Monday, January 25, 2016

12 months later

its been almost 365 days since i have opened blogger on my computer. that didn't happen intentionally. i didn't decide one day to just stop writing. i just gradually stopped writing. i made excuses. lots of excuses. some may have even been super valid. either way i am finding myself back on this page. trying to ignore the lies and stop allowing fear to win. since moving to nj i have day by day begun to only listen to one voice. the one in my head that is mostly lying to me.

you have nothing to say.

your story doesn't matter.

people don't even care. they stopped reading once cancer was over.

you aren't learning anything...why force it.

you have no friends. no one likes you. what is purpose other than "just" being a mom.

lie after lie after. but the thing about lies is that if we allow them to settle inside us...they make a home in our heart and our head and it they aren't lies anymore...they are our truth. before we know it we aren't even sure how we got from back there to over here to right now.

but i am making my way back to what i know is true. i never stopped believing that jesus loved me, i was enough, heck i am more than enough because the creator of the universe made me.

be back. children yelling.

i wasn't thriving. i wasn't choosing joy. i was settling for comfort. stuck. new place. new home. not many friends or fellowship. trying to rally. it just felt forced. i felt insecure. not sure of who i was. it sort of felt like i was in middle school. just trying to find myself and make a way in a new place.

now like most seasons of life it wasn't all hard. all the time. i wanted to add that.

but as i reflect and look back and see a girl i do not want to return to...i am holding tightly to the friends who in the past weeks have spoke truth. encouraged me. loved me. allowed me to be me. in those moments i felt more alive than i have in a while. so here i am. pregnant. praise the lord for this precious baby girl. that i am walking into a new season as a woman. than a wife, mother, and new mom to this new tiny life. it all seems fitting. as i am making my way out the lord is bringing a new life into our family and into our hearts. i am grateful for the timing. 4 more months for this baby to grow and for me to begin...every day, every hour to choose jesus and what he thinks about me and my life and my purpose and in that...choosing joy.

my prayer is that the Lord will make a way (isaiah 43). i am not sure what that looks like or even really means. i don't think it matters. i am convinced life is far more about the day to day than the big picture. so for today i am moving towards truth and leaving each little lie at the door and believing that the Lord will make a way for me in this new season and new place.

i want to come alive here. to thrive where i am. maybe even bloom where i am planted. but what if you don't love where your planted? can you still bloom? does that even matter? what do you think? seriously what do you think. leave a comment or email me. libbyryderblog@gmail.com. i am dying to know if i am alone in this or if anyone out there is struggling to find passion and purpose and life...in the midst of the mess of our head and our hearts and lies we believe.

i am peeling back the layers of my heart and exposing what i have been keeping bottled up inside.

thanks for making this a safe place for me to do that.

more to come.





20 comments:

  1. It's so crazy the lies we hear after seeing God show up (and use) our story in such a big way. I'm only 4 months out of treatment and have thought these same lies. Thanks for sharing❤️ Your story is so much encouragement to me.

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    1. Grateful for you and your story. You'd think cancer would be enough for us to really "get it" xoxo

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  2. yes you can. Intentionality and choices and Jesus
    ❤️
    Proud of you and love you so much
    Ash

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    1. My supporter from day one. So thankful for you

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  3. I'm so glad you're back! We still care.

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  4. So glad your back! Totally get how the lies thrive in our head. I think some have actually grown roots and plan on never leaving! Hate that! But only I can choose to make them leave. Love that you are writing again and cannot wait to hear more. The good the bad and everything in between!! Love you! XOXO

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    2. They plant real deep. So true. Miss you

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  5. I don't know you, but I'm glad you're back. I still checked your blog to see if there were any updates. Your story is still a page-turner. :)

    I am a missionary kid. I was born in Thailand and lived there until I was 12. Then we moved to the US (Pennsylvania) and I really hated it here. Where I live is particularly beautiful with rolling hills and lots of farms. I couldn't see the beauty around me at all for the first few YEARS. Every story is different, but for me, I think I started to see the beauty of this place as I started to grow as a person. 16 years later and I realize that this place hasn't changed, but God has changed me. And I love it here so much. Praying that you see the beauty and can bloom where you're planted. And praying for the new little life! I love having girls!

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    1. Melody I love that. I know that so much about our new home is about me and my outlook and encouraged by your story. Girls are the best! It's all we know so we are bias.

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  6. Libby-- love you so much. Trust me, you have a grand purpose. Keep writing. Or don't, but definitely keep learning to live in his abundant grace.

    Let's chat soon... Miss you a ton.

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  7. I am SO glad you are back! I would come here often and I was sad that you were gone. Where did she go I would think. She must be off living her very full, fabulous, busy life I told myself. Funny how we write stories in our heads that have nothing to do with reality. I love what you have to say and you inspired me to finally take the leap of letting others in on what I have to say. xo

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    1. Allison I love your honesty. How easily we imagine other people's lives in our head! Going to check out your blog! So awesome.

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  8. You are so not alone...I've felt a lot of the same feelings being in SF and in this stage in life in general. I still have a death grip on comfort and wanting things to feel easy every day, but then I remember that I'm way too valuable and loved to not be pushed by challenges and struggles deeper into the Lord's love and faithfulness. You have taught me that over and over again, Lib. I miss you always!

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    1. Yes yes! Love that Alex. Change is hard and we want joy and comfort and although God is our ultimate comforter we often loose site when things just feel "hard." You are a gift to me. Xoxo

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  9. I've been checking back and am so happy to see you back. Everyone goes through times of struggle, don't feel alone. God put you exactly where you were for a purpose. He knows that you can bloom where you are and He will give you the strength that you need. It might not be easy to bloom, but it can happen. Don't lose faith, or hope. Your story is such an inspiration and I am sure that one day you will look back on this past year and see so much purpose and growth in it. Wishing you true relationships with women that will lift you up and allow you to speak your heart. Praying for you and for that healthy little girl growing inside you.

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    1. I read this late last night in bed and was such an encouragement to me! Awesome
      To have people in your corner and believing when you are struggling too. Thank you for sharing in our story.

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  10. I am glad you are back. I have been wondering how you are. Congrats on the new baby. Hugs

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