Tuesday, February 21, 2012

trying to figure it all out.

i sometimes have a hard time just keeping it all straight and together. i like to make lists and plans for the day and end up creating anxiety for myself when i see what the day has. i much prefer a day of sleeping in and going to the park. but i think that is a given for most people. i really am not that busy. i am just working on finding purpose and joy in the mundane things. the things that make our life...well our life. i often get distracted with something and do not give my attention to ava. i get so focused on something and i loose sight of what it is important. but what if it feels like or seems like it is all important? how do you make it work then? i do want to be that person that is like...i am just so busy...i am not that busy. i mean i have things i need to do and things i want to do...i just have a hard time coping with days that seem so full that i miss it. i miss the joy or the purpose or the perspective. i want to have a focus and not just move through life in a constant state of...i wish this were different and this did not take up time or this was not going on. this is life. i know that. i realize that there is room for finding joy and seeing what is good right alongside the parts that i just do not like very much. for example, i do not think cleaning is fun and i wish i was magically showered with make up, hair, and outfit picked out everyday. anyone else?

i recently went back to work. it is part-time part-time. nothing to really...considering plenty of mommas work full time and seem to still clean, cook, and do laundry. not the mention the one hundred other things that seem to take our time and energy. all the things that seem to the fill day, but rarely make the to do list. for example,  last week ava peed through her pajamas last night so instead of a quick diaper change it was immediately into clothes, strip the sheets, wash 'um, and then get them back on the bed before her nap. or maybe it is a few little errands...mail scarves, picking up yarn, dry cleaning. but then your husband calls and can't find his brand new hair stuff i just bought him on friday (it is nothing crazy or over the top. just a little hair stuff). so i get to take ava out of her car seat for fourth time to swing into cvs. it's the little things. they are what seem to fill up our days. working on my friends baby shower, catching up with friends on the phone, returning emails, picking up the house. the usual. but this new little job is throwing me off a bit. not in a bad way. i am thankful to be working and utilizing my education and experience. i am working for an agency that provides therapeutic services to children who are at risk of being removed from the home and i am working on making it all work...without going crazy. did i even mention spending time with friends, my husband, or myself?!?

i do not want to get lost in the hecticness of life. no one wants that. i need rest. i want rest. but life does not always seem to allow for it. but i got a glimpse of what rest can look like last year and i think i liked it. so i am navigating my way through...stepping back, reflecting, finding rest, and healing...while keeping up with the endless lists, responsibilities, choices, options...when to say yes and when to say no. i imagine we are all walking down a similar road. no easy answers or simply conclusions...this is life and we keeping trying to do our best.

***side note: in a season of transition and newness i am finding that the tone on the blog. my heart for that matter has seemed a little down and let's be honest who wants to feel down or let alone read about someone who is feeling a bit down. i realize this. i prefer joy and laughter...i do laugh and see many reasons to be thankful...i hope you still see that woven through the authenticity of my heart and the way i share it on this blog. this too shall pass and you better believe i wont be wasting it.

justin got up with ava this morning so i could drink coffee, read, and talk to my friend for a second in peace. i read this in psalms. i finding i am spending a lot of time there right now.

116: 1-2, "I love the Lord, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live."

as i long as i live. as long as i live. as long as i live. that is truth. in the midst of it all...i am never alone.


  1. Don't worry about a "down" tone, Libby, those moments are part of your (and everyone's) life and those are the times when we get to be amazed at how God pulls us through... even if it isn't a big thing like cancer, but just a piling-up of the crazy busy little things of life. And coincidentally, one of my co-workers was just talking today about how she's getting those exact verses in a tattoo soon! Powerful words from a God who loves us, even when we're running around like crazy and not feeling like expressing the most joy. :)

  2. Oh Libby, I remember very well the days, months, and years of struggling with these same thoughts and feelings and struggles over balance and meeting all the needs and expectations that swirled around me. Everything feels like priority #1. What I remember is that just about the time I felt like maybe I had it sorta worked out...you three moved out...and all the wisdom and expertise was no longer needed. And no one really wants to hear about it anymore either.

    Just wanted you to know. You will make progress, but it is an ongoing process. Just when you have life under control, another child joins the mix and you start all over again, outnumbered when Daddy is gone. Or, you work more and the time for everything else is shorter. Or, some other issue surprises you and life needs to be readjusted once again. Don't expect perfection. Just hope you can keep everyone fed and loved and safe. Including yourself.

    The only constant in it all is a faithful Father who promises His strength, peace, wisdom and love for as long as you need it-eternity.

    Give Ava a big hug & kiss for me. Love to Justin.


  3. Amen to all of that. I completely relate and echo everything you describe! Finding meaning and truth and purpose in the every day, in motherhood, in the work day, etc. is so difficult. I struggle with that. I also have guilt because then I realize I have these incredible goals, or lists of tasks or projects that need to be completed, and then don't have the motivation to actually do them all, or achieve what it is I set out to. I get caught up in all the little things, the banal daily things of being a mom and taking care of a house, that I lose everything else, including the ME that existed prior to this current life. Thank you for sharing your heart. It really rang true to me. Keep searching and sharing!!

  4. This is nothing deep or inspirational, but it might save you time. Someone told me recently to double-sheet and double-mattress pad our little one's bed. As in: 1. waterproof mattress pad, 2. sheet, 3. waterproof mattress pad, 4. sheet. That way, when they wet through the first, it's not a sprint to the washing machine trying to get it all ready again before naptime. I thought it was genius. :)

  5. Libby, I appreciate your thoughtful honesty. We've all been there ... in that moment when everything seems so pressing, and none of it is what we'd choose to be doing, if we had the choice. The struggle to find joy and purpose amid the chaos is the real struggle of life today, no matter what one is doing. Thank you for sharing your life with us readers. I find that no matter when I check in to see how things are going in your neck of the woods, you are mulling over many of the same things I myself wrestle with on a daily basis. Thanks for being an inspiration and a voice of commiseration. =)

  6. Why are you down? Your soo lucky to be healed! Praise Jesus!!

  7. I completely know where you are coming from. I always fantasize about there being one of those big red "EASY" buttons where you just push it one time and instantly, something is done. I alternate fantasizing about EASY buttons where I am instantly showered and dressed, or where my house is instantly clean, or where the kids are instantly in jammies with teeth brushed and in bed. And I feel bad about wishing that one, because I know I should cherish each and every bedtime with them. Today was a day where I was in the car most of the day...literally...and when I finalyl came home, unloaded the dishwasher, switched the laundry, I realized now I need to go take my daughter to gymnastics. Back in the car. It was a "going through the motions" day for sure. I want to sit down and close my eyes and do nothing...reflect on my blessings...and know that God knows we are thankful even in the times where our brains are fried. ~Julie


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