80's night.

thursday night we celebrated our friend ally's upcoming wedding. it was great. i kinda felt old. since most of the girls there are not married and still in college. but it did not really matter because i still dressed 80's, wore a mohawk, and stayed out until almost 3am. i still know how to have a good time.

 the bride. leslie you look cute too.

 sweet katie. what fun we had.

 we all knew (minus the bride to be) that we were headed out for a little night of dancing. but not just any dancing. um 80's night. who does not love..."girls just want to have fun" and a little tiffany "i think we're alone now." we danced to both. here's ally all dressed in her 80's bride outfit. 

shan shan gave me a mohawk. never. i mean never in a million trillion years did i ever think i would have such short hair. i am not that confident. i swear. but since i was not given a choice in the matter i a trying to rock this pixie with confidence and even a little mohawk when necessary. not everyday. but this seemed like a good night for it.

the whole group before we headed out dancing. thanks queeny for the pictures.

it was such a fun night. seriously just a good night of dancing and being with girlfriends.

ally i hope you felt loved. i know i speak for all of us...we are very excited for you and josh. what a precious gift it is to be married. i count it as one of the greatest things to ever have happened to me. being able to do life with justin. forever. enjoy the last month or so before the big day.

incredible weekend at the lake. our little ava is one tough adventurous little girl. we love it. more to come tomorrow. its date night.

happy memorial day.

off to the lake...

we are headed to smith mountain lake to spend the weekend with some of our dearest friends and "family". we are not related to any of them but they have taken us in as if we were there own. we love that. so we are busy cleaning out the car, cleaning up the house, and packing up to head out in an hour. we will see if that happens...

this morning was special. one of those times when i really got a glimpse of how thankful i am that we do what we do. our house was filled with like twenty college students who either lead young life or went to young life in high school...but it does not really matter why or how we know each other. but we love each other. my husband made about thirty too many chocolate chip pancakes but more is always better than not enough. we drank coffee, we played with ava, and enjoyed the amazing porch on the river. i love this house. mostly because it allows us to have people here. to welcome friends into our home day or night. everyone knows our door is always open. not literally. but you know what i mean. i think its been so special to me lately that we live where we live because right when we moved in we did not have many people here since i was sick. but now that i am better we are able to have people over more and more. i love it. i like to entertain. i always knew i liked the idea of it and wanted to be hospitable. but now its actually happening and i love it. we are living it.

a few of our young life leaders are headed to windy gap to do summer staff for the month of june. something near and dear to our hearts. justin and i met at a young life camp back in june 2005. we are working on writing the story of how we met. like all love stories they are special. often in ways that you will never be able to articulate to anyone else but each other. and sometimes trying to put it into words never seems to do it justice. i promise it will be written eventually. so we gathered together for some fellowship around food, conversation, and prayer. how grateful i am for the community of leaders and dear dear friends we have here.

they love ava. i have not even written anything down and i am tearing up. there is nothing else in the world like seeing people care for and love your child. we get to see it all the time and it's a gift. this morning was extra special because as our friend jacob was walking out the door headed to windy gap...our little ava crawled down the steps as fast as she could and yelled..."bye bye jaja." justin and i both looked up and caught each other's eyes and we both teared up. she did it all on her own. girl is smart. i tell you what she is saying and doing something new everyday.

i want ava to know what it means to love people. to live life with people. be intentional. go deep. be real. and throughout all of that see Christ and who He is in all of our lives. she will never grow up seeing anything else and that is a treasure. as we held hands and prayed as we sent our friends off for the month...ava was there. in the middle of the circle. talking and not being the least bit quiet. but she was there. she was in it and that is all that matters to us.

enjoy your weekend. its gorgeous here. boats and boats and more boats.

bachelorette party last night. we dressed 80's and i had a mo hawk. pictures to come.

no power and a little no more cancer update.

yesterday a storm rolled in and we lost power. although it was a little hot and we missed power and the luxury that it is...it was kinda nice. no phone. no air (i hated that the most. but we did open the windows). no tv. no laptop. just us upstairs enjoying each other and talking. even ava was able to sleep minus her fan. the noise she has slept with since she was born. thankfully around 2am i woke up to our fan along with the hallway light. power. finally.

we got up early to head to my doctor appointment. after arriving real late due to traffic i signed in. the receptionist looked at me and said she did recognize me for a second, due to the pixie. but gave me some nice compliments and said i looked healthy. it was awesome to hear. i sat down in the waiting room. the same room we spent so many hours. i remember looking around that same room back in august and thinking...we do not belong here. how can this possibly be our life. but we made it. its over. i am crying. not then. but now. its just so exciting to see how far we have come in such a short time. i am so glad its done. sitting there this time was not scary or nerve racking. nor was i nauseous even at the idea of what was to come. because this time it was not as scary. because i am healthy. what a gift that is.

