now its really done.

my mediport was taken out today. now they can not give me chemo even if they tried. i was real relaxed about the whole thing until we got to the hospital today and i realized it was surgery. not major surgery clearly, but still surgery. we did not plan this appointment very well since justin is out of town the next few days for work, so my friend allison came along. he hated that. not that allison came with me. he was thankful for that. but hated that he was not there. he has been pretty much unbelievable when it comes to my doctor appointments. barely missing a single appointment. he was a bit more nervous than me about this because i was so terribly sick when they put the mediport in back in august. but it went fine. once i realized it was surgery and wrapped my head around that. not sure how i thought they would be taking it out...but anyways we went to the hospital. sat in pre-op for about an hour. then went back to surgery. it was the same surgeons who had put the port in. they were all real excited to take it out and we celebrated the fact that i am cancer free one more time. it was nice. it was nice that they cared. the two residents said they remember me so clearly because they are both 27 years old so i sorta stuck out in their minds. and because justin and i looked so young in the midst of patients who tend to be much older than us. my nurse who was a kind older women took the time to talk with me for a bit about how cancer changed me. changed justin. our marriage. our lives. and all sorts of things i had learned. i really appreciated that. she is good at her job.

the port was removed just fine. i felt a little sick in recovery but came home and slept. the pain now is just in the area where my port was. it aches and stings. and i am exhausted. but i think its easier this time around because its the end. not the beginning. you can handle pain/discomfort a bit more when you know the cancer is gone and the long road is not ahead of you, but instead behind you. and how i pray. i pray so hard that i never have to go down that road again. so i am off to sleep. allison is staying the night just case. i know that makes justin feel better. and secretly me too.

today was just strange for me. its like it crept up on me. we have moved on in so many ways since hearing the news...cancer free. but today was just a little sad. it brought me back to august and how scared we were and how much that hospital...which once brought such joy when ava was born there, now makes me a little sad. and i would rather not go back. thankfully there are no plans to. its just a part of the whole process of life after cancer. you move forward then back a little. maybe just for today. i do not think i will be stuck in this sad place for more than a day or so. its just a small reminder that it will sneak up on us randomly. and that is okay. its just a part of it all. when i was wheeled out of surgery i looked around the corner...hoping...secretly hoping...justin would be there. he was not. and not because he did not want to be. he said about ten to twenty times..."i will stay libby. i promise nothing is more important than you. i will stay." but i told him to go and that i would fine. because i am fine. even when we were texting after my surgery he said it again..."you need me home?" i am okay. ava is okay. we have help. but i guess all i wanted to know was that he would drop it all. whatever it was to be with his family. and i know he would. so that is enough.

i will post pictures and the details of nyc tomorrow. i promise. and i am excited. wow. it was the trip of my dreams.

new york city. to be continued.

it was amazing. best trip ever. full of surprises and real special details. justin went above and beyond. but i will blog more about the trip with some pictures at some point this week.

i decided today as i was gearing up for writing and for posting pictures from nyc that i would rather play with ava. to be totally honest i am not always the best at really playing with her...i tend to multi-task. but not today. i always seem to have errands to run and laundry to do...like all mothers. but i want to be with her and play and really spend some intentional time playing. so many of our days seems to fill with errands and car rides because i get bored at the house and too tired to play. and sometimes do not always feel like it. can i say that? since we choose for me to stay home full time with ava. and i love it.

she is rolling around on the ground crying as i type. so i will go.

tomorrow is my last and final post cancer doctor appointment. they are removing my mediport. its this thing that is in my chest that they used to administer my chemo. please pray it goes well and there are not any issues. i got real sick last night and it hurt terribly but should not be that bad this time. then no more cancer doctors until the end of may. its almost done.

ps i grew out of those jeans i could fit in last week. nyc will do that to you. and i think its funny that as a women your weight can honestly fluctuate that much in just a few days. gotta laugh about it or its too frustrating.

my jeans.

