just a little bummed. but mostly not.

so tomorrow is supposed to be the big day. my last day of chemo. it was changed to wednesday oppose to thursday because noura my favorite chemo nurse. well my only chemo nurse is going to be gone thursday so we set it up for tomorrow. regardless she is my favorite. so i went today and my wbc was the lowest it has ever been. less than 200. so if it does not increase a lot by tomorrow i will not be able to get chemo. which usually i love. but not this time. i am mentally and physically and emotional ready to be done. we decided that if my count is too low tomorrow i will just have to get my final chemo from a different nurse on thursday. which may not seem like a big deal and really it isn't. but noura has been there since number one. so we wanted to go out with a bang together. hoping that tomorrow when i get my labs done they are high enough for chemo. regardless though i will have my final chemo treatment this week. which is good. really good.

after that appointment ava and i headed to her appointment to have her ear infection checked. she has been much better lately. no more cough or congestion so i thought we were good to go. but nope. she still has fluid in her little ears. so we will try yet another antibiotic to get this girl back to normal. its been over a month now and i am over it. its just a little too much for me. i just responded to an email to sara with...kids and cancer are hard. i am ready to get rid of the cancer and just keep my kid. ava is much more fun. even when she is sick.

so i was a little down. definitely physically. just so beyond exhausted. but you keep moving because you have to. and this is all just frustrating to me because on off chemo weeks i try and forget i have cancer. and then it sneaks up on me again. i think because the end is so so near i am just over all of it today.

but thankfully i have people who love me. when we got home justin was home for the day. yay love that. and i had 2 bouquets of flowers waiting for me (thanks k family and t & s). really. means so much. you have no idea. then...as i was blogging a bit. kind of feeling sorry for myself and how much cancer sucks and how much i do not want to be sick anymore another bouquet came (thanks k family). and i cried because i was reminded that i am not alone. not even a little bit. but loved. so dearly loved. thanks for helping me not feel alone in this.

i am planning that tomorrow is it. the end. its here. i did it. we did it. eleven chemotherapy treatments down and ONE to go. my mom asked me today if this has been harder or easier than i thought. and i am not totally sure what my answer is. but right off the top of head i thought...easier. so i guess i do have an answer. ha. but i know that was only possible because of everyone around us and those not around us. with meals, cleaning, prayer, babysitting, flowers, gift cards, the river house, money, family, letters, friends, emails, texts, and more support than i ever possibly imagined, really. i am not sure how to express it. but my little family of three only got through this season of life because we trust God with our lives and we were cared for in such a special way. He did that through the immense, deep, genuine love of people who know us so so so well and those we have never met. so thank you. i am getting a little ahead of myself as i wanted to write about this later. but i had to share my heart today. so in the midst of discouragement i feel loved. and you may not know what a difference that makes until you too go through something big and hard and scary and think...i could not imagine if...blank... happened to me.  and then it does happen and in the end realize we are all stronger than we ever thought and we were not meant to go through life alone. we certainly did not go through this alone. so thank you for entering into our cancer in the best way you knew how. it made all the difference.

*finally thanks to all my friends and strangers (soon to be friends when we meet in nashville) for running this half marathon in our honor. i hate to run. so thank you.*

off to carrabbas for dinner to end this thing right. 

hotels. we love them.

its monday. the beginning of a new week. i should feel rested but i am tired. my sister and drake left yesterday after a great visit. my sister helped a lot and we enjoyed watching our babes play together. even though ava is a little too rough sometimes. we are working on it.

justin and i celebrated valentines day a little early. between chemo, work, and pet scans last night seemed to be the best night. so we drove 15 minutes and stayed at a hotel right on the water. we love hotels. especially justin. he hooked us up so we had lots of good food and a few surprises all without having to leave the hotel. i loved it. we rested. we watched the super bowl. he surprised me with chocolate covered strawberries and a champagne toast to one more chemo. i remember writing...chemo number 1,2,3...and honestly feeling like this day would never come. and now it is almost here. on wednesday we will finish my treatments. we spend a little time talking last night about the past the six months, but mostly shared our hearts about the next six months and what we would love to see happen. i kept saying to justin how i have changed so much and i feel like i am different in so many ways and anxious about what that looks likes and what that means. mostly its just about our new view on life. we talked about how we were given a second chance. as individuals. a couple. and a family. its all a gift now. and we want to live like we did the moment we heard the words...its lymphoma. because in that second we changed. we understand now what it feels like to know that you may not have tomorrow. and how justin may have been a widower at 27. and ava may have never known her mommy. but that is not how our story went. and i can not help but cry and feel my heart ache with gratitude that our story did not turn out that way.

