marriage. i know a little. but not very much.

lately i feel like i am waking up. waking up from a haze and finally seeing the light and attempting to choose to live in that light every single day. when people have asked how i am doing and how my marriage is going i seem to be answering with this a lot...we are at a turning point and i think it's a really good one.

i said often when i was sick that i was given the unique and special gift of seeing life through a new set of eyes. like a special lens. one that would experience a pain, fear, and illness like i had never known before. this would change everything...but in the midst of that continuing to see joy, purpose, and life...life to the full i have found tension between who i want to be and who i actually am. many of you have similar stories. some are vastly different. but we all have a story. one that is currently being written and sometimes we find ourselves in a chapter where we wish we could press delete, delete, delete or fast forward, fast forward, fast forward. anything to skip the crappy stuff. but the crap...that is what makes who we are. we wake up from the haze. the lingering cloud and here we are. not quite the same but still so much the same. it is there in the midst of the earth shattering shift: whether in fear or whether in joy...welcoming a new child into the world, falling in love, a great pair of jeans, or a phenomenal skinny vanilla latte that you used to love and then took a break and now wonder why you ever stopped. it is the small things. it needs to be the small things because the big things can often times be straight up too much. it is in those places. the ones that change everything that we surprise ourselves. we are given the chance to not waste it. to not feel sorry for ourselves or to fall apart. but to live...really live. there will be moments of falling apart. of tears. of pain. of brokenness. we need those. they go hand in hand in. let's not loose sight of what is real. life is hard and life is sweet. the two must exist together. but will we choose that? will we beg the Lord to meet us where we are at? whether broken or shameful or guilty or prideful or embarrassed. will we let Him enter into our lives and trust Him with our story. the one i believe He is writing for each and every one of us.

justin returned from greece on saturday night and i felt whole again. we do fine when he is away. but i want great. i want phenomenal. i want joy. when we are together i experience joy. being together makes sense. we get each other and man there is nothing like walking through life with people that really get you. i think i have like five or so. never counted. just made that number up. but i am thankful. most of all i am thankful for my first love.

shifting gears a bit. but same overall theme i think. i sometimes think i have lost it. the ability to tell a story. to share my heart. this blog started because our story took a turn and sometimes i feel stuck in where to go or what to say. i ask myself things like: have i missed it? have i moved away from authenticity, real, and raw? if i have i want to go back. i need to go back. i want to share my heart and be open to disagreeing point of views and remain true to who i am and what i am about. i want to be real. how do i share the bad right alongside the good? i try and be honest. i set out to be honest. but as i thought more about it...i came to this: it is okay. it has to be okay for things to shift and change. it is okay to not always have a clear direction. but i will keep moving.

we are all strong. even those of you that would beg to differ. i would challenge you. i struggle with anxiety and guilt among an array of other things. justin and i are not always on the same page. we are way too busy. we often feel disconnected and he feels pressure and i feel not pursued. i fail to believe seemingly simple truths about who i am. who Jesus says i am: beloved, free, joyful, and enough. i am all of those things. i know this. but i fail to believe them and live them out everyday. i so desperately desire to find my worth in who Jesus says i am...not anything or anyone else. but i tend to take my eyes of Christ. i must make a decision everyday and every hour that my life is not my own. i trust the Lord with all of it. not some of it. even when i am anxious. overwhelmed. tired. mad. confused and very ill prepared for the story He is writing in me and through me. but that is the glorious thing about it all. i do not have to be prepared or have my guard up. i desire to experience and live in the peace that the Lord is for me and not against me. i think if we knew what was going to happen in our life before it actually happened we would miss truly living out our story. in the midst of adversity we surprise ourselves. we are much stronger than we think we are. we rise to the occasion when we need to and when we crumble, when we break, when tomorrow seems like way too much...He is in it.

i am blessed and thankful for the many gifts in my life. i do not have it all together. i am painfully aware. but the desire of my heart. of every ounce of my soul is to seek JOY. to choose life. real deep life. where we do not waste it. any of it. it does not mean we have to find joy in every single thing. there is simply things that are just not really joyful. but i desire to live in His arms. to be carried and to stop carrying a heavy weight of lies that plague me and take over my heart and my mind that speaks lies about who i am and what i am about.

i am sick of the guilt i carry around most days. i see it stripping away my joy. my adventurous spirit. the desire to be free and be exactly who He created me to be. today i choose freedom. in Jesus there is freedom. i desire to laugh more, be spontaneous, and become who He is designing me to be and i will give both of them more kisses.

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giveaway winner:
eclectic joy winner is comment number 7: jordan black: "Looks fun and i love Cory's shop!!"
email me your info at libbyryderblog@gmail.com. congrats.


enjoy your monday. justin's mom is here and roma is making my job a bit easier. thank you. i am loving the break.