Tuesday, November 30, 2010

something peaceful.

there is something peaceful about me sitting in bed on our laptop and justin asleep next to me with the nbc rockefeller special on tv. his cold has gotten a lot worse tonight. so after some night time medicine he was out. but ava. well little ava on the other hand was put to bed at 7:30pm and i totally thought she was sleeping until i looked at the monitor only to see her little hands waving in the air. she has not cried. not once. but now i am worried her little cold is getting worse because she has not fallen asleep yet. ok i just looked over and i think she is sleeping...

i have been thinking about august a lot today. a girl emailed me who is in the midst of her own lymphoma diagnosis. same age. married. and with a two week old little boy. my heart broke when i read her email. i started crying as i wrote her back. it brought it all back. all the emotion. the fear. the pain. the anger. all the unknowns. wanting answers. begging for them but being asked to wait. august was by far the hardest month of my life. and even as i type this out. i am realizing that i was a different person then. i literally do not feel the same anymore. and i can't explain it. not in a bad way or even a good way i guess. it just does not seem like this...like what we are living right now is even our life. and august. well that seems like a hundred years ago. and certainly it did not happen to us. i bet this sounds strange. because i am actually processing this as i type this. or actually not really processing anything, but maybe just beginning to for the first time. what this means. how i feel. what has changed. where we go from here. and then i remember. we are still living it. we are 7 treatments in with 5 more to go. we are just over halfway. i think in many ways since hearing that the chemo is working its been easier to not take all this so seriously. because i am "fine."and i guess tonight when i was driving home i thought...wow we are still in this. in the middle of it. and this is still real. and we still need to be on our knees. how easy it is to lose sight when your prayers get answered. we prayed and prayed. we begged and begged for the chemo to work and for the cancer to stop growing. and it did. and its working. and i still want to live with the deep dependence on christ that i did before we knew if the chemo was working. and tonight i realized that i have not. that since we heard the news from my pet scan things have looked and felt different. but i desire to trust and depend on the lord regardless. not only when its good or when its really really hard. but no matter what.


  1. Praying for you here in Tennessee :)

  2. Libby, I'm still praying for you. I think that so many of us are in the same boat. When things aren't going so well, we pray and pray and feel closer to The Lord, but when things are going well, we sort of slack off. We should be giving praise during our "up" times, but as easy as that sounds, it doesn't seem to happen like it should.

    Hope your cold is doing better tonight. Praying for all of you to sleep well tonight and for Justin to wake feeling much better.

  3. i am going to pray for that girl tonight (and for you as always).
    Love you.

  4. sad to hear of the people suffering through things like this. cancer is such an ugly thing. i'm glad that you were able to gain strength through it, i'm sure that your relationship with your husband and with god have grown immensely through this time. god bless

  5. Amen! You're still in my prayers, Libby. Thank you so much for your example of faith and your desire to stay on your knees before Christ.

  6. Libby you are such a strong strong christian, mother and wife. You are an inspiration to me and to many many others. You have had to deal with many things most people only read about. Remember that even in the worst of cancer, you share the best of God. He has that love for us all and you are showing so many people how to let Him in. Thank you for always sharing the praises along with the troubles, I enjoy praying daily for your family and then reading the answered prayers everyday! You are such a blessing. Much love & peace to you, Justin & Ava!

  7. I SoooooOOOO understand your feelings of that woman that was diagnosed w/ a 2 week old...when I read your story for the first time I too had unreal feelings. Your blog could have been something I had written exactly one year ago. Its a very strange feeling...makes you reflect on your own situation! I pray for all cancer patients and survivors every night...we have a lifelong battle!
    Prayers from Cali

  8. Hi Libby,
    I have been following you for awhile now and praying for you through this. The Lord is good to remind me of you often. Your testimony has been such a blessing to me!
    I told a girl in our youth to look you up. She is a new believer :-) we are so happy about that! She has had a childhood cancer for many many years and it is kept in check with chemo shots once a week. The doctor stopped the shots for the last couple weeks til she sees him again and she is in a lot of pain. The cancer affects her muscles and joints. Her name is Reyna.
    Love in Christ, Jen

  9. thanks for the perspective you unknowingly give me. I'm 16 weeks pregnant with my second; my oldest turned one two weeks ago. This morning I came down with one of those lovely GI bugs that leaves you hugging the porcelain throne at one o'clock in the morning. I csnt even remember the last time i was sick. My brother came to care for my little person while I struggled to eat and sleep and muster up barely enough energy to read green eggs and ham. I don't have cancer. This bug will most likely be gone by Friday. So thank you for sharing all your struggles. It reminds me that life and health are precious gifts. and I pray you have more days filled with energy than you ever imagined possible. keep writing. Your words remind me of our glorious hope in Jesus. so for all the days you feel horrid and blog about it, thank you. and praying the horrible feeing days are quickly coming to an end for you. - danielle


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