finally...

if i were you i would be annoyed with me. i am me and i am annoyed. i love this blog. i love this space. i love how it has given me a place to grow and be honest and share. lately life has just been a bit too much and this little blog has gone to the wayside. but i want to bring it back. my heart feels like it might burst with everything i am learning and feeling. but i am just straight up so tired at night to get myself to write. i am sad that little lyla's life has not been documented here. i so want this blog to be something for the girls. they will read it one day and be given a glimpse into their momma's heart. and ava...oh, strong little ava who is becoming a little girl. she is the best big sister. her love for teddy is more genuine than i ever imagined. especially this soon. praying these little ladies will be the best of friends for life. i am about to head to bed but little lyla is sound asleep on me so i want to share some highlights. this is what's been going down here on paul street.

1. lots of girl time. (we miss you babe).

2. nursing. a lot.

3. naps. mostly for lyla.

4. back to work. i kinda hate it. only 6 hrs a week.

5. making scarves. 

6. nursery decor

7. ava wanting to do everything on her own.

8. lyla: overall the best. a little fussy. loves to be held. if she could lay on me all day she would sleep all day. swear. 

9. not feeling totally overwhelmed. but certainly have my moments.

10. first thing ava asks for when she wakes up..." hey, mom where is my baby."

11. i eat a lot of dairy queen reeses blizzards.

12. i make a lot of target runs. even if just to stroll the aisles with the girls. but ava loves those huge carts and i hate them. i did find out yesterday that target now provides cup holders for your cart. so pretty much it's the perfect place.

13. we have great friends.

14. grief is heavy and i am sleepy.

15. but joy wins.

keeping my eyes on Christ. 

 

oh, man am i in love.

***

yesterday i had never heard of it and now i am heading to texas.

hope spoken

cute tray for you.

loved reading all the comments from you.

the suitcase was pretty funny for sure.

it has been a good day but a long day.

the girls are both asleep and i finally caught up on work and our favorite show top chef starts soon 

so this will be a quick one.

winner of the adorable lucite tray from crystal faye is...

Melanie R.

"I love this blog! I think it's precious that Ava brought that suitcase with her to the dance. I totally would've done that as a kid too. :)"

congrats melanie. please email me at libbyryderblog@gmail.com to get your new tray.

crystal faye seems to add new items to her site daily and if you like a monogram than she is your girl.

i basically would not mind owning each and everything she sells.

don't forget that blog readers get 10% site wide with code DWYC10

www.shopcrystalfaye.com

goodnight from little lyla. sleep well everyone.

giveaway time.

it's been a restful weekend.

i did not realize how much my scan last week was weighing on my heart. last week felt dark and sad. but since we found out that it was clear i have felt more like myself. i have missed that.

hoping to get back into my life a bit more this week. that means actually taking a shower and getting ready, hanging with people i love, and spending a bit more time outside of the house.

justin and ava went to a dance together last night. it was a daddy/daughter valentines day dance.

it's a small thing but she felt so old last night. as she got ready. asked for a purse, (which ended up being a suitcase. she is kind of a hoarder) some make-up, and curly hair.

thankful for a husband who loves his girl as much as he does. it makes all the difference.

 a little fuzzy. 

 she did in fact drag a suitcase to the car. 

she was instructed it needed to stay in the car during the dance.

***

now onto the giveaway. 

my dear friend crystal is back with this super chic lucite tray.

at our house it is being used in lyla's nursery to hold lotion, baby wash, etc.

(nursery reveal at some point).

but it can be used for anything. maybe on a dining table, coffee table, dresser, bathroom to hold make-up or perfume. 

best part. 

it's custom. 

choose your design. colors. monogram.

if you want your own adorable tray leave a comment and you will automatically be entered to win.

winner announced wednesday. 

so you have a few days to enter.

seriously don't be shy.

just enter.

it is really cute and durable.

you may win.

check out www.shopcrystalfaye.com

***

i am making infinity scarves again (email me to place an order) and ava needed one her size.

how cute?

leave a comment because it is nice to win free stuff.

two years later.

today is the two anniversary of completing my very last chemo.

ahhhhhhhhhh

two things: i still can not even believe that i even had cancer and i will always hate chemo. thankful for it. but hate it all the same.

i never want to go back there again.

we made this video to remember. to remember where we were and where we had been...and now seeing where we have come.

in two years we have grown. we have changed. we moved. lost pop pop and welcomed sweet little lyla. in between some many little things and big things that are all making me into who i was created to be.

