Tuesday, May 7, 2013

here we are.

hi.

it's been a while. justin told me last night to stop making excuses and saying things like "remember when i had a blog..." so here i am. let me give you a little background on my silence.

i do not really have a good reason per say. mostly i think it is because the longer you get out of the routine of anything...exercising, reading, crafting, cooking (i would rather go out for every single meal for the rest of my life. just sayin'.) etc. the harder it becomes to get back into it. i am fine with never "getting back" into cooking. but alas we all must eat. it can be hard even when it is something you love. even though i have barely started to write i already feel back at home. the girls are in bed and music is playing and the house is quiet. it is also storming outside and i like it. it feels nice.

ava is in bed because she was a hot mess today so sister got put to bed at 7pm (i am screwed in the morning) and lyla was woken up from her late afternoon nap so we could meet friends for dinner so she is down. not for the entire night since she is not into sleeping 12 hrs at one given time. so i am tired. 4 months without a solid nights sleep makes one tired. but i know i am preaching to the choir since every mother out there gets it. sleep becomes a luxury once you choose to have children. but this is not where i start complaining because i know that their are many people out there who would give just about anything for a healthy little baby. we sure are thankful for our little lyla. i am just saying that i would not be mad if she decided to sleep a little bit more at night. that's it. i like sleep.

it is busy. not that i am soooo busy since i sorta hate how everyone throws that around so much. i am just adjusting to two kids and i work a little (i should for sure be writing my notes right now since i am about a week behind) and i have a life outside of this space. i guess lately i have been living my life oppose to writing about it or sharing my heart. i totally know that i can do both. lots of people are doing it. i read about it on their blogs.

but mostly i have been real insecure about my writing lately. long story short someone who maybe helps people publish books sorta looked at this blog and said they were not that impressed with the writing. i remember reading the email and getting a lump in my throat. kinda mad. kinda sad. kinda embarrassed. so i crept back a bit. a little hesitant to write. not feeling real confident in myself and my abilities and this blog as a whole. so that has been the tension going on inside my head. all different voices playing games with me a bit. not real voices. you know what i mean.

here is the reality. i am not that good of a writer. my grammar is atrocious (where to put commas and there or their. they get me every time. i know i should have learned that a long time in elementary school, middle school, high school, and maybe even in college. not sure. but i some how passed without ever being totally clear on some of the english language basics). but as i hid behind all sorts of things like a new baby, fatigue, work, laundry, and life. i just sat in those things and became more and more removed from this blog. i know that this place gives me life. it helps me work through things going on inside of me and puts words to it. it is a place where i document our families life and share pictures and share our life. i like to do that. i like to learn from other people and hopefully add a little bit of my own heart and our story to the mix.

i have a lot of excuses and even some good explanations to the absence and i am sure it is a combination of them all. i know that you make time for what matters and i guess lately other things have mattered more. i am not apologizing for it since i chose it and sometimes seasons of life look different. it has just felt like a lot. not a lot every hour of everyday but maybe when i have some free time i am choosing to read or sit on the couch or watch tv. just be. no talking. just rest. i need some rest.

so no promises. not sure the plan yet but i do have more to share so i will share it. i think i am back in that place where i am not sure what direction to go with this whole thing. maybe i do not need a direction for this blog? i really have no idea. but for tonight i am here. the girls are sleeping. justin is gone for work. it is quiet. some friends will be here soon to fill my living room and we will connect and share and all feel a little less alone in our stuff. i like feeling less alone.

i have two goals for the next 24 hours.  for lyla  to sleep well tonight (that is mostly on lyla. not much i can do. so i guess it is our goal) and for my strong little ava to listen to me. to simply do what she is told. that does not seem that hard but she has a tough time with it.

thank you for sticking with me.

finally for tonight...

during church on sunday i was reminded of the simplest truth about Jesus and how to get to know Him better and become more of who we were meant to be. i love thinking about that. the whole who we were meant to be forever. i want that. i want to grow and evolve and change. the secret to this is simple: spend time with Him. so my third goal for tomorrow is to spend time with Jesus. i guess sometimes it is tough to do it all. so i do what i can. but i am refusing to live like i am too busy for my Savior.

whose with me? what are your goals? please tell me i am not alone. please. help me out here.

my babies. they drive me crazy in all the right and sometimes wrong ways.




22 comments:

  1. I am one of your silent readers. I am a college student in New England and your blog was the second I discovered on the blogosphere years ago. I am really critical with which blogs I pick--layout, stories, writing style. I chose yours because it was refreshing and real and down to earth. I loved that you didn't uppercase or put commas because lets be real... none of us ever want to. Your story touches so many people... I can see that through the tons of positive comments people leave. While I have always been scared of being seen as "creepy" by leaving a comment, I thought today would be a good day to start.

    I am halfway done with college and if I have learned one thing its that people wont always like you. If everyone does... youre playing it too safe. You seem like you have tons of supporters and people who think you are awesome... who cares about everyone else. I have to remind myself of that everyday.

    I drew a lot of strength from your blog. Your voice matters. What you say and how you say it matters. Everywhere I go I tell people to check it out. I can remember where I was when I first read your story... Ive followed ever since.

