Monday, July 25, 2011

on the eve that changed everything.

tomorrow is the day. the one year anniversary of when i was diagnosed with cancer. i am sitting in bed next to justin and my eyes are filling up with tears. i just re-read THIS post and then THIS post. my first two blogs ever. they are not even that good. pretty factual. just the beginning of sharing my heart and our life with readers. mainly just family and friends at first and now strangers, but friends all the same from all over the world. it feels like yesterday. as i re-read them it feels so so so raw and real. because it is real. it did happen. it is our life. not someone else's. i remember saying that over and over..."how can this be our life?" i want tomorrow to be joyful. it will be. it is a day of celebration. i was sick back then and now i am healed. five months cancer free. but i think i feel sad. sad that it even had to happen but thankful all the same that it changed everything about my life and my heart. you can not have cancer and not be impacted so deeply it still aches a little when someone even says the word cancer. it's like i perk up a little when i hear someone talking about it. someone they know who is sick or someone who died. i can feel their pain. confusion. heartache. i hope that never goes away. i always want to try and enter into others pain in some way or another. just so they know they are never alone. someone else gets it. what it feels like to be scared. or numb. or confused. or angry. or thankful. or hurt. or in pain.

i just stopped writing for a second because justin asked me a question and all i was thinking was how badly i want to burst into tears but i am holding them in. i am not sure why. i sometimes like to pretend like i am tough. but i am not that tough. i want to be joyful and thankful for how the Lord carried us through cancer and healed my body. but i think i might be sad too. or just need some time to be sad and then celebrate the life we are living. a life free of cancer. in my body anyway.

we are going to carrabba's tomorrow night. it's where we went on our first date after i got sick. we will use our last carrabba's gift card we got from when i was sick. i am mostly sad right now. but i think that is okay. i will write more tomorrow. more in depth on what this day meant to me last year and what it means to me now.

thank you for loving us from day one and praying for us through cancer.


  1. Love you Libby. I remember crying on my bedroom floor at Rockbridge long before I had even met you and reading your blog wanting to be like you. I am so thankful for healing and how the Lord called you so to Himself in all of this.

  2. I am so happy that one year later you are cancer free!! God is good! Enjoy your dinner date! =)

  3. So thankful and blessed you are cancer free. I smile when I think of the lives that have been touched by you sharing your story. I love you and hope that you have a wonderful day! Love you, Shirl

  4. When my one year anniversary came up I was convinced something was wrong. The doctor disagreed with me. I was headed for my appt. and had my bags packed as I was sure I was going to be put in the hospital. Before I got out of the house the phone rang. There was a little boy in the day care that I worked for that was in foster care and they needed an emergency placement for him. I went to the doctor with a different attitude. Left the bags at home and I was just fine. Hmmmmm that was 21 years ago. Those anniversaries can play with your head. But really after the first year things got better each year. Good luck. Congratulations on the first year. P.S. We adopted that little boy and he is 25 now.


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