i am thankful for life and for health and for everything in the past years that are all apart of my story. it has often felt like a lot. especially lately i have been overcome with emotion of grief and loss and shock. that same emotional heart turned into joy and disbelief and thankfulness as i look at lyla everyday. i remembering thinking about what life would be like for ava without me and how her little life would be different than most of her friends because she had lost her mommy when she was a baby. but that is not her story. not only is that NOT her story but now she is big sister. she has a new best friend that i never imagined would be possible. but it is. she is laying right next to me as i write and i get lost her little eyes and how i think she looks a little like me when i was a baby. selfishly i love that. our lyla teddy.

it is good to reflect sometimes. to see how we have grown and how seasons change. 

if life seems hard right now...it wont always be this hard.

if life feels easy and joyful...soak it in baby.

for our family we are living in the in between. full hearts among broken hearts.

it wont always be this way. i know that. cancer taught me so much. i never thought it would end. but it did end. two years ago it ended. praying it has ended forever.

***

giveaway details tomorrow.

sneak peek:

 it's from this site

www.shopcrystalfaye.com

her site is loaded with new items. check back tomorrow.

two years.

tomorrow it will be the two year anniversary of my last chemo

and to celebrate one day early we got the results of my PET scan today:

ALL CLEAR. STILL CANCER FREE.

in the midst of deep grief, sleepless nights, some baby blues, watching a lot of friday night lights, learning how to be a mom to two little ladies, falling in love with lyla and loving ava in a whole new way. it has been a roller coaster of emotions. lots of tears and i kind of cry a lot. 

today was full of joy. the relief of hearing our dr say: the scan was clear.

i really have no words to describe how thankful my heart is tonight. not only did this once cancer filled body beat cancer, but carried a baby again, and is now not just celebrating continued healing but...like my sweet friend just wrote down in a little card..."the Lord healed you so you could give life to your precious little Lyla." it really is gift to be healthy and strong even though i have felt so weak and sad these past weeks...my body is healed and lyla is here and she is healthy and she has her mom.

tonight we celebrate.

justin spent most of the day with ava while i got my scan. he's not allowed back in the room with me. little girl did great with a bottle for the first time (can't nurse for 6-8 hrs after scan or hold lyla for 2-4 hrs). justin is the best dad. he did so well with his girl.

 i took this picture and i was real jealous.

 

finally back in her mama's arms. oh, baby i love you.

be back tomorrow with a super fun giveaway 

and a remembering where we were and where we are now.

i am exhausted

precious little lyla is a joy. but during the night that joy seems to fade a bit when all she wants to do is eat and sleep in my arms. but who can blame her? i think i forgot how exhausting it is in the beginning when there is no real schedule or routine yet. i am trying to embrace it and enjoy life in my pajamas and being with both my girls. ava is obsessed and in love. things started out a little rough for her when lyla first came home, but things are much better now. it is nice when you give birth in January because it's so cold that it gives us even more reason to hunker down and hang out in our new favorite room. what a different a new tv (thanks justin), a new rug (thanks mom and dad), and moving furniture around can do to a room. i prefer to never leave. so i pretty much stay put. i did go out with both the girls on monday when it was nearly 70 degrees here. it felt natural. i said to myself...i can do this...i am doing this. even though i had many moments leading up her to birth, especially after pop pop's death that was i scared i would not be able to be a mom to two little girls and feeling such guilt for what this little girl was being born into...two emotionally exhausted and sick parents who were a bit lost in their grief.

we are sad for sure. we cry often. grief like this is something i have never experienced.

but the joy and life that lyla brings has helped us to get up and keep moving. we have to and we want to. our family of four feels good. 

we believe in a God that gives and takes away. we trust His plan that within two short weeks we said goodbye and then were able to say hello to a new life that has already stretched my heart to lengths i never knew existed. our hearts have enough room for everyone. i was nervous that my love for lyla would be different than ava because i have often thought (not really expressed out loud) that ava holds a special place because of what her sweet life gave to me during cancer. but now lyla holds her very own special place in my heart as she gave me hope and life and joy in the midst of loss.

i do not always understand the plan. but i trust the plan and like everything we have gone through and everything we will walk through in the days and years to come i trust the Lord and give Him my life. i find such peace in that. outside of that assurance i am pretty sure i would just be real scared and would cry a lot.

 first time out with my girls.

 my dad and the girls papa surpirsed us from tulsa, ok for a quick visit.

someone wants a paci like her little sister. not going to happen.

thank you to those of you that read the blog who have written emails, sent cards, brought meals, and mailed gifts for the girls. i am not able to express our appreciation.

she's here

sorry for the absence. but more on that later.

tonight we have some exciting belated news. 

last monday on 1.14.13 at 11:07am

lyla teddy ryder entered our family. 

she is healthy and beautiful.

we are in love.

a video, birth story, and a little of my heart to come on the blog soon.

thanks for being patient. it's been a forever changing three weeks for our family.