so here's to wednesday!

but ava is screaming so i am done writing now. she is sweet but sometimes not. but it really does not matter because to us she is still our precious baby. who is walking by the way. video to come...

good day.

my other sister is here now. along with her little man drake. he is 18 days older than ava. they do love each other because they are cousins. but sometimes they may not like each other. i have noticed that my little ava is not always so sweet. she is feisty. strong. and determined. and although i am glad my girl is strong like her momma. she can be a little bit of a bully too. we are working on the words be gentle. but we are loving watching our little babes interact and play. its a special time.

i am feeling good. tired but good. went to dr yesterday with ava and she is getting better. but not totally yet.
maybe she just wants to be a little sicky like her mom. but either way we are good and my sister becky is helping a lot. i do not realize how exhausted i am until i have someone here to help me. its nice to be able to relax a little bit and not run after ava all day. and nap time is dream time.

not much going on today. not that my heart is not full of stuff to share today. it is. but i am too tired.

so instead...

picture quality not so good. taken with my phone.

ava in her mommas hat. its precious. she love love loves to wear my hat. and i like that. not when she tries to grab it off my head in public. then i get a little embarrassed. but i do like that she wants to imitate me. because one day she may not want to be seen with me. so i will cherish this.

in less than a month...

we will have the results. the results of my final pet scan post chemotherapy. i have one more treatment to go. then a pet scan. and then on 2.23.11 we will meet with my doctor to discuss the results. almost 6 months to the day from when this began. and its my mom's birthday that day too. so praying for good news. clearly.

this past treatment went well. one of my best. which really gives me the gusto i need for number 12. the last one.my sister took great care of ava and me. we could not have done it without her. i was telling her yesterday that i sorta forgot things i may or may not have said on thursday and friday. at the time i felt totally with it and completely coherent. but when i think back it gets a little blurry. its not like i forgot everything we said or did. because we did talk serious. in a good serious way. and i meant everything i said. its just a bit foggy. i had lots of drugs in my system. but either way it was nice to be with my older sister and talk about husbands, babies, clothes, our homes, friends, living in new places, and drinking lots of dunkin donuts.

on friday i took a bath. i lit candles. and things seemed really clear to me. i felt strong. i felt at peace. i felt a little nauseous. but mostly i felt more confident than i have in a while. about cancer and marriage and being a mom and friendships and what it all means. and mostly i still have no idea what it all means. but for a brief moment. in the midst of feeling a little sad. i was not angry or anxious. i sent this text to justin this...love. not the same person i was six months ago. i am so much stronger and more in love with jesus than ever. i would never take back cancer. not for a million dollars. jesus knew what thru this pain he was going to teach me more than i ever could have could have imagined. i think what i learned the most. well, the two things: trust and strength. i experienced maybe for the first time what it means to really trust God with my life. you have to. there was nothing else to put my hope in. and although we do not know my exact future yet in terms of cancer and if it does or does not still exist in my body. i learned how to trust. really trust when you do not know what is coming. or how hard cancer will be. or if i can do it. or how bad it will hurt. or what i will miss with ava. and how it will impact justin and my family. or my friends. and what it will mean for the rest of my life. but i learned that being anxious and worrying about something that i can not control is a waste of my time. am i still scared? yes a little. do i think about the what ifs? sure i do. but i know God is in this. all of it. the letters i get. the emails. the new friendships. the people we were meant to meet. that had i not gotten sick we may have had no reason for our lives to intertwine. i have never felt more loved in all my life than i have in the past six months. peoples true colors come out when you get cancer. sometimes good and sometimes not as good. but for me. for us. its been more than mostly good. its been real good. the biggest shocker though. is the strangers. the people who have never met me or my family and still take the time to write emails. read the blog. comment on the blog. send gifts. pray. and pray hard. its made all the difference. so thank you.

now strength. i had no idea. i literally had no idea i would actually be able to do this. but i did. i am doing it. i do not say that in a prideful way. i say that in a kind of...i am surprised way. i pretended to be strong back in august when everything was happening so quick and i was not even given a chance to think or process anything. i just kept moving. we just kept moving. i have said this a few times since getting sick, but i think its true. we are stronger than we think we are. really. we are. i promise. you might surprise yourself. i know i did. but i know that for me my strength did not come from within necessarily. i was too weak. too tired. too angry. too sick. too scared. but God is strong. He is the strongest. and He gave me the strength when i did not have any. and He used my husband. my sweet ava. my family. my friends. and so many people i have never met to bear this burden with me. i was not alone. we are not alone now. and i can feel it. i have been so encouraged lately by the flood of emails i have received. i read them. every single one and they have made all the difference. so thank you.

