here we are.

hi.

it's been a while. justin told me last night to stop making excuses and saying things like "remember when i had a blog..." so here i am. let me give you a little background on my silence.

i do not really have a good reason per say. mostly i think it is because the longer you get out of the routine of anything...exercising, reading, crafting, cooking (i would rather go out for every single meal for the rest of my life. just sayin'.) etc. the harder it becomes to get back into it. i am fine with never "getting back" into cooking. but alas we all must eat. it can be hard even when it is something you love. even though i have barely started to write i already feel back at home. the girls are in bed and music is playing and the house is quiet. it is also storming outside and i like it. it feels nice.

ava is in bed because she was a hot mess today so sister got put to bed at 7pm (i am screwed in the morning) and lyla was woken up from her late afternoon nap so we could meet friends for dinner so she is down. not for the entire night since she is not into sleeping 12 hrs at one given time. so i am tired. 4 months without a solid nights sleep makes one tired. but i know i am preaching to the choir since every mother out there gets it. sleep becomes a luxury once you choose to have children. but this is not where i start complaining because i know that their are many people out there who would give just about anything for a healthy little baby. we sure are thankful for our little lyla. i am just saying that i would not be mad if she decided to sleep a little bit more at night. that's it. i like sleep.

it is busy. not that i am soooo busy since i sorta hate how everyone throws that around so much. i am just adjusting to two kids and i work a little (i should for sure be writing my notes right now since i am about a week behind) and i have a life outside of this space. i guess lately i have been living my life oppose to writing about it or sharing my heart. i totally know that i can do both. lots of people are doing it. i read about it on their blogs.

but mostly i have been real insecure about my writing lately. long story short someone who maybe helps people publish books sorta looked at this blog and said they were not that impressed with the writing. i remember reading the email and getting a lump in my throat. kinda mad. kinda sad. kinda embarrassed. so i crept back a bit. a little hesitant to write. not feeling real confident in myself and my abilities and this blog as a whole. so that has been the tension going on inside my head. all different voices playing games with me a bit. not real voices. you know what i mean.

here is the reality. i am not that good of a writer. my grammar is atrocious (where to put commas and there or their. they get me every time. i know i should have learned that a long time in elementary school, middle school, high school, and maybe even in college. not sure. but i some how passed without ever being totally clear on some of the english language basics). but as i hid behind all sorts of things like a new baby, fatigue, work, laundry, and life. i just sat in those things and became more and more removed from this blog. i know that this place gives me life. it helps me work through things going on inside of me and puts words to it. it is a place where i document our families life and share pictures and share our life. i like to do that. i like to learn from other people and hopefully add a little bit of my own heart and our story to the mix.

i have a lot of excuses and even some good explanations to the absence and i am sure it is a combination of them all. i know that you make time for what matters and i guess lately other things have mattered more. i am not apologizing for it since i chose it and sometimes seasons of life look different. it has just felt like a lot. not a lot every hour of everyday but maybe when i have some free time i am choosing to read or sit on the couch or watch tv. just be. no talking. just rest. i need some rest.

so no promises. not sure the plan yet but i do have more to share so i will share it. i think i am back in that place where i am not sure what direction to go with this whole thing. maybe i do not need a direction for this blog? i really have no idea. but for tonight i am here. the girls are sleeping. justin is gone for work. it is quiet. some friends will be here soon to fill my living room and we will connect and share and all feel a little less alone in our stuff. i like feeling less alone.

i have two goals for the next 24 hours.  for lyla  to sleep well tonight (that is mostly on lyla. not much i can do. so i guess it is our goal) and for my strong little ava to listen to me. to simply do what she is told. that does not seem that hard but she has a tough time with it.

thank you for sticking with me.

finally for tonight...

during church on sunday i was reminded of the simplest truth about Jesus and how to get to know Him better and become more of who we were meant to be. i love thinking about that. the whole who we were meant to be forever. i want that. i want to grow and evolve and change. the secret to this is simple: spend time with Him. so my third goal for tomorrow is to spend time with Jesus. i guess sometimes it is tough to do it all. so i do what i can. but i am refusing to live like i am too busy for my Savior.

whose with me? what are your goals? please tell me i am not alone. please. help me out here.

my babies. they drive me crazy in all the right and sometimes wrong ways.