Friday, March 30, 2012


today we are talking about hair and remembering the one year anniversary of my pixie cut. for me personally...i enjoy having my hair long. it's what i do and it's what works for me. this is how i have pretty much looked for most of life (aside from a horrible haircut in 8th grade and when i decided to cut my hair when we moved to chesapeake). i wanted a new look. ha...stick with what you know and love and for me that is long hair. it is easy and i love easy. i am not one of those people that spends more than 10 minutes on their hair and that probably shows. i just like low maintenance.

 let's check out the hair stages over the last 14 months.

stage #1. these are the last pictures taken of my long hair. my comfort zone. i felt like myself with long hair and confident with it. this picture takes me right back. to that day. to the river house. to sara snapping pictures and pretending it was fun. it was fun...but right below the surface i was dying. so scared for what was to come and wondering: will ava and i look at these together or will these be a memory of a mommy she barely knew? i am thankful to was not the later.

stage #2. my hair did not fall out immediately after chemo one or two. it was gradual. a little more each day. so i decided it was time to cut it (not shave it). as the hair kept falling out and little ava not knowing any better than to grab a hold of it and take some hair with seemed that shorter hair would help with the whole i have cancer and my hair is falling out and this is sad and hard and i am insecure and nervous about how i will look as i loose my hair and i am not bold enough to shave it all of`f like some stronger women than me are able to do. so i cut it and i hated it. 

stage #3. for the rest of the fall it kept coming out gradually. in the beginning of december before heading out to a christmas party my sweet husband who could see my growing bald spots better than me said..."babe, it's time to wear a hat." thus the above photo became my look for about 4 months. hindsight is 20/20...but man i hate that hat. i often wonder why i did not just shave it all off? probably fear and insecurity.

i mean check below. that was not too pretty.

later that day i got this. my first and hopefully my last: i felt like i looked like a boy even though everyone kept telling me they loved it haircut. where i wore big earrings everyday to distract people from my short hair. disclaimer: people who have short hair i love you. you look beautiful. my friend laura has a short pixie cut and i love it and admire her. seriously. but here is thing. for me...losing my hair was significant. feeling insecure about my thinning hair and rather bloated face (thank you chemotherapy drugs that saved my life so i can not hate you but you did make me balloon up a bit) just added to the the various emotions and stream of thoughts and fears as we endured cancer. but....i like a good but...

it is just hair. i mean really when you are fighting for your is just hair. losing it because of a drug that is hopefully saving your life...come on it seems worth it. it really is only hair. it really is all about perspective. not a new and profound thought or anything but it has the ability to revolutionize your life. how we choose to see something. how we react. how we respond. how we walk through it.

it begins with perspective & cancer has given me a new perspective on just about everything.

hair is one of them. i realize it is normal to say to someone who is newly diagnosed and is preparing to lose their hair...not sure how one prepares for that...but anyways it is normal to say to them..."hey, it's just hair." although insightful and very true. it doesn't really matter. as women our beauty and our confidence and what we spend a ton of money on to color, maintain, blow dry, cut, straighten, curl, and buy fancy products to make it stay just the way we want it. just hair huh?

before you think i sound way too superficial...know this: i would lose my hair a million times over to be here today. please remember that. no matter what i say or dive into filter it all through that please. it really is just hair. but bare with me as i grow it out and the various stages may not be cutest or maybe your preference is real short or what it looked like six months. feel free to keep those thoughts to yourself as i look in the mirror most days and think two things: i hate my hair today but i am grateful to be alive.

but for a moment i want to dive into the emotional component that goes into watching your hair fall out. your little baby pulling in out without even meaning to. to when you shave it. put on a scarf. wear a wig or rock the bald head with all the confidence in the world. such confidence i did not have. i chose to wear a hat. to hide. to cover it up. in many ways save myself from what i thought shaving my head would do to my soul and to my heart. i chose to wear a hat. about six weeks after chemo ended and i was cancer free my hair had filled in enough to cut it all real short. so i did. i was nervous for people to see it. i was terrified of the response. thankfully no one said anything mean and for the most part it was okay. it is now a year later and my hair has grown a ton. thank you, Lord. long enough even for a little tiny ponytail.

my heart has grown heavy as i read more and more stories of other women and new cancer diagnoses and losing hair and the total upheaval that cancer, like an crisis will do to your life. i quickly return to those first weeks. the phone calls. the doctors. the questions. the fears. the surgeries. the idea of losing my hair. the idea of grasping onto my life so tight. maybe too tight because i thought i might lose it. i have loosened the grip these days. trying to keep my eyes on what matters and what life is really about. but in the midst of choosing joy and keeping my eyes on Christ i realized, the crisis, the total upheaval of everything...well that is what it is about. it is keeping a focus on Jesus and what you are about when things get crazy and scary and hard. we hate the unknown. i get it. it is natural. but the unknown. the surprises. the getting the wind knocked out of our sails...that is life my friends. that is the: this is so crazy and confusing and often unfair life we are living. but God is good. in the midst of it all He is good. even when it is hard to see and everything looks so grey or so stark white and black it's insane. either way we are not alone. no matter what you believe or what you are about or if you pray or if you believe in anything greater than yourself. do not miss it. do not miss the chance to make a difference. choose joy. choose life. make the decision to not waste whatever comes your way but to view it as a chance to grow. to learn. to change. to surprise yourself. i often think back to those six months of cancer and go...what? really? that was our life? this is our life?

what you do with it my friends is up to you. enjoy.


  1. Such sweet growth and change Libby. Miss you.

  2. I know that you miss your hair. Your long hair was beautiful. It will be long again. BUt you know what, I liked the Pixie. You looked so cute. But it was what the Pixie represented that you didn't like. I can understand that. I was afraid of loosing my hair when I had cancer. Actually it was my second silly. I still can't wear it really short. I tried a couple years ago and hated it.

  3. Great thoughts! Working through where we are, where we have been, and where He is leading us - all such important parts of the growth He's working in every one of us. Thank you so much for sharing your progress! God bless!!!

  4. Ever wonder who reads your blog? Well, somehow today, while sitting out in my porch in NC I came upon it. First I was updating my website, then started catching up on my friend Meredith McD.'s blog which led me to your blog. It's a small world. I know Meredith because of my association with Young Life. My son is an Area Director in Aiken, SC. My daughter is on staff in Nashville, TN. So here I am reading your blog when I should have been designing a pair of earrings for my friend to wear in her daughter's wedding on Saturday, when I came to your 'pixie hair' photo (which I thought was adorable btw). The earrings you had on in the photo will be my inspiration for the earrings I will make for my friend. They will be another color and not pearl, but they will be my creative beginning. Also, all that you have written will be my inspiration when I sit with another friend tomorrow while she gets her chemo treatment. So just know that with your blog you reach a lot of people. And have fun at Saranac! I've been an adult guest there and loved it. Our son is there with his kids this week. I'm praying for them and will include you and your sweet family.


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