to justin. my dear husband. i am sorry you have had to endure this. i often have no idea what is going on in your head or your heart. as its sometimes to hard to talk about cancer and the fact that i have it. but thank you for sharing your heart a little on saturday night at rockbridge. thank you for representing our family when i couldn't. i have missed so much. and my heart is so ready to do life with you again outside of the river house.

we are almost done.

in bed.

this is where i spend a lot of time after chemo. my bed. its been nice this time that my sister is here because then i am not in bed alone. we can lay together and share our hearts and connect and do what sisters do. thanks to ava for taking four hour naps the past two days. i have not been nearly as sick as i have been in the past after chemo. thank goodness. just real real exhausted. ava is still sick and i hate it. she has the worst little cough and it breaks my heart. but at least she is sleeping okay. minus last night. she was up on and off from like 2-5am (i slept through it all). that is why allison here. so thank you. been thinking a lot about cancer and my heart and how much i have changed since getting sick. but i am too exhausted to write it all down. so that will come later. but we are okay. two sick girls. but one big sister taking care of it all.

we miss you babe. see you tomorrow.

ps. if you like to run or if you like nashville tn or if you just like our family. check out team libby. angie and sarah you are good good friends. thank you and we love you.

chemo number 11.

i feel strangely good this morning. not rushed at all. got everything ready for ava so my sister knows her schedule and everything. i even made myself coffee. took a long shower. it is not the usual anxiousness of running around trying to get everything together and not forgetting to take my medicine and put my numbing ointment on my port. i feel ready. it only took me this long to feel ready. ready for what is to come in about an hour or so. just when i am about to be done i finally get a little comfortable with this whole...getting chemotherapy thing. maybe you are never meant to get "used to" this. and that is good with me. chemo is simply a means to an end. we hate chemo. but we know i need it and know its what saved me. so secretly we like it. just not the actually going to chemo part.

please pray the i do not throw up all through treatment today. please pray i fall asleep. pray i am strong because i have been crying a little more lately about cancer. and i would rather not cry there.

ava has a double ear infection. nasty runny nose. which i told someone yesterday that because she is my daughter, my dear sweet ava. that even when she rubs her snot on me. i don't mind. i am sure that is gross to most of you. maybe if you are a mom you get it. or maybe i am not normal. either way. she has a bad cough too. pray she heals. please. both of us sick is hard. her being sick is so hard for me. especially when i can not care for her the way i want to. but my sister allison is here and i know she will love ava extra hard for me. but its still not me.

off we go. 

cancer is strange sometimes.

its so weird that one second i will feel totally fine and then the next second i am nauseous and too exhausted to drive. that's what happened today. i think i was on a little adrenaline high from this past weekend. seriously i think i was. because this morning our sweet friend dee came over with a meal and we chatted for a while. it was great. i felt alive. it was life giving. not draining. really. i totally felt normal. it had been a great morning with ava and she went down for her morning nap like a champ. even when i left for my doctors appointment i felt pretty good. but as soon as i walked into the waiting room i felt so gross. and usually that only happens during chemo days. but not today. it was bad. i sat in the waiting area and got so sad. sad that i was even there. i do not belong here. and i cried. i have only cried like twice at an appointment since this started. thats pretty good i think. and even when i went back to the treatment room to see my nurse and get my blood results i had to leave the room. just like i did on my first day in there. it was all just too much for me today. i kept thinking over and over...this place is not for me. i felt young because everyone getting chemo today was old. so much older than me. and i felt more out of place than i ever have. so i asked noura if i could wait in my doctors waiting area until my lab work came in and she said yes. and because she is so sweet she came out there with me and we talked about life and how our real friendship will begin once i am done with chemo. because right now the sight of her makes me sick. its not her fault. but she is the one putting poison inside my body every other thursday since august. and i dislike her and love her at the same time. and we laugh about it. i do love her more than i dislike her. my counts were low. not super low but low enough that i needed a shot. so i got my shot and was on my way. and the entire drive home i felt like my eye balls have never been heavier. but i made it. and i kept moving. in fear that if i stopped i would not be able to start up again. 


just when i am able to forget. even for a little bit the fact that i have cancer. it seems to creep right back. but soon it will be gone forever. and that is a very nice thought. two more to go. are you kidding me? did i just type TWO. i most certainly did. 


today was a long full day. and the house is a mess of half unpacked suitcases and loads of laundry to do. trying to get it all done before thursday. so tomorrow we got nothing. and that sounds nice. 


**a sweet book club in richmond, va is raising money for our family via an etsy website. check it out here.**