Rejoice. I say again Rejoice!

i woke up early this morning. i could not sleep. i emailed my doctor and within minutes he called me. he said immediately, "I am calling with good news, Libby!" that was all i needed to hear. but then i asked to be sure, "So i am cancer free?" and he said, "yes, congratulations Libby!"

i hung up and just sat in my bed. i did not react. almost like when we heard i had cancer. i know i have emotion but for some reason i felt nothing. so i text justin asking him to call me asap and that it was good news. he asked, "how do you feel?" and i thought for a second and said, "good. i mean i knew it. i knew it inside that it was gone but this is the confirmation i needed. i feel relieved." he said me too. but i know myself and the emotion will come. its not usually immediate. its like i need a second. well its been over an hour and its sinking in. ava woke up and we got her dressed and justin made breakfast and we really did not talk. we ate on the porch and then my heart began to open up. not with tears but i am beginning to process that i do not have cancer anymore. I DO NOT HAVE CANCER ANYMORE. after we ate we moved inside and go out our computers and our bibles. we read through philippians 1: 12-14. ava played. and my thoughts started racing. i will try and write some of them down. justin is much for articulate than me and a way better writer (see below). i have never wanted pity or to feel sorry for myself or say..."look at me i have cancer." i hope that has been clear through our story. its all i wanted. and God is good. i kept thinking about how thankful i am that He allowed me to get cancer and that through us He has been glorified. He promises He will love us. It is simple. He did not promise me a husband or ava or lots of money or nice stuff or that i would always be healthy and not experience pain. Instead He said He will love me and never leave me. and that has been enough. i may not think that and feel that all the time but i know its true. He allowed cancer at 26 years old, newly married, and with a six month old baby. okay the tears are here now. But in the midst of cancer He carried us through with family, friends, strangers, meals, babysitters, money, cleaning ladies, a house on the water, an easy baby, cards, emails, texts, and a whole ton of people praying. He never left us. not even for a second. I thought this morning that He loves us so much that He trusted us with cancer. That if we gave Him all the glory He would take care of the rest. and did He take care of us! I often think that our story is not that unique or special. people get cancer all the time. and people live and people die. and i found myself feeling guilty that our story of cancer was maybe not as tough as other people's. justin said that was dumb and not to think that. so i will try not too. but we changed. forever we are changed. and i would not trade that for the world. my heart is new. and i am still broken and sinful and clearly imperfect but cancer did something big to me. and to justin. and even though ava is so young i know our family's story will change her too. oh, i pray it does. i just read this post to justin and i sobbed. he said, "yes babe this is so emotional."it sure is. much more to come in the following days as justin encouraged me to write everyday for the next seven days. so we never forget. 

From Justin...

Today I ran out of a Wyld Life club to answer my phone…Libby said, “It’s good news.” I came straight home. “I’m cancer free”. I went out to our porch and it’s so warm. It feels like Spring. She is cancer free.

I looked at the water and thought about my Dad’s houseboat and the peace of it, and the last 6 months. Tears filled my eyes. God has done it. I really didn’t know what to say. I made us breakfast. I don’t know what to say but it all wells up inside me. My stomach is twisting. Nothing has changed – we live by God’s love and his purpose – and everything has changed – because prayers have been answered! She is well. But we will let nothing change. We are brand new people because of this, and that we welcome.

Even though so many mistakes have been made – we have not been perfect - I can say with integrity: It was all FOR HIM. And Libby wanted it to be. She did not want attention. We just wanted this to be NOT IN VAIN. We didn’t want to waste it. And God has not wasted it. I think about the 1,000’s of messages we have gotten about people being built up and encouraged, and much more bold to speak the Word without fear! All Glory to God -- He met our needs and then some. And then some. And then some.

This would have been worth it – even if it took 25 years to see the fruit. But O how it has COME DAILY ! That is GRACE that we didn’t deserve, but received.

I will speak the Word without fear – never stopping. I don’t ever want to stop, because of fear, or because of anything. It’s a life that we are seeking that’s based on ONE idea.

“It is our eager expectation and hope that we will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage, now as always Christ will be honored in our bodies, whether by life or by death.” Because of God’s healing hand now, I pray He would continued to be honored in more LIFE. Thank you Lord.

