don't waste your life changer.

the plan was to post about the house today. for the weekly: don't waste your space.

but instead this is my heart.

i just got from a new friend's house where she and i talked and got to know each other (i seriously like her. like for real for real) while trying to make sure each of our 22 month old daughters were sharing and not pushing and using their manners. it is usually how it goes with mom's. just trying to get a word in between the regular interruption of your kids.

the funny thing i am experiencing as i meet new people is when do i drop the bomb? how do i casual say the 'ol... 

"so i had cancer this past year."

when is a good time? do i need to tell them? do i want to tell them? how can i not tell them i mean it colors so much about my life. in many ways all aspects of who i am now have a hint of it. a little bit of cancer touched this part me and this part and this part and this part and you get it.

how does one even respond to that..."i had cancer." most of the time the first response is...i am so sorry. how did you find out? what was chemo like? how was that raising ava? so are you okay now? to which i begin to tell our story.

in my head i am anticipating it because i know that it is coming. i mean i said this and that leads to that to which clearly points to...telling our story. i am quickly discovering no matter how many times i have told it and for the hundreds of times i will tell it again. it is sad and it is hard and it is sobering. i hate leaving out details but there are so many layers i can not possibly share everything in one morning play date. let alone the last ten minutes before i have to go.

i think to myself this is not doing it justice. there is so much more to say. so much to share. it runs so deep into who i am and where i have been and where i am going. i find myself saying...

"i have this blog and you can read the whole story there."

like some coward. it is easier to point people to this place than to really go there. but don't get me wrong i like deep. i like genuine. i like honest. i like real. i hope i am and desire to be those things. but i can't share it all at one time. i know that. logically i do. but my heart screams for wanting to share everything.

what i learned. how it changed me. why i am who i am today. what was scary. what sucked. what hurt. what i missed out on. what i regret. what i wish were different. why i am thankful. how it is all a gift. every last bit of it and how i myself fail to live that out each and everyday.

how for me many times there are just no words to even express what my heart feels.

my big life changer was cancer. but maybe for you it's parental problems. job loss. miscarriage. child on drugs. abuse at home. depression. anxiety. broken relationships. illness. fear. loneliness. you name it it's out there. whatever is changing you and forming you and molding you is your life changer. we all have one. not to scare you. maybe yours will not come in the form of anything i listed. maybe you will be given the gift of not walking through the valley. but if are or have or may in the future i know it is hard. i know talking about and sharing your story is not easy. but i think it changes things. i think it can take relationships to the next level when we share our stories. the bad and the good. the joy in the midst of the pain. or just the joy. or just the pain.

we are who we are for so many reasons. some traits are things we are proud of and others not so much. but either way the Lord is renewing us day by day. trust Him with your life. live as if you are not your own.

i am thankful for cancer. if you read this blog you have heard it before and you will hear it again. i love that i am thankful for something that still makes me cry when i talk about it. that brings me right back to all of it. every last bit of it. i get a lump in my throat the size of an orange and i have hard time keeping it together. that thing. that crazy...i actually had cancer? not a day goes by where i do not say that sentence in my head. the thoughts of i could have died. but i didn't. i hate so much about cancer but yet remain grateful for how it literally continues to transform everything.

don't waste your life changer. 

don't waste your valley.

don't waste your mountain top. 

the Lord is in it all.