what's next.

we are all healthy here in the river house. thankfully i never got sick. which was great. this weekend has been extra special for me because i did not know i would have it. i mean a weekend where i felt good. i realize that it may seem silly that i love when chemo is cancelled only to be moved until a later date, but i like putting it off. but i also like being done. so its a toss up. today when ava woke up from her nap we went to target together. we like target. but i do hate it when i actually have money to spend i can not find anything i really like. it always seem to work out that way. but we were on our way and i was listening to music and just feeling really peaceful and content and happy. and i cried. because i do that sometimes. just happy that i am five months into cancer and i am not nearly as miserable as i feared i would be when i was anticipating what cancer would look like and feel like.

a lot of people have been saying things like...oh, man only three more. you are almost done.  which is a true statement. but its still three more. you want to go to one of my treatments for me? i am just finding that although i do only have three left and people are asking me about the future and what will life look like after cancer. i think i am trying not to get ahead of myself yet. because when i do i get excited and i just want feburary 8 to have come and gone. and even as i write that its awesome to think...less than 30 days until sucky, horrible, nasty, i hate you so much chemotherapy...is out of my life. i know its what's killing my cancer, but i hate...like passionately deep in my soul...hate chemo.

so i decided today that i am going to try and not worry about life after cancer yet. but simply live. and without being cliche...not worry about tomorow.

our good friends cliff and laura came down yesterday. and we talked yesterday afternoon about our lives and our marriages, and cancer. i thought about how august feels like years ago. not just 5 months ago. but another life. because life now is separated into pre cancer life and post cancer life. but the in between. the part we are in now. has been hard. and sad. and i cry (i just pretend to be strong when i am around other people. because i never want to dramatic or act like i am the only one with problems. everyone has their own stuff and their own pain. and ours in no more important or special). i know now that no one is safe from cancer. or pain. or death. or joy. or life. or love. we get it all. the good with the bad. but the good is that much sweeter after the bad. someone i love dearly recently said (in so many words)...that is great and all. how if we go through pain we come out stronger. or learn something huge. and everything is different. but i would rather not have any of that. the bad and the scary. i would like to just avoid that part of life. sadly we cannot. but tonight as i was crying on my way to target i was so overwhelmed with the fact that God knew all this was coming. all of it. He was preparing me for something big. and justin too. something that would change everything for the rest of our lives. and i feel like i say that a lot. but as i think about my future i am looking forward to living out those changes. and experiencing a life that is different than maybe i thought it would be. better than i thought. and since we did not see this coming. i feel a bit more prepared that we may have a lot more coming our way that we think we are not ready for. but i am not scared. i am ready. well i think i am ready. maybe not too much. since cancer has been a big one. but cancer has not caused me to fear the future. and worry about what may or may not happen. instead i feel like i trust God more. because He is carrying us through cancer. He can carry us through anything. and that brings me comfort.

for ava. from angie.

a birthday video for ava from her "aunt" angie. 

i told you ava that people love you. 

our little girl is one.

honestly i can not believe it. our little ava is one. and ava...i have not even begun this post and i am already crying.  even though we were a bit surprised when we found out you were growing in my belly. the lord was way ahead of us. because i am not sure i would have been able to keep myself together through this season of life without you. really sweet ava. its true. i think about this a lot. how easy it would be to just sleep and read and stay inside when i was sad or sick. but because of you no matter what i had to get up. i had to keep moving. take care of you. feed you. play with you. read to you. teach you. rock you. bathe you. and kiss you. and kiss you. and kiss you some more. thanks for being so flexible. and easy. and fun. and how you scrunch your face sometimes. and smile with your six little teeth showing. and how you come to me when you are sad or hurt or scared or you want to cuddle. you have been the greatest gift in my cancer. well besides your dad. but its about you today. and i love you so much that my heart aches. it literally aches over you. 

you decided to arrive a few days late. and although it was so hard for us to wait and wait...we knew you would come when you were ready. and girl you were ready. i labored through the night and before we knew it my contractions were only one-two minutes apart. so we got ready and daddy packed the car and we were on our way. and when we got to the hospital you arrived a few hours later. it was calm (after i got the epidural). we turned on the ipod and daddy and i talked. all about you. and what you would look like. and how you would act. there were so many unknowns. but we knew that you would be coming into a family that was full of lots of love. see your dad and i love each other a lot. like a lot a lot. but when you came into this world...you changed everything. in the best possible way. thank you for teaching me how to love in a new way. a deeper way. and we became a little team you and i. we did everything together. and although i wish cancer was not a part of our story. it is. and we can not change it. but you will not even remember this time in your life. but i will. and my sweet little ava...you helped me through this. so thank you sweet baby.

ava's first birthday party. in louisville, kentucky. 1.1.2011

party favors.