God Bless you for praying for us, and thank you. They have been answered in more ways than you can imagine in Libby’s body and in our hearts. 


ps...we will be meeting with our doctor next wednesday the 23rd to talk about what is next...

tomorrow is the big day.

wont it be such a bummer if for some reason we do not get the results tomorrow. i think it will be real sad. but sometimes things like happen. especially with doctor type things. but i will email my nurse and doctor first thing in the morning. or i might right now when i get done typing so its in their inbox already. thank you for the emails, texts, calls, thoughts and prayers. we feel so very loved. i can not even tell you. when i was driving home from walmart tonight...i needed some spray paint for a few of my decorating projects tomorrow...i was overcome with emotion. just thinking about how big the news of tomorrow is for our family. and for those of you who love us and care for us. whether you know us or not you have walked this road with us both near and far. and we feel it. so thank you. my mom called me today and asked how i was feeling about getting the results from my scan and said..."oh, i had not really thought about it." which is good i guess. but i think its more like i happened to not be thinking about it that very second when she asked me because i have for sure been thinking about it. although we have every reason to believe i will good to go...i have a titch of anxiety about it all. which is normal i think. it's just going to be huge to know that based on what medical technology can tell us my body is cancer free. how far we have come. how ready we are.

today was a big day for ava. she technically played outside for the first time. please don't judge. we have not done a ton the past few months. and she was not real mobile when it was warm out a few months back and since its been cold she has learned to walk and move around a lot more...so now this girl is ready to explore a world she barely new existed. for example, bubbles...we blew bubbles together this afternoon and she laughed at them. it was precious. she likes to suck on the wand so we will work on maybe not going that. also sidewalk chalk and rocks (we have them in our landscaping and she likes them. she likes to put them in her mouth. so we will work on not doing that too. wagon rides (justin put her wagon together tonight and she loves it). we went to the park today and she went in the swing for the first time and is obsessed with that too. i let her crawl around at the park in the wood chips. but i was worried about her getting a sliver (i guess most people saw splinter, but i was taught it was a sliver. so ava will too. i am not that mom. but i am a little bit. her leggings got dirty today too from crawling around outside. she can walk but crawls when she wants to get somewhere quickly. she has never really gotten dirty besides from food or whatever and i can't wait for everything that is ahead as the weather gets warmer and she discoveries so many new things. it was a good ava day and a good husband day. i got home tonight from painting pottery with some women from church and to my surprise the house was spotless. seriously so neat. it was such a gift. he redeemed himself because this morning when i woke up i realized he had not taken the trash to the curb. instead he walked past it at least four times and simply forgot. so the house cleaning was a serious bonus.

my husband...we are so close to putting all this behind us. although cancer is apart of who we are now i am praying we are about to enter into a new chapter of life and all that it brings.

my ava...thank you for the joy you bring to our lives. it is not always easy but you have been the greatest gift in all of this...well besides seeing how much the Lord loves us. 

post pet scan and a little decorating.

i had my pet scan this morning. hopefully my last one for a while. the last iv. the last medications. the last time i will enter that building (my pet scans are done at the same place i get chemo). i was a little anxious because yesterday i was terribly sick and throwing up. not sure why. may have been a migraine. and i have also decided since getting cancer that my go to side effect for whatever my aliment might be is throwing up. gross huh. i know. can't help it. nausea is my thing. no one is allowed in the room with me so my friend ally drove me and justin picked me. i am going to tell you about what happens at a pet scan. i never knew before i had one so i thought maybe readers would like to know. i am going to blog about chemo too. like the details. what goes down. how i feel. how justin feels. and how noura my nurse feels too. she gives chemo to people everyday. i am dying to know to her heart and how/if that impacts her. but every time i try to write about it i literally get sick to my stomach. but one day i will. so at my scan...basically the nurse takes me into a room with a two leather recliners. i was in one and an older women was in the other. i sit in it and they hook me up to an iv. not sure what was going into me but i have to sit there for about an hour. my left arm has gotten a lot of attention over the past seven months but i still can not watch when they draw my blood or put in an iv. i hate it. and it does not even really hurt so i am not sure what my deal is. but either way i hate it. i do it because i clearly have no choice. so then i recline my chair. put on a blanket. music is playing. need you now by lady antebellum played and i cried. not sure why...but i cried. i would say i am pretty emotional right now. i do like that song. but mostly i was just happy and sad at the same time about everything going on. i have a lot moving around inside my heart and head. and its hard to explain any of it but i am trying. then i am asked to drink this rather large radioactive white drink. its sick. i guess it helps them to see things inside me while they are taking pictures during the scan. i drink about 3/4 of it. and i also had to take a major drug to help "chill me out" since last time on my report they said i was a little anxious and recommended i take some heavy medication in the future. so i did. not too heavy though. then i read my nook. i am reading the book hunger games. its crazy and intriguing and i love it. i text a little too. thanks for those of you sent me a little shot out this morning. i appreciate it. after about 45 minutes they take out my iv and then suggest i go to the bathroom. better pictures with an empty bladder the technician tells me. so i do. then i lay down and they put a blanket over me (where i get my scan does is in this mobile trailer. it moves to all different hospitals to provide pet scans and its cold inside there). and then they raise me up and i go in and out of this large donut. my arms are above my head. i just have to lay still and breath normal. it does not feel claustrophobic or anything to me. pretty harmless. they have music playing so i listen to that and think about my ideas for redecorating the guestroom and sprucing up ava's nursery a little bit. grey and white for guestroom and adding a little more pink and some fun fabric to ava's. in case you care. then after about twenty minutes i am done. they lower me down and i feel good. a little funny because of the ativan i took. but not sick this time. yay! justin meets me and we head home. but first stop at dunkin donuts. fyi i am not eating donuts anymore (stopped a few months back in an attempt to eat a little healthier). now its still a skim iced mocha but i eat a turkey sausage flat bread instead. all in all the pet went fine. thank goodness. we will know the results on friday. CANNOT WAIT. i do not use capitals often...so you know i am excited about friday.

