a little something late night.

justin put ava to bed at eight tonight. he came into our room and asked if there was anything i needed. i said no. so he went upstairs to work on some stuff or hang out. not sure. but i needed to sleep as i did not nap today. but i think i finally felt ready to sleep because ava was down for the night and that rests my soul a bit.

i woke up to an OVERWHELMING amount of text messages and emails. about 500 i would guess over from throughout the day. and i just spent the past hour or so reading every word. sometimes twice. every facebook message, post, email, phone call (only had one). i cried. good tears. of how far we have came. and always being so shocked when i read something from someone i either do not know or people i am not even that close with. but you care and you care deeply about our family. i am still awed by it. and i again go back to wondering why we hear from some people and not word from others. and i am not sure the answer. maybe people do not know what to say...so they say nothing. but thank you. from deep inside me for those of you who took the time to walk in this valley with us. in whatever way that looked like for you. cancer is scary. period. but for me it is even more scary when it hits your own family. and you are young. and you have a little baby. and because i seemed healthy and strong we were blindsided. literally had the wind knocked out of us and we did not even know it. we had to keep moving. we had to keep living. we wanted to. but i think there will be a lot of reflection going on this blog in the next months. as i am feeling even more emotional about this entire season than i have yet. maybe because i was in go mode. so i just kept going. often without thinking. just moved through this season of cancer in the best way we knew how. and it was not perfect. not even close. we often failed to even talk about it late at night when justin and i were in bed about to shut it down for the day. it was too deep. or we had talked about it all day with other people. justin often said that not one conversation would start with anyone that did not begin with...how is libby? how are you all doing? so maybe we were too tried. but that bond. that thing inside you that brings two people together when they are married...it is often okay not to talk. we just knew. and that was often enough for us. i knew my own pain so it gave me a glimpse of his. and the same for him with my pain. we were separate in some ways in this because i had to get the tests and endure the treatments. but marriage is not about being separate. we are one. and this whole cancer thing has given us a real look at what oneness is. and that its good. real good. but also hard. and sometimes embarrassing to admit that its ugly and we fail. but we walked a tough road. like many of us do. but the end is in sight. finally.

on feb 16 i will get my pet scan. and because my dr is the best he told me at chemo today when he walked over and gave us each a high five. that we should email him on feb 18 to get the results of my scan. and then we will have an office visit on the 23 to talk about what is next based on the scan results. there really is an ending point. thought it would never come.

love the new header. thanks sara. i miss my hair. and fitting in to my favorite jeans. but the day will come when my hair will be long and i will rock my jeans again. just not for today. and that is alright.

do not miss this video justin made.

just press the words below.
video on the eve before our last chemo

its done. i did it. its over.

we are home. we made it. we made it through 12 chemotherapy treatments. it was joyful and emotional. hard to celebrate because i really do not feel very well at all. but either way its over and i never have to get chemo again. i can not explain what this means to me. i have cried more today than i have since this all began. i had no idea i would feel like this. but i am so thankful its over. and i did it. we did it. we freakin' did it. its done. i could scream. justin did scream in the car when we drove home. i will scream when i feel less exhausted.

thanks for loving us. and for the texts, emails, mail, and flowers that arrived today. it helps that so many people are celebrating right along with us.

i am in bed. ava is sleeping. and we are watching top chef. our favorite. my husband is beside me working on his lap top. its so nice to be together. to celebrate how far we have come together. i thought we were a strong team before...but man...cancer does something crazy and special and deep to a marriage.

in bed but enjoying today.

today is the day. chemo number 12.

my white blood cell count is high enough. so we are good to go. i am sitting in my chemo chair as i type this. i am about to begin my final chemo treatment. i am so emotional. thank you for the encouragement today. be sure to check out the video justin made last night. 

Last Chemo Day! (From Justin)

Dear Libby,

I cannot remember all the chemos individually. I can just remember seeing you suffer and sleep and I hated them more and more each time. I remember taking pictures to send to family and friends and you smiled in the beginning every time! The smile gradually faded, but your faith did not. I am so thankful that you BELIEVE, really believe, that the Lord's good hand has been apparent in this from the beginning. Because of that I am so thankful for you as my wife, our friends and family who prayed through this -- I will not think back to those times and hate them. I will never forget what this has taught us.

I am so proud of you babe! Whether today or tomorrow, you have endured. Having been carried along by the prayers of many, you have made it through. Seriously, all Glory to God for this day! I am so excited to spend it with you. Today, and thank you Lord, the rest of our lives.

It is a true gift, and I will not waste one second of it. I love you.