mom update: my mom and dad have decided not to go back to washington and will continue on with their plans in mi and hilton head. my mom has spoken with a few doctors and surgeons she really respects and they have all told her she can wait until they return home to see her doctor and decide if surgery is necessary. she has a biopsy scheduled for april 11th. she seems to feel good about this decision and is looking forward to her time in mi and hilton head with friends and family. thank you for your prayers and for caring about my mother and my family.

life is beginning to feel more and more "normal" and my energy level has increased. i did not realize how severe my exhaustion was until the idea of showering, grocery shopping, and caring for ava does not seem so overwhelming anymore. its nice. i spend a lot of time thinking about what is ahead. where the lord is taking us. what life will be like now post crisis. post cancer. in many ways the same and may ways so different. but good different. i feel like i have grown so much. i feel i understand trust in a new way. i understand health and the gift that it is. no matter how much money you have or how much you think you control your life...you can not control health. and for some people that is scary and unnerving. but for me it means i am more grateful now for the little things and the great big things. i appreciate what its like to really "feel good" because i so often thought...will i ever feel good again? and the answer is yes. its been nice to hear people say, "you finally have your color back" "you really look like libby." i love that. i met with some good friends for breakfast last saturday and they told me..."you look good. when we saw you in january at ava's party your color was not the same. you looked tired. you looked sick." and of course at the time everyone told me how good i looked. because i think they were expecting worse. what does a person with cancer look like? and the answer is not always the same. i know that because i never lost all my hair my appearance changed, but not nearly like it does for so many others. i hate hats. i hate my grey hat. i will probably burn it when i can. i am thankful total hair loss was not in my story. just waiting for my thinning hair to grow back a little bit and then i am cutting it. justin will finally get his wish. i will get a pixie cut. a "boy haircut" like i said in my haircut video (see it here). i am so over hats. i could scream. so as soon as i can hats will be gone and a short new look will be here. i am nervous and excited about that. its just hair. i know that. people tell me that a lot. but i liked my long thick hair. i am ready to look in the mirror and like what i see on the other side. i know that is hard for people...with or without cancer. but on a side note. a really good side note i was packing for nyc today and randomly decided to try on my favorite jeans (which i grew out of during cancer) and they fit. i can button them. a little more snug than i would like but either way i can wear them and they can button. so all is well. got a new little dress for the trip too. i have not been this excited about anything in a while. i love that its all a surprise. that i know nothing. justin planned it all. and finally starting tomorrow at 6:30am when we arrive at the airport...i will be that much closer to learning what this weekend of celebrations has to offer. thanks babe for making me feel special. and we are not even there yet and i already feel special. its going to be good. i know it.

i want to write about my thoughts on advertisements/sponsors on the blog and the man i sat next to on my flight home from ky. but that will have to wait. ava woke up and is yelling "mama." also a few days ago she said mommy. she said mommy for the first time and my heart stopped. literally it took my breath away. lastly ava is not sick. no ear infection. thank goodness. just a little cold and about six new teeth and a couple molars coming in. 

t-shirts.

this is not about me. its not that i think i am cool or special or anything like that. but we have wonderful friends (and some people we do not even know...but we would like to be friends) who are training, sponsoring, and working real hard to make this "team libby"  half marathon in nashville happen. its going to be cool. i am so pumped for it. thank you for training. especially those of you who hate to run like i do but are still doing it. i love it. i love it all. so if you would like a t-shirt PRESS HERE. our friends designed them and are getting them made. thanks for your support. even if you do not want a t-shirt.

also the nyc trip is for justin and i only. no ava. justin's mom is coming in from ky to take are of her. i am sad to leave her but so excited for some time alone with my husband.

a little mom update and ava.

my parents have decided not to fly back to washington at this point. they are continuing on with the original plan and flying to michigan on tuesday to visit family and friends. while they are in gr my mom will be getting a biopsy done and once they know the results...they will decide on what they will do next. either head to hilton head or fly back home. thank you for the comments, texts, and emails. we appreciate it very much. my mom is doing well. she really is doing a great job of not assuming the worst and allowing this not to be a huge distraction. which i know it hard. we celebrated wade's (my nephew) third birthday on friday with a great little party. he loved it. and then got a babysitter and went out for a fabulous dinner and celebrated. because we do have much to celebrate. even in the midst of the uncertainty with my mom, we are thankful for so much.