today is a good day. the end is near. and we are ready for it.

valentines day night.

tonight we celebrated with dinner on the porch. we turned on the big heater to make it nice and toasty. roses. gift cards. and daddy's first valentines day card from ava. she made it herself. it was a great night. we are more in love than ever. cancer will do that. life will do that. we knew we were meant for one another from day one. but this past six months simply confirmed it. its nice to eat dinner and talk about the future and how i literally feel different. like that dark greyish cloud we had over us is lifting. and that constant titch of anxiety that regardless of how good i felt there was always another chemo treatment right around the corner. and life looks and feels different now that its gone. i thought a lot about what it would be like after chemo. what life would be like i mean. and i still do not really know. but i do know that today was a gift. maybe just for me. it was warm. the river was stunning. the sun was so so bright. and to be honest i needed today. something felt different about today. and i can not explain it. but i will never forget it. my husband and i sat down for dinner with our daughter and things felt right. for the first time in months and months life felt a little easier. funny how in the matter of a few hours i will take back what i wrote earlier today about vday not being a big deal in our family. starting now valentines day will always be a big deal for this family. maybe the biggest. not because of flowers or cards or having real high expectations for justin that he may or may not meet. but today i felt more alive than i have ever felt in my life. we have always tried to have a good attitude with this whole cancer thing. but today i experienced one more reason why i was given cancer. to feel more free than i knew was possible. and cancer did this? God does really move in crazy ways. we just have to trust Him. and there is something magical about living on the water and the peace that it brings to my soul and to justin's. he sat across from me tonight and said..let's be best friends. i agreed and then we proceed to each read our cards and smile because we basically each wrote the exact same thing to one another. its nice knowing that i picked the right guy to marry. even when its hard. i still would only want to do the hard stuff with him. 

ava's first time using markers. and her first of many homemade cards.

p.s. then shortly after i wrote this justin and i got in a disagreement. that is a relationship for you. its great one second and then not so great the next. we worked it out. but just thought i would add that. 

valentines day.

i often wake up in the middle night or in the early morning with all these things i want to write about it. then i wake up for the day and forget them. not all the time but sometimes. and it always sounds so much better in my head.

its valentines day. our family does not really go all out for this holiday. we celebrate but not over the top.
ava and i do have some tricks up our sleeve for justin tonight at dinner when we exchange gifts. we are thinking we will go crafty this year. our first valentines day we were married justin went all out with a surprise scavenger hunt for me when i got home from work. he had thought of all my favorites. a gift card for the exact amount for a peanut butter cup blizzard from dairy queen. a pedicure. flowers. and a massage. perfect. all things i love. he set the standards high during that first year and now its hit or miss. just kidding he always remembers and does something special. whether big or small. i reminded him that he has two girls to celebrate today.

as i look forward to re-entering life. i have been looking into all these fun little things to do with ava. like swimming lessons, kindermusik, music together, etc. all look real great and not real cheap. but we will be doing something for sure this spring. along with things that are free (ish). the zoo, park, botanical gardens, wagon rides, her new swing, and playing outside. its gorgeous outside here today. and its getting me excited for it all. these type of activities are probably normal for most moms but since getting sick and it being winter and all...we have stayed inside a bit more than what we would like. i like thinking ahead to everything we will do and having the energy to do it. i have a little guilt about it all so thankfully she is entering into an age where doing and going are more fun and she can begin to participate that much more.

even though its still february and i am not sure that the warmth of today is going to last. it is still so nice to think that this changing season...both literally and figuratively hold a whole new meaning for us. its going to be a good year and a good spring. i can feel it.

thank you for the packages and cards that arrived this weekend. ava got some love to. thank you for thinking of her and loving her...even though many of you have never even met her. there is something special about people loving your daughter in the way many of you do. so thank you.

happy valentines day.

slowly but surely.