    I am so glad your back in the writing game. I may be in a different stage of life, but I look forward to the day when I can have a loving family and husband. Your life is an inspiration to myself and my roommates (who all follow!). Just know your words matter to a lot more than just me. I could care less about your grammar or writing style or what some critic thinks-- youve got a gift and sharing it with the world has been such a blessing. So thank you!

    xoxoxoxo
    Caroline

    carolineodonnell15@gmail.com

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  2. so glad you got a chance to check in here tonight libby! i've been eagerly awaiting to hear updates of ryder life. love hearing about the girls, you, justin, and creepishly stalking to get a peek into your world through this blog/instagram :)

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  3. I love your words. They've given me such encouragement, even before your friendship :) (how's that for stalkerish haha). So grateful God has lead you guys where you are today. So thankful for your life. So thankful for your girls... for the friendship Ava gives to Gabe (and the way they can learn to share and have kind hearts together)... and for sweet Lyla snuggles that are good for my soul :) sounds dramatic, but they really are. You are a gift to so many! Keep writing :)

    (p.s.... you might like to cook more when you buy the house and we remodel the kitchen... am I right?!)

    Love,
    Katy

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  4. Hi Libby. We met before at Katie Hacketts house, I live in DE and knew her when she was in high school. Anywho, I have been following your blog since the beginning (and when we met I felt like I was meeting a celebrity, haha! : ) and I completely 1000% love your heart and your words. I find myself clicking the shortcut tab to your blog daily to see if you have blogged. Sorry if that sounds creepy, but it is meant to be encouragement. I really do appreciate your honesty.

    As for that person who told you your blog wasn't good, forget them. They don't realize how God has used it in your life. They don't see you. It sounds like all they see is grammer and spelling. God made some people with english skills and others with realness skills (if that is even a word lol)

    So long story short, I love the blog and I know others do. We appreciate you and your stories of life. So thanks. I look forward to hearing more.

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  5. Hi! You don't know me, but I have followed your blog since nearly the beginning. I have commented a few times.
    First, I wanted to say, as a mom of two myself, the balance and adjusting to two is hard. Way harder than I thought it would be. Hang in there. You are doing great. I try for small goals each day as well. I rarely achieve them all, but I keep trying. I always feel so ashamed when my sweet husband comes home, but he is always so kind to me, even though I smell, my hair is crazy, and there are toys everywhere.
    Second, The lack of sleep is hard. What always helps me is to use those middle of the night feeding times as prayer time for friends who have lost or so desire babies. It draws me closer to God, takes the focus off myself, and gives me a little perspective. (I don't think you need a new perspective, I think you already get it.) I just thought I would share.
    Third, I love your blog and your writing. Correct English might be socially acceptable, but it doesn't show ones heart. You share your heart. Please keep sharing your heart!

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  6. So here's a true story. On two or three occasions when I have been having a bad day I have come to your blog and I have watched the video of you cutting your hair when you had cancer. It is a video that makes me cry but smile at the same time. The most beautiful video in a time where things may not have seemed beautiful to you at all. Your girls are gorgeous...and so are you. People that find time in there day to email someone about something that is not their business at all...well that person must have WAY too much time on their hands. I love reading your blog....commas or not. Sorry for the ramble but I just wanted you to know that your blog is so sweet and I want you to keep sharing. Much love from ky!

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  7. you crack me up lib :) ..." i read about it on their blogs."

    i'm with you. totally. 100% on all of it. our journey as mamas is the one that God uses the most in the process of sanctification for sure!

    lastly, you are genuine, libby. and deep. and real. that scares people. people don't know what to do with real. just ask Jesus!

    xoxo!

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  8. Libby,
    Your story matters. You are so honest and every time I read what you write, I smile. Your stories about your girls remind me of my early days with mine. I think God is delighted by your authenticity and your genuine desire to love Him and others. You should write, every time the Holy Spirit leads because there are those of us scrolling through facebook looking for an encouraging word. So maybe it's not about getting a book published, maybe its about sharing your life with others and letting God use those words to bless. Praying that Lyla sleeps well tonight. Much much love to you from the other side of the burg.

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  9. been reading your blog for over 2 years now... by far my favorite!! i honestly get excited when i see an update from you!! keep the posts coming... love reading no matter what it is about! you have been an inspiration and blessing in my life. thank you for being so real and always sharing your heart!

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  10. Lib! I feel like it's normal to second guess one's self when you receive words that are less than encouraging. However please keep the words coming. If for no one else, let the words be for you to either vent in the moment or to reflect on years from now. This is also where I come to see how I can pray for you, Justin, Ava, and Lyla Teddy. And praying for y'all is something I do daily. So please keep it coming and keep being you - you do it well! Friend, you are loved! -Ash Ham

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  11. Grammar, schmammar. There are so many people that love your writing so why let one person tell you otherwise? Your writing is powerful with or without it. You are an inspiration, incorrect grammar and all.
    Praying that your babies grant you the rest you so richly deserve <3

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  12. First of all, I am the worst when it comes to grammar. I have no clue where a coma goes. And...I really don't care. How dare someone judge you on a coma????? shame on them!!!

    OK. I feel better. You should be so proud of yourself. You became a wife, a mommy and then you beat cancer! then a mommy again! You really shouldn't worry about a blog. I love reading your blog! I love reading a lot of blogs. If you saw mine. You would start laughing and wouldn't be able to stop. I refuse to put my family out there. There are a couple of pictures on my blog and a few posts that are worthy. the rest, BORING! I really don't care! You are an amazing woman. A true christian. And...You fought the good fight. My son passed away at 17 from brain cancer. Actually, the Dr overdosed him on the last chemo. He was cancer free. He went into a coma and I had to take my partially brain dead son off of life support. They killed my son. Now. I see life different. I love more. I take life each day and try to do what makes ME happy. You need to do the same. I love your blog. I love your heart for Jesus! But, I am so happy to hear that you are taking time for