i got my blood drawn and went back to see noura, my chemo nurse. it was great to see her and not want to throw up at the sight of her. we talked about life, ava, her new house, how i am feeling, her and her husband coming over for dinner at the river house, our summers, and how we can finally be friends because she is not giving me chemo anymore. it was good to see her. i am so thankful for her and how she walked through our journey with us. her role was just as important as the meals, babysitters, friends, and family who were alongside us the whole way. she had one of the tougher jobs in it all and we are so thankful it was her. exactly who we needed right in our situation. another gift in it all.

we celebrated with andi our p.a and dr. lee that my scan looks good and my blood work is fine. my levels are returning to normal. we are getting back to normal. our new normal.

this afternoon a couple friends came over. mandy and kristy. we talked about life, relationships, Christ, and cancer. they both read the blog while they were are school. its such an encouragement to me to hear how the Lord used it in their lives. how its hard to trust to God when tough things happen. believing that His plan is perfect. better than our own. even when we can not always see it or do not want to believe it. but He is good. all the time.  following Jesus is not easy. not sure where that idea ever came from. but its good. its better than anything else. knowing that this life is not the end. but living for a life in eternity with Him. but life is hard. sad. dark and lonely. but i told them today and will keep telling anyone who will listen...that without our faith in the Lord through cancer and for the rest of our lives...cancer may have been too much. too hard. too painful. too scary. the worst thing that ever happened to us. at times we thought those things. but what was always true. what we never wavered from was that He had us. never left us. not even for a second. even when we did not understand, we knew He did. so we trusted that. not ourselves.

last thing: getting new sponsors for june together. if you are interested in advertising something you sell that our readers might like send your info to libbyryderblog@gmail.com

attachment and a little note

we just got home from church. ava hates the nursery. well not necessarily the nursery itself...just leaving me. we have not dealt with this yet at all with her.  she has always been so great with going with whoever and is used to different people watching her. but not the case in the past weeks. she cried one and off for almost an hour straight while i was working out at the Y. i tried to take a picture of her after i picked her up from the play center because i had never seen her eyes so red and blotchy and sad in all my life. but the camera on my phone was not working. along with everything else on my stupid droid. i hate it. get an iphone if you can. so i pick her up and seeing her sad little face was awful. but as soon as i get her she immediately stops crying, waves, and says "bye bye" to the workers. at least we have established that she is fine. nothing is actually wrong. the only thing that is wrong is that she is attached me. literally. i can not leave the room without her crying or running after me. and poor justin. she only seems to want me right now and it's breaking his heart and mine. i know this whole attachment stage is normal and most kids go through its just tough. it makes me not want to leave her. ever. quit going to church. quit working out. and never leave her with another person again in her life. exaggeration. i will do none of those things. i will keep bringing her places and leaving her even if she cries. but i will always come back. i want her to begin to understand that her mom and dad always come back. 

this morning at church it took two rounds. justin drops us off and goes to park and i bring her to nursery. i explain that she is having some attachment issues and may cry for a second. well she clings to me. she grabs my shirt. whatever she can to not let her go. but i do manage to hand her off with some tears. i go meet justin and we sit down. i can not focus so i go check on her and she is still crying. i take her out of the nursery. not sure what my plan is next. so we get a bagel and i bring her into church. thinking this would be her dream. she gets to stay with us. but nope she starts to fuss. so we leave. justin and i discuss what we should do. we decide to try again. but this time i go into the play area with her and start playing and sneak out. before i do that a sweet friend of ours comes into the nursery and offers to stay there with ava to make sure she is fine. um, thank you. seriously i was so thankful. so i sneak out and when we get her after the service and we find out she did great and did not fuss or cry once. progress. we made some progress. one step at a time.

   

ava is currently napping. i am getting ready for a cookout tonight at our house and heading to the pool with ava and some friends when she wakes up. 

so we have a little guest post today from our dear friend mandy. we love you and matt and your two little ones. thank you for walking through life with us...even from a distance.

from mandy...

“And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”  1 Corinthians 3:18

…a reflection of our own marriage…
The first time I ever met Libby, I asked her to move in with us.  It was a bold moment for me, especially considering I had not asked my husband.  But there was something ringing in my heart and mind, and I know now it was the Spirit’s movement, coordinating God’s perfect plan.  We got to share an entire year with Libby and Justin, filled with true life…love and laughter, tears and troubles.  My husband Matt and I always joked that watching Libby and Justin interact was like looking into a mirror and seeing a reflection of our own marriage.  There were so many similarities in our personalities and our relationships…highlighted mainly by Matt and Justin making ridiculous statements or actions that they would later regret.  Libby and I always said to each other, “Good thing they are so funny.”

…a reflection of the light and hope for the future…
We were able to be a part of their wedding, and on that bright and sunny afternoon in May, we were honored to stand behind them as they professed their commitment to God’s plan and His purpose for them.  And on their faces we could see a reflection the light and hope for the future.

…a reflection of fear and faith intertwined…
I will never forget Libby’s voice on the phone that day in late July.  We were at my daughter’s swimming lessons, and I can still hear Libby’s voice saying, “…and you don’t know what to say, and that’s OK” as she finished the details of the past 48 hours--the diagnoses, the too many questions, and the not enough answers.  And in her voice was a reflection of fear and faith intertwined.

