just dropping in quick tonight because it is late. i am feeling a bit emotional for no specific reason. my heart feels tender. joyful. alive. for the first time in a while. i am feeling more like myself. who i really am. not who i feel like i am supposed to be. but becoming more sure that who i am. in my heart. in my gut...is just fine. some of my favorite girls just left. i stayed up late to find out who won best picture...the artist...not a shocker. though i have never seen it. but i loved moneyball and the help.
just a small story before i sleep.
every night when i put ava to bed...after books, songs, and prayers i lay her down and tell her...
"you are my favorite girl, ava. my most favorite girl."
tonight felt a bit rushed. people were here and it was getting late. since it was past her bedtime we skipped books for tonight and prayed quick. i kissed her and laid her down and covered her up. she always asked to be covered up.
i walked towards the door and said goodnight and as i was shutting it i heard...
"momma, am i favorite girl?" to which i realized what i had forgotten. "of course, baby. my most favorite girl."
then my heart broke with love. there is nothing like your love for your child and in a week and a half we prayerfully anticipate a clear scan and the thumbs up to start trying for another baby. i had no idea the emotion i would have over this upcoming scan. to know that i am still cancer free and that my body is healthy enough to be a mom again. oh, what a day that will be. i actually started crying today in the shower as i thought about what i would write on the blog when (or if) i become pregnant again. realizing more now than ever what an incredible gift and miracle it is to even be given the chance to embark on that journey. as so many people struggle for that reality. i do not take it for granted. i know nothing is a guarantee.
so for tonight i will hold on to that sweet little voice. making sure...momma am i your favorite girl?
just a small story before i sleep.
every night when i put ava to bed...after books, songs, and prayers i lay her down and tell her...
"you are my favorite girl, ava. my most favorite girl."
tonight felt a bit rushed. people were here and it was getting late. since it was past her bedtime we skipped books for tonight and prayed quick. i kissed her and laid her down and covered her up. she always asked to be covered up.
i walked towards the door and said goodnight and as i was shutting it i heard...
"momma, am i favorite girl?" to which i realized what i had forgotten. "of course, baby. my most favorite girl."
then my heart broke with love. there is nothing like your love for your child and in a week and a half we prayerfully anticipate a clear scan and the thumbs up to start trying for another baby. i had no idea the emotion i would have over this upcoming scan. to know that i am still cancer free and that my body is healthy enough to be a mom again. oh, what a day that will be. i actually started crying today in the shower as i thought about what i would write on the blog when (or if) i become pregnant again. realizing more now than ever what an incredible gift and miracle it is to even be given the chance to embark on that journey. as so many people struggle for that reality. i do not take it for granted. i know nothing is a guarantee.
so for tonight i will hold on to that sweet little voice. making sure...momma am i your favorite girl?
oh sweet story.
ReplyDeletewasn't just your heart that melted, mine just did too :)
ReplyDeleteAhhhhhh, she is so sweet. I am sure your emotions are so up and down. You have been through so much. The cancer still so fresh in your mind that sometimes it is hard to plan ahead. I have been there. It gets easier. I can tell by your words that you have that little bit of guilt that you are moving on and others may not be. I had that as well. My daughter's high school sweetheart's father had cancer the same time I did. We both had cancer in our legs. He didn't make it and I did. I felt guilty. Soon you get over that as well.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are fdoing so well and enjoying all these special moments with little Ava.
SO SO SO sweet Libs....LOVE IT!
ReplyDeleteRight there with you. Just left my first little baby, who is now 2 months old, for two days to go get my two year checkup. She was born post-chemo, and it was a completely uneventful pregnancy, labor, and delivery. We were given the ok to try for a baby 11 months after I finished chemo. It took us only 5 months to conceive after we were told there was only a 30% chance we ever would. Our God is great. Praying for the ALL CLEAR and a little brother or sister for Ava real soon!
ReplyDeletelove that you're feeling joyous again & i love the way the Lord uses ava to bring you that joy. so sweet. excited to see y'all in a little less than a month!
ReplyDeletePlease tell Ava that she is "Oma's favorite granddaughter"...at least until a 2nd granddaughter comes along, that is. Miss her, and you, so much.
ReplyDeleteMom
Seeing Sarah's "Family Rules" listed as a sponsor on this page reminds me to tell you how much Dad & I love our FAMILY RULES that you gave us for Christmas. They hang in our family room and friends often comment on them. Personalized. Love them. Treasured. Thank you again!
ReplyDeleteMom
Libby,
ReplyDeleteIt is so good to hear that God is bringing you through all of the many emotions you have been trying to come to terms with lately. It is an answer to prayer and I will continue to keep you lifted. I loved your bedtime story about Ava. I miss those bedtimes as my baby is 16. Enjoy every moment! I really believe that God uses the innocense of our children to keep us grounded and to show us really how simple things can be when we have that childlike trust in Him. As adults I sometimes think we over complicate things. I look forward to reading on your blog soon that there is another baby Ryder on the way. And I would be willing to bet that Ava will tell him/her that he/she is her favorite brother/sister ever! How precious!
Blessings...donna cason
Oh my, that is so, so sweet.
ReplyDelete