good day.

today i forget about cancer. these days are nice. i got up at 7am no problem. was not super tired or nauseous. so i grabbed ava's bottle and we hung out. i made coffee. and it tasted good. since i have been sick coffee has tasted weird. but not this morning. justin came home at 10am. surprise. we loved it. he made me breakfast. but not make it sound like we have it all together all the time. first we got in a little fight. just a little guy. after we both stated our sides. i got quiet. and took ava over to her toys and read her book. and was stubborn. but then i walked through the kitchen where he was making us each an omelette and he stopped me. and we hugged. so moving on...i put ava down for her nap. we ate together. then he stayed him with ava while i ran some errands. it is now officially cold enough to wear my uggs. my favorite. since being car less i have missed the freedom that a car brings. bought ava some bows for her hair from a cute baby store. and did some boring errands. then got my nails done. got my new fall drink first. starbucks skim chai latte with three pumps of chai (thank you gift cards). i have been getting my toes painted in a dark gray recently. but never my fingers. i always go subtle. but this time i did dark gray on my nails. and i love it. like seriously love it. jus and i ate lunch together too. thai food. our favorite. no spice for me. and the most spice possible for him. he napped. i rested. and now ava is up. its been a good day and its only 4:47pm. i am so very thankful for days like today. i like it when my family is all together. and i love how my nails look as i type. sorry that is strange i know. but there is nothing about today that has to do with cancer. and i am so happy i could cry. i actually just teared up about it. this is a precious day. and its rainy too. which i kinda love since living on the water.

no title today. could not think of one. so instead i will just write about today and my heart and how i am doing. justin said to me this morning that he wants to hear more from me about how i am doing...more of my heart he said. so i said...stuck in the house, lonely, and tired. stuck in the house because his car is getting repaired and he is using my car so i am car less for the week. and the lonely is really my fault. and the tired. well that is because i am chronically tired. and to all of you cancer patient, fighters, and survivors i commend you for working and raising a fmaily while being sick. i do not know how you do it. but i applaud you. the more and more chemo effects me the more and more i realize how thankful i am that i am able to stay home full time with ava. thanks justin for making it possible. i love being home with her. she is my little partner. it is nice to be in my comfy pants and my robe all day if i want to. but sometimes i get sad about it. like i have nothing to do except keep ava alive and maybe do some laundry. which is sitting in a pile in the hallway. i like the laundry in the machine part. but not the folding and put away part. but in the midst of my own thoughts i struggle with not having a lot to do and not rushing around and having all this stuff going on. i mean i for sure could think of some things i would like to do and then go do that. and usually i do when i feel up for it. but since i do not have a car this week i have thought a lot about how i spend my time. and how i often times find my worth in how much i do. or how many different things i have going on. like its embarrassing to say to someone who you know is super busy...well today i am not doing anything but caring for ava, reading, laundry, and napping if i get a chance. and by the way of course i will "get the chance" to sleep. i try and sleep with ava does. and i am backspacing a lot while i write this because i secretly do not want anyone to know that i am not that busy. but i want to remember this day and how i feel and what is going on in my heart. and my heart is tired. and i want to rest. i want to take this season in and not miss it. i am so accustom to moving through my day from one thing to the next and in some strange way finding my identity in that. which is a lie. i know my worth is not found in anything of this world. but i struggle with that lie. i battle back and forth in my head about it. but since i got sick my prayer was that i would take this season. this cancer season and be still. not miss a second of it. but take time to read. i love to read. and rest. for the first time in a long time. maybe ever. to really rest and allow my body to fight. to fight this cancer real hard. and so far according to my PET scan its working. so i will try to ignore that little voice in my head that tells me i am lazy and i should do more and keep busy. and instead rest. in whatever way that looks like for me. and cherish these days with ava. that i hear go by real fast and try in the midst of it all to see this as a gift. some of the people i love the most have a lot going on and i feel like i can only really see it now because i am not running crazy busy alongside them. but instead i am the one when asked...what are you doing tomorrow? i sometimes reply with..."well nothing". and i am trying to be okay with that. i also realized that i am my own worst enemy and hardest on me. but i think we all do that. and its silly. and its a lie. so today i will be thankful that i do not really feel like i have cancer today. i only know i do because i am still in my comfy pants and rode and about to read my nook to help me fall asleep while ava naps. and that this...my internal battle about how i spend my time...is all okay.