…a reflection of the darkness and uncertainty of cancer…
As I sat at their dining room table on a cold and dark November night, Justin and Libby shared their hearts with me, and in their words I caught a reflection of the darkness and uncertainty of cancer.  I listened as they traded thoughts, feelings, joys, and struggles.  I watched them wrestle with God’s purpose for them and grind out the realities of life and cancer.  And I could see them, in that moment, living out their purpose in God’s Kingdom.  Their promises made on that sunny May afternoon were being held to the fire, and here they were in front of me, really doing what we all talk about doing…accepting and leaning into God’s will for our lives.

…a reflection of her heart…
I checked her blog daily, and I could hear Libby’s voice poured out in lowercase letters—a reflection of her heart.  And we all caught a glimpse of a beauty that comes only from God.  A perfect integration of authenticity and faith.  The entries illustrated for us all how Libby and Justin had stepped up to the purpose and will God had for them in this season of life.  Only God has the full, panoramic view of how Libby’s words administered His Spirit to thousands of readers.  But just imagine all of the stories we will get to hear in Heaven…

…a reflection of the Lord’s glory…Libby and Justin, thank you for taking us with you on your walk through cancer.  Thank you for changing our hearts and minds.  Thank you for living out God’s purposes for you in His kingdom on this earth.  Thank you for showing us how to truly reflect His glory in all situations.  Matt and I are so thankful for you and can only hope and pray that we might be able to look at our marriage and see a reflection of yours.  We love you.  

thanks mandy. this was good stuff. i love you.

we are laughing. read the previous post first.

scan is CEAR. still cancer free. let's celebrate. we sure are. i can not even express my heart right now.
 i am so thankful. like so so so thankful. my heart could burst.

so lets all enjoy a couple pictures our dear friend matt took of ava and i at the young life kickball club. she hates to be held. it makes me sad sometimes.

that smile on my face is the best way to express to all of you reading how i feel right now. happy to be alive. thankful to be healthy and enjoying life. i am trying real hard to not allow cancer to rob me from our life. a cancer-free life that is full and rich (not necessarily money-wise) and bright.

the plan is to celebrate every three months that this body is cancer free. no else needs to celebrate. unless they want to. but the ryder family sure will.

the pixie is growing in fast. thank goodness.

3 months and a ct scan.

today marks our three month anniversary of cancer free! what a joy. really. three months. wow. so fast and yet seems like yesterday in some ways too. but in the midst of that joy i got to begin the day with drinking a large berry "smoothie" in prep for my scan. its not a smoothie. not at all. but they call it that. it creates a contrast inside you to help them see if there is cancer or no cancer. we are praying for no cancer.

its been hard around here lately. some cancer stuff and some not cancer stuff. justin and i did get to sneak away to virginia beach on tuesday for the night minus little ava. it was good to get away. to enjoy the ocean. we love the ocean. and enjoy the amazing gift we have of living on water. its incredible. we like little getaways. even if its for less than 24 hours. its nice to talk, take a walk, read, rest, and be together. that time with my husband is so good for me. to just slow down in the midst of it all.

but...

sometimes when we slow down i do begin to over think everything. like why am i so tired lately? is cancer back? no its not back. not possible. how could it. its only been three months and lymphoma is a slow growing cancer. i am just tired for normal reasons. that little pain in my hip. its in my head. i am sure of it. its not as bad as it was before so it must be nothing. round and round i go. who am i? this is not me i don't think. i am pretty tough. i try and see what's good in the midst of what's not so good. i do trust the Lord. i am just having a hard time slowing my thoughts down before they get out of control. praying for peace. lots of peace. and resting in Him. i got a text this morning as i was driving to the my scan and i said...i am not as strong as i used to be. to which she responded...it's okay, He's got you. true and true. He does. everyday. if i allow myself to rest in what is true not become overtaken by the lies in my little head.

cancer has been on my mind a ton lately. not in a good way. in a scary way. but two things have come from it.  although the idea of cancer returning causes a big lump in my throat and tears form in my eyes. we will do it. we will go through it again if we have to. because His plan is the prefect plan and i trust His over my own. and by next week when we get the results i can laugh about this post and how crazy scared i have been lately. that's my hope. laughter. lots of it over my week of anxiety.

thanks for those of you that this read blog and are continuing on with our family as we entire into many new phases of this whole cancer thing. there has been a little more cancer talk on the blog lately than i would have hoped. but its heavy on my heart and it's what's going on in this house right now. not overtaking it. not at all. but a little subtle underlying tone.

good thing life keeps happening...laundry, mopping, ava's doctor appointment today, cleaning my car, grocery store...the usual.

will post results when we know something. thanks for your encouraging words and prayers. it really has and does make all the difference.

ct scan

i have a ct scan tomorrow. our first real cancer thing since february. please pray that the results indicate that my cancer is still gone. i am real anxious about this. we will not know results until we see my doctor next wednesday. please keep us in your prayers aa we continue this new stage of life: post cancer.