Lyles and her first year of life.

After the girls party we sat around with friends while kids played and reflected briefly on this past year. Sharing about how it was only the Lords provision that I had the strength 38 weeks pregnant to stand alongside my family as we walked through the tragedy of pop pop. Then getting permission to fly at 39 weeks to attend his celebration of life service. My midwife asked..."as long as your willing to have a baby in ky than you can go." It would have been a fine state to have a child but alas she stayed put. It's not that  I am trying to make anything about the few weeks prior to her brith about me...because I am not. Far bigger and harder things were happening. But simply grateful that I didn't deliver on a plane or that when she did arrive on 1/14 that she was healthy. As we walk through complicated pregnancies with friends I am reminded daily that a healthy baby...well it is a precious miracle. So for our little lyles I see her life all wrapped up in what was happening preceding her birth and than three years before when freezing eggs were suggested. To which we opted to skip. I was talking to my sister yesterday as I party prepped and we joked..."ha who needs frozen eggs...not us!" See I know that life does not always work out the way we envision or hope or even beg for. So in the midst of the heartache we must try and seek joy. In the small and in the big. I can't even write about lyla on this blog without tears streaming down my face because I want to scream out loud that her life represents everything to me. All wrapped up into one tiny and sweet life. As she was sitting in her high chair eating cupcake número dos because you only turn one once I literally couldn't touch her or kiss her enough. her birthday brought me back to aves first birthday party. Which despite the food and family and decor (thank you sara) it was sad. Maybe I was just sad inside. Mid chemo treatments and although we were completely sure that I would fine it was just such a trying time. So three years later to be in a new home which I love and friends and kids and party decorating for both my girls who are celebrating another year of life. I feel full. The mess, the kids, the time with friends, and knowing that none of this is promised or exists for everyone. I didn't want to miss that or focus on things that don't matter. But my girls...I know that the life they lead and the woman they will become...that matters. So I won't stop. Teaching and guiding and comforting after scary dreams and changing diapers and cleaning up and doing laundry. Not because I love love all those things but because that's the package deal you get with kids. i often loose sight and get frustrated but yesterday gave me a breath of fresh air and the reminder that lyla wasn't always a done deal but she represents hope and how The Lord wants to bless up abundantly. It's our choice if we will miss his abundance if it ends of looking a little different than what we thought we signed up for...

But lyla. Man I am glad she's a part of what we signed up for...she's our little bundle of joy.

Our girls. Praying to impact their lives even a tenth to how they've changed mine.

sharing a bit of our story.

my sweet friend maureen works for an incredible website called...takethemameal.com. it is far more than a meal website and is full of recipes and encouraging writing. i emailed her a while back to share a little of our story and how our journey of cancer was impacted significantly by a meal website. i mean who doesn't love food dropped off at your doorstep...i know i do. people were so quick and willing to enter into our lives and help in ways that changed how we walked through that season of life. you can read more HERE. 

we cant always or ever really remove pain and sorrow and heartache from those around us. but we can bring meals, send cards, babysit, clean, send emails, texts, gifts, etc. we can ease the burden in small ways. before cancer i often felt paralyzed when i heard other people's stories and what they were walking through and often thought...oh, that is awful but what can we really do? thankfully there really is a lot we can do and i continue to challenge myself to not forget how quickly and abundantly people cared for us. My desire is to pay that forward and never forget where we were just three years ago. also health update: on new years eve i got a clean report. blood work looks good and my physical went well. i will have another scan later this spring.

also little lyles turns 1 tomorrow. seriously. one. more on her tomorrow. i promise.