ava is a trooper. but she is coming to the end of being a trooper. we have been gone for about a week and i think she is ready to see her daddy, sleep in her own crib, and play at her own house. she decided last night from like 2am to 6am to not sleep. which she has never done her entire life. not even as a newborn. so am thankful for that. but regardless last night was tough. so it goes when having children. we are in the same room, but she is sleeping in a pack n play in the closet. we have a sound machine too. but that just muffles things a bit. so when she decided to get up at 2am and talk, whine, and then cry i had to get her up. i could not sleep through it. usually if i make her a little bottle of milk and rock her she is good to go and falls back to sleep. but not last night. she was wide awake and ready to go. i was not wide awake and ready to go. and i can not blame my exhaustion on cancer anymore. i am just tired. like most people. so finally at 4:30am we turned on the light and played. she unpacked our suitcase a few times and then settled down a bit when i turned on her DVD player. then at around 6am and watching her rub her eyes a few too many times (which i was hoping and seriously praying she would start to do) made her a little bottle and we rocked and she slept until 8:30am. which was nice for both of us. she now has a clear runny nose and is pulling on her ears. perfect. ear infection here we come. lets hope not. she also has about 6 teeth coming in. that has to be annoying. we head out tomorrow morning. hoping this day gets better and we can get through flying home.

justin and i head to nyc on thursday for our cancer-free trip. can. not. wait.

my mom.

i ended my post last night with this...a now cancer free family. we are still cancer free. i need to remind myself and my mom...it may not be cancer. my mom called my sister from the airport on tuesday on there way to kentucky and asked her to find her a doctor. she wanted to see a doctor because on sunday she had noticed a large mass on her thyroid. huh...since allison knows about three people in louisville and she was not real sure where to start. anyways, we find her a doctor and an appointment was set for wednesday morning. so she goes. her doctor agreed it was a very large mass and thought she needed to have an ultrasound. that happened this morning at 8:30am. we waited. i tried to be optomistic. we all tried not to worry. not assume the worst. this afternoon her doctor called and told her that yes two large masses were found on her thyroid. she called them complex masses. they are not cysts. it is not just fluid. it is something more. but we do not know what yet. a biopsy needs to happen first. so my mom and dad are in the midst of making doctor appointments and deciding if they will go back to washington immediately (they were planning on a 4-5 week vacation beginning with ky, then mi, then hilton head island with my grandparents) or stay in kentucky. or go to michigan (where they lived for 30 years) to get the biopsy done there. they are still unsure. still waiting to speak with her doctors back home. this is a hard time. the unknowns. and the waiting. and the what ifs? the timing seems unfair. this trip was about celebrations. but we will still celebrate. it may just look and feel a little different than we had anticipated. but this is life. the surprises we never ask for. i like to air on the side of. caution..."no one has cancer until its offically diagnosed." but that is not easy. your head tends to go to that place. i can not speak for my family but i am optomistic. regardless though her thyroid will most likely be removed (my moms sister had thyroid cancer two years ago and they removed hers). as we bathed the kids tonight i told my mom and sister...at least we are together. at least you and dad were not alone in washington and we can go down the initial part of this road together. so that is all we know. i feel sad and happy and numb and worried and calm all at the same time. if it is cancer. IF...it is treatable. or so we have heard. i am thankful to be here. for so many reasons. please pray for peace and for clarity and for no more cancer in this family. i love you mom. and my dad too. i am sorry. for what it is worth i am sorry you even have to go down this road.

whose going to be number one thousand? (oops as i was writing it happened. its now 1001.)

999 followers. i am seriously in awe. never imagined in a million years. thank you for reading and for joining us on this journey of cancer and now our life after cancer. we can not thank you enough. i am in kentucky with my family and loving it. instead of writing i am going to go upstairs and spend time with them. but just wanted to thank everyone who has been reading and praying since day one and those of you that may have started just today. it's all a gift. so thank you. i look forward to what is ahead for our family. a now cancer free family.