another side effect of chemo...maybe

i have gained weight. about ten pounds. and i am not sure if it has anything to do with cancer or everything to do with cancer. but either way i am ten pounds heavier. people have been real nice about it though. with some select people i have mentioned this fact. not sure why. almost like i want to mention it before they think in their head...oh, libby has gained a little weight. and they are kind because they step back and say...you have not. you look great. and it is very nice of them. oppose to them saying...yup, you sure have put on a few. but the reality is i have gained ten pounds. and because it is winterish here in chesapeake i can hide it with jackets and over sized sweaters. and not to mention the fact that i live in comfy pants. i can not keep enough clean. its not that ten pounds is really that big of a deal. but i did have an eating disorder for most of high school and college and therefore i am a little insecure when it comes to my weight. so i decided at our last appointment to ask my doctor about it. and he of course said it could be lots of things...chemo. my metabolism slowing down. stress. not being as active (that is for sure). anyways i think secretly i was looking for him to blame it all on cancer. that would make me feel better. but really its so hard because i am constantly nauseous. so i will eat something hoping that will help. well it doesn't most of the time. so i try something else. or i will go a few days without really eating and then its like for the next few days i make up for lost time. now i do understand that now is maybe not the time to worry about it. considering my body is trying to fight a disease that is inside me. its more or less needing to process this out. like how its making me feel. i mean there is no way around it...its a bummer when your favorite jeans are just a little bit too tight. that's it. that bums me out. and i am trying to eat healthy. i swear. and i do joke about it because its just easier that way. but honestly in my heart its hard. i am already a little insecure about my hair thinning. i lost a ton yesterday in the shower and cried the whole time. not just about my hair...i had just watched a you tube video from blacksburg young life and that started the tears. but its just hard when your insecurities come to the surface and you have to face them. and my weight has always been that for me. so instead of just talking about with my sisters and complaining i think i will start running. but i am not a runner. never have been. not even for one day. and justin even said to the doctor...i have never seen her run a day in her life (its true). so out of feisty-ness i am going to start running. so i say to justin this weekend all i want for my birthday is a jogging stroller. maybe if i have a jogging stroller i will run. we will see. so today because i do not have a jogger yet i take ava for a walk. in my head i had mapped out where i wanted to walk with her. well we only made it half way. and i was only walking! but seriously i was exhausted. not lazy at all. honestly. i have never known exhaustion like this. i mean i can walk. i have always been capable of that...not sure what the deal was today. i will try again tomorrow. but i still want a jogger stroller from justin. if we get it off craigslist and i only end up using it a few times i will not feel as bad about it. and all this to say maybe i will deal with my weight gain after chemotherapy...that's a thought. and also real thankful that i am not bald yet. totally thought i would be by now.

sweet ava's first halloween.

ava. she is precious. i made her costume. i am so proud of it. not because it was that fancy or even that much work. but because since i have been sick i have been trying desperately to do everything like i would have had i not gotten sick. somethings i cant help...but i try real hard when i can. so there is she is...our sweet little bumble bee! poor girl is teething and her finger was in her mouth all night. but she never cried. she is a champ. she even stayed up 2 hours past her bedtime. and since she is allergic to eggs and peanuts she did not get any candy. but she did not seem to mind. oh, she also had a little stinger on the back of her tutu. so cute.  justin was real proud of me too. everyone we saw tonight he would say, "libby made it....can you believe it?" and in the car he said, "babe...seriously it is the best costume i have ever seen. i love it." so thankful he appreciates the little things i do.

 happy halloween.

it was a rough weekend. felt pretty sick. laura helped a ton with ava so i could sleep. mostly just nauseous and exhausted. but today i started i feeling better. i was so happy i felt good enough to take ava out for halloween. i hope i always appreciate good health. i never did before cancer. but i will from now. i have some things to say...but they will wait. i want this blog to be about ava and halloween and the joy of tonight. we love our little bumble bee. and our little family. and tonight we decided we want to start family traditions with her for every holiday. we want to make a big deal out of the little things. we want her to know how to party and how to celebrate...just for the sake of celebrating. and to experience real genuine joy. we want to create anticipation and excitement around the big things and the little things. so even in the midst of it all...sweet ava yet again...will not remember that her mommy even had cancer on her first halloween. because tonight the ryder family was about dressing up, eating candy, and being with people we love. who all made such a big a deal about ava costume and how cute she looked. thank you. it meant to much to me. and justin too.