today was a good combination of lots of things i love. hanging out with erinn. playing with ava. eating some good "whole" food. taking a walk. sitting on our porch. taking a little nap. reading. hanging with justin. it was nice. i am for sure feeling better. tired but that is normal. i feel happier too. i think i am beginning to let myself get a little excited about being done with cancer. i even told ava tonight when i was rocking her at bedtime...mommy is not going to be sick anymore and will be able to play with you a lot more. it felt really nice to say. especially because i remember so clearly the night i rocked her to bed and told her how i was sick and that i was so sorry and that i was going to miss out on some things in her life. but would try my hardest to always put her to bed at night. no matter what. and i pretty much did that.

we ran a few errands tonight. they were only supposed to take an hour or so. but they took two and half. bed bath and beyond who is usually so cool about returns (my blender randomly stopped working today) took forever when i went to exchange it. either way i got a new a new blender and i like having new kitchen gadgets. then we went to barnes and noble because my nook was freezing up off and on when i read. which is real annoying. i did not take a stroller with me because i thought we would be in and out. not the case. it was a whole ordeal and i was trying to hold ava on my hip but she wanted to get down but the floor grossed me out. and although she is improving a ton in her walking abilities she still is not real sturdy. its taking so long that at one point i walk to the starbucks area and grab a high chair and strap her into that by the nook help desk with a few random kid valentines day books. but she proceeds to throw them on the ground. of course. so i take her out and my arm is aching. i am not that strong. she is hungry and i am tired and annoyed this is taking so long. i almost leave like four times. then the women helping me asks me to come back in ten minutes so she can call customer service and reset my nook. so i take ava to the play area at barnes. she does not have shoes on so i am hesitant to let her down, but she does have tights on. well a  nice family is sitting in the area by the train set reading books as a family. it was real cute. i loved it. so i let ava down because my arm was breaking. she of course wants to be right up on that family. she does not do well with understanding other people's personal space. but they were nice about it. not sure if its been two minutes or twenty but i go back to the help desk and she thinks my nook is fine. she thinks. great. and told me to maybe come back when i have more time. i am like are you kidding me? but i am not rude. its not her fault. so we leave. thankfully ava never totally lost it. but man...i realize that none of this is really that big of a deal and i am not trying to be dramatic. but it was just more than i could handle today. the second i feel like i am turning a corner i want to get out of the house and do something. but i was just way too exhausted for this. all i needed was a stroller. somewhere to set my little baby. i am ready for her to walk i think. she is getting more and more confident by the day. its adorable.

and tonight in the bath ava laughed harder and longer than i have ever heard her laugh in her life. and i needed that. it rejuvenated my spirit a little bit. this girl brings me life. and i love that. and i need that. but we are turning a corner. slowly but surely we are reentering real life. not that we left it but a little we did. i just noticed that my side of the bed has a deep indent in it. that only occurs if you spend a little more time in bed than a normal person should. like my husband. whose side of the bed has no indent. opps. i guess that is maybe allowed if you have cancer. or should i say had cancer.

its hard to rest. but i am so tired.

in theory resting should be easy. but its hard for me sometimes. its hard to sleep. even when i know i am supposed to or i should i sometimes just can't. i feel sick. nauseous and tired. but i can't seem to sleep. i can sense a bit of anxiety. i thought today for a moment...did we get ahead of ourselves with all this "its done" and "we did it." i mean we do not have the PET scan results yet. but regardless i am done with chemo. even if the cancer is not gone i am still finished with chemo. this is what your mind does when you spend too much time in bed. you ask questions. and think what if. it will be nice to have those results next friday to know for sure for sure that we are cancer-free.  i feel a little stuck. wanting to celebrate but having a hard time letting myself go there until we know what is ahead. but we don't know yet. and that is okay. and that is a part of trusting.

until then we wait and honestly i would rather not. but i will try and wait in confidence that this time of our lives is coming to end and something new and big and exciting is coming next. not sure what. but something. i can feel it. my good friend erinn is here. she was my young life leader in high school and through the years our friendship has changed and grown. as friends, wives, and mothers. she encourages me in the areas where i doubt myself and knows how to ask questions that i sometimes do not want to answer. it's always done in love. its safe. and its real. thank you for being here and caring for ava and for me.

another reason sleeping is hard because i can hear a little girl right outside my bedroom chatting away.  in her own little language. its loud. but nice at the same time.

i wonder what its like to genuinely have energy? i miss that. and i am looking forward to having my body back. it wont have to fight cancerous cells plus try and do everything else i did pre-cancer. not trying to sound like i did a ton, but just normal me stuff. like be a woman and mom and wife and friend. that will be nice. because i go from feeling okay to feeling miserable in seconds. its just exhausting to live like that. but the end is near. and i will cling to that.