J

check out our video. just press the words below.
We never wanted to forget last night, so I interviewed Libby

just a little bummed. but mostly not.

so tomorrow is supposed to be the big day. my last day of chemo. it was changed to wednesday oppose to thursday because noura my favorite chemo nurse. well my only chemo nurse is going to be gone thursday so we set it up for tomorrow. regardless she is my favorite. so i went today and my wbc was the lowest it has ever been. less than 200. so if it does not increase a lot by tomorrow i will not be able to get chemo. which usually i love. but not this time. i am mentally and physically and emotional ready to be done. we decided that if my count is too low tomorrow i will just have to get my final chemo from a different nurse on thursday. which may not seem like a big deal and really it isn't. but noura has been there since number one. so we wanted to go out with a bang together. hoping that tomorrow when i get my labs done they are high enough for chemo. regardless though i will have my final chemo treatment this week. which is good. really good.

after that appointment ava and i headed to her appointment to have her ear infection checked. she has been much better lately. no more cough or congestion so i thought we were good to go. but nope. she still has fluid in her little ears. so we will try yet another antibiotic to get this girl back to normal. its been over a month now and i am over it. its just a little too much for me. i just responded to an email to sara with...kids and cancer are hard. i am ready to get rid of the cancer and just keep my kid. ava is much more fun. even when she is sick.

so i was a little down. definitely physically. just so beyond exhausted. but you keep moving because you have to. and this is all just frustrating to me because on off chemo weeks i try and forget i have cancer. and then it sneaks up on me again. i think because the end is so so near i am just over all of it today.

but thankfully i have people who love me. when we got home justin was home for the day. yay love that. and i had 2 bouquets of flowers waiting for me (thanks k family and t & s). really. means so much. you have no idea. then...as i was blogging a bit. kind of feeling sorry for myself and how much cancer sucks and how much i do not want to be sick anymore another bouquet came (thanks k family). and i cried because i was reminded that i am not alone. not even a little bit. but loved. so dearly loved. thanks for helping me not feel alone in this.

i am planning that tomorrow is it. the end. its here. i did it. we did it. eleven chemotherapy treatments down and ONE to go. my mom asked me today if this has been harder or easier than i thought. and i am not totally sure what my answer is. but right off the top of head i thought...easier. so i guess i do have an answer. ha. but i know that was only possible because of everyone around us and those not around us. with meals, cleaning, prayer, babysitting, flowers, gift cards, the river house, money, family, letters, friends, emails, texts, and more support than i ever possibly imagined, really. i am not sure how to express it. but my little family of three only got through this season of life because we trust God with our lives and we were cared for in such a special way. He did that through the immense, deep, genuine love of people who know us so so so well and those we have never met. so thank you. i am getting a little ahead of myself as i wanted to write about this later. but i had to share my heart today. so in the midst of discouragement i feel loved. and you may not know what a difference that makes until you too go through something big and hard and scary and think...i could not imagine if...blank... happened to me.  and then it does happen and in the end realize we are all stronger than we ever thought and we were not meant to go through life alone. we certainly did not go through this alone. so thank you for entering into our cancer in the best way you knew how. it made all the difference.

*finally thanks to all my friends and strangers (soon to be friends when we meet in nashville) for running this half marathon in our honor. i hate to run. so thank you.*

off to carrabbas for dinner to end this thing right. 

hotels. we love them.

its monday. the beginning of a new week. i should feel rested but i am tired. my sister and drake left yesterday after a great visit. my sister helped a lot and we enjoyed watching our babes play together. even though ava is a little too rough sometimes. we are working on it.

justin and i celebrated valentines day a little early. between chemo, work, and pet scans last night seemed to be the best night. so we drove 15 minutes and stayed at a hotel right on the water. we love hotels. especially justin. he hooked us up so we had lots of good food and a few surprises all without having to leave the hotel. i loved it. we rested. we watched the super bowl. he surprised me with chocolate covered strawberries and a champagne toast to one more chemo. i remember writing...chemo number 1,2,3...and honestly feeling like this day would never come. and now it is almost here. on wednesday we will finish my treatments. we spend a little time talking last night about the past the six months, but mostly shared our hearts about the next six months and what we would love to see happen. i kept saying to justin how i have changed so much and i feel like i am different in so many ways and anxious about what that looks likes and what that means. mostly its just about our new view on life. we talked about how we were given a second chance. as individuals. a couple. and a family. its all a gift now. and we want to live like we did the moment we heard the words...its lymphoma. because in that second we changed. we understand now what it feels like to know that you may not have tomorrow. and how justin may have been a widower at 27. and ava may have never known her mommy. but that is not how our story went. and i can not help but cry and feel my heart ache with gratitude that our story did not turn out that way.

so here's to wednesday!

but ava is screaming so i am done writing now. she is sweet but sometimes not. but it really does not matter because to us she is still our precious baby. who is walking by the way. video to come...

good day.

my other sister is here now. along with her little man drake. he is 18 days older than ava. they do love each other because they are cousins. but sometimes they may not like each other. i have noticed that my little ava is not always so sweet. she is feisty. strong. and determined. and although i am glad my girl is strong like her momma. she can be a little bit of a bully too. we are working on the words be gentle. but we are loving watching our little babes interact and play. its a special time.

i am feeling good. tired but good. went to dr yesterday with ava and she is getting better. but not totally yet.
maybe she just wants to be a little sicky like her mom. but either way we are good and my sister becky is helping a lot. i do not realize how exhausted i am until i have someone here to help me. its nice to be able to relax a little bit and not run after ava all day. and nap time is dream time.

not much going on today. not that my heart is not full of stuff to share today. it is. but i am too tired.

so instead...

picture quality not so good. taken with my phone.

ava in her mommas hat. its precious. she love love loves to wear my hat. and i like that. not when she tries to grab it off my head in public. then i get a little embarrassed. but i do like that she wants to imitate me. because one day she may not want to be seen with me. so i will cherish this.