gelato. your cousin isabella's favorite.

your cake. but you could not actually eat since it had eggs. but we got you a special one.

you kept that flower on your head for most of the party. nice job little one.

sweet lexington friends. 

cousin drake and aunt becky. (sorry allison the one of you and i was not that cute)
and sara we did not even get one taken. sad.

you devoured that cake. nice work.

your little scrunch face. love it.

opening presents. and i seem way more excited than you.

nope i am way way more excited in this one.

your sweet little cake.

you loved it.

little ella. your favorite girl cousin. oh, i hope more than anything that you two are close.
 even states away. you will love each other dearly.

momma and ava.

ella and wadey eating some gelato.

i love you ava. you and me. we make a good little team.

sweet ava. not only do your mommy and daddy love you more than they know how to express. but you have so many people who love you. your family all over the country. your friends in va, ky, mi, many other places.  you are so special to so many people. and we hope that not a day goes by where you do not feel that love deep inside you. thank you for the joy you bring to our lives and so many others. you really have been the greatest gift to our family. we love you ava.

no chemo. well not for today at least.

because my doctor is wonderful. yes he is. i emailed him real early this morning after being up with ava about five times last night. and asked if we could move my treatment to tomorrow or early next week. and he said yes. i am so thankful. i was so anxious last night because justin is horribly sick and i thought ava was getting it too. but at this point this morning she seems better. no fever. and even ate a little cereal. so we are upstairs "playing." me on the couch because i am so tired and she is on the floor playing with some of her birthday gifts. justin is in bed and we are keeping this place clean. lots of lysol. and i am even wearing a mask. i do not want to get whatever he has. so please pray for our family. but for today we are all going to rest and fight this nasty little bug.

a sneak peek.

she loved her little cake.

the adorable food table.

our family.

reality.

kentucky was a nice break. it was full of kids playing (and hiding behind drapes), talking, shopping, gift giving, eating, our sweet ava's first birthday party, panera mornings, red robin turkey burgers at night. some of my favorite things. and all that was good. but what was really good was being able to spend time with people you love. some people i love the most in the world. and to just be together. not email. or text. or skype. or the phone. but live and in person. and its never quite long enough.

it was good to travel and feel normal. honestly i did not feel like i had cancer at all. and that is such a gift and i can not even express as tears roll down my face. but it was nice. real nice. i only thought about cancer when i was too tired to stay up late with everyone, because i hate missing anything. and that i constantly wear a hat now. its funny to me that i wear hat. and its annoying too. but it is what it is. and its better than bald i guess. my little hats with my thin little hair poking through the bottom. but its me. even when i do not feel like me. its still me and my family and friends reminded me of that this weekend. so thank you.

ava's party was perfect. seriously. i will try and get pictures posted on her birthday. so be looking on friday. she honestly was so sweet. she kept that huge flower on her head for most of the night. and she devoured her (no egg) birthday cake. the decorations were precious. i went and took a little nap before the big party and to my surprise the entire upstairs had been transformed. and it was a sight. thank you to all who made it possible (specially tommy and sara). it was important to celebrate ava. she has had quite the year for such a little person.

but now we are home. and it was cleaned when we arrived, thank you barbara. but within minutes it was covered with suitcases and dirty laundry. i hate to unpack. and i woke up to ava with a 102 fever so we headed to the doctor. she is fine as far as they can tell. and if you read this blog will you please pray specifically that ava does not get sick and/or me and/or justin. thank you. we would rather not be sick. so us girls came home and took a 2.5 hour nap. yay. and then i headed to the doctor too. got a shot. and now back in bed. ava is sleeping too. and its back to reality. and man i am so over it. i am so over cancer. i just had a little glimpse of what life is like without cancer while in kentucky. and i liked it. but now we gear up for number 10. and sometimes i have a hard time gearing up for it. but i will. because that is what we do. i feel like i just had chemo. time flies. please pray that this round is not that bad.

we are back.

this will be short. but since there is a new header i thought i better post a little something. but i am real tired. more like exhausted. but kentucky was special. it was great. it was refreshing. it was nice to get away. more details about the trip to come tomorrow. and thanks to those of you that were concerned about the ryder family since we had not blogged. but we are okay. more than okay. just a little busy living...

but we made it home. we are safe and sound. and ava was meant to travel. she did wonderful.

i started unpacking a little tonight. but got to overwhelmed so now i am in bed with a bowl with a cereal and my mac. but i am so bummed. i unzipped a pocket of our suitcase to find that our brand new. just opened. box of formula had tipped over. gone. twenty three dollars down the drain. and i can not stop thinking about it either. but that's life.

and its almost time for number ten. typing that made me smile. in about a month we will be done with chemo. the end is near. goodnight.