so many times today but the time just never came. we are in richmond, va with all the staff, volunteer leaders, and committee for Young Life. its been huge. we shared our story last night and it was amazing. really. i love telling God's story for our lives. i have been emotional. i am seeing so many people i love for the first time since i got sick. i prayed that i would not feel overwhelmed and it has totally been answered. its all been a gift. i love talking to people here who read the blog or who have been praying for us...its so so so encouraging. this has been the best place to be to celebrate life without cancer. so many people are so excited and genuinely care about our family. its humbling and God is being glorified. which is all we want. we trusted God with my live and He took care of us.

i just left a hotel room that was filled with so many women i love so deeply and for four hours we shared our hearts. our insecurities. our doubts. our pain. our love. our hope. our desires. it was good. so good. i love this. oh how i have missed this. i love being with people. i love sharing my heart. i love telling our story.  i feel chosen. more than ever i feel with so much confidence that God allowed cancer in my body because He wanted to be glorified through it. and i hope He has.

there is so so so much more going on inside me. but i am tired. i have cried too many tears. all of joy. and i need to rest.

for the first time in nearly seven months i feel real genuine deep joy. someone told me today that i have a little skip in my step that they have not seen in months. and its true. even on my good days during cancer chemo was also lurking around the corner. so it was hard to really experience joy. i was happy during cancer but not really joyful. and now i can not stop smiling and rejoicing with the thousand people here that we are cancer free. its true. my body that once was filled with cancerous cells is gone. i can not stop crying. i have known joy until this moment.