Thank you thank you thank you for Libby's Golf Tournament in Lexington! (From Justin)

For a week I have been trying to write this post! In an incredibly busy couple weeks with Young Life, I flew home to Kentucky to play in Libby's Golf Outing. The memory is still giving me hope and thankfulness. In my life, I cannot remember being so thankful to friends and family for organizing something that so honored Libby. I tried to thank people that day by shooting a video, and telling them, you have NO IDEA how this is going to make her feel. Lib felt so loved, supported, hoped in, and encouraged. This golf Tournament helped her to continue enduring the emotional pain and physical exhaustion. It also blessed us by helping us pay for her treatment, and the Lord has provided. To us, its a miracle, and I think the team would agree! I am so thankful to my friends. The years we have known each other, the years we have battled together, the loyalty they have had to us. I can't help but cry when I think about them saying, "We don't care you moved away, we are going to do this for you." This was such an incredible weekend for me. THANK YOU. Thanks to everyone who sponsored, who put in effort and energy, who drove out to play, who brought food for people, who organized, who networked, who fund-raised themselves separate of the tournament. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I truly thank God for you, and will continue to do so -- you have refreshed our hearts. It is impossible for me to really convey how I feel about this, so I will leave it at that. I will never forget this.
 
Here is a video of the day!

justin

babe. sorry. i totally forgot to blog about you and your birthday and how much i love you. lets blame it on the fact that i got chemo yesterday and i am currently on medication. but thanks for being the only person i could ever walk through cancer with. or have a baby with. or move to virignia with and barely know anyone but you. thanks for getting me skim chai lattes with only three pumps of chai because it is too sweet if i get four. and you always remember that. thanks for not turning on lots of lights in the morning because it will wake me and and possibly ava up...because if she sees just a glimpse of light under her door she thinks its time to wake up. thanks for being romantic. and for writing letters. and for always coming to each and every appointment with me. no matter what. and thanks for being willing to shave your head even though i would prefer you did not do that. also i am not bald yet so no rush on that. thanks for working less. and for playing so hard with ava and for always praying with her before she goes to sleep. and for chasing her around the upstairs. oh, she loves it. she loves you. i promise she will start calling you da-da before we know it. thanks for texting me throughout the day. and for making me laugh. you are for sure the funniest person i know and i got to marry you. thanks for pointing me to christ more and more. and for caring for me just the way i need to be cared for. and cooking for me a little more. that is real special to me. you just said to me in the car on our way to the outer banks..."can you imagine if you married anyone else? wow that would have been terrible." you are right justin. we are meant for each other. and we both know that now more than ever. what a gift that is. i promise that your next birthday will not revolve so much around cancer. so happy 26th birthday. we are the same age for seventeen days. you are a gift to me and to ava. we love you.

post chemo 5 and my husbands birthday

yesterday went well. my wbc cell count was just over 2,000 so the shot i got on tuesday worked. so that was good. today was the first chemo day where i actually felt prepared. packed my bag with a blanket (chemo room is always cold), some candy to help with yucky saline taste from iv, my nook, and my medicines. i even remembered to eat breakfast. this post might be short because even typing about chemo makes me nauseous. but my dr was super encouraged about my pet scan. so that was great. basically the cancerous spots that showed up in my last pet scan are not here anymore. so the chemo is working. however, i will still have seven more treatments because there are still cancerous cells in my body that the pet scan can not even detect. but either way we are joyful. but just as that appointment ended we headed into chemo. where i proceeded to throw up right before chemo and then did again when she put my iv in. not sure what my deal is. i asked my nurse to give me some drugs to help me sleep during chemo and that was real great. some sweet ladies always bring lunch but yesterday the sandwich i ate made me so sick. so just went to wendy's for me because i wanted a frosty. he returned with eight of them. i asked him what happened and why he had brought so many frosty's and he said he was not sure. it was cute. so he passed out frosty's to the nurses, our p.a, and the sweet old lady sitting next to me at chemo. it was a long day. longer than usual. mostly because we waited an hour to see my doctor. got home and cliff and laura were here. justin and cliff are doing yl program at a camp near us for the weekend. i was exhausted. but i hate being in my bed alone when everyone is hanging out. so we watched the office and then i went to bed. i was tired. not really sick, just tired.

ava got up a little earlier than usual. but i got up with her and we played. well sorta. if me sitting on the couch counts. today is justin's birthday. he is 26. we all ate breakfast together and then all talked in our bed while ava slept. justin and i rested together for a bit...he fed ava and then the boys headed to camp. laura helped a ton with ava today. i have felt sick and just beyond exhausted. but tried to help with ava as much as i could. now just laying on the couch and will sleep until the boys get back later on. i got justin all his favorite things for when he gets home. so we will have a little party on the porch. with our new fancy heater (thanks mom and dad) since it is officially fall here in chesapeake.

its been interesting for justin and i since we got the pet scan results. we are so joyful and thankful. but still struggling. just struggling to continue to walk down this path. but at least...for now...we see a light at the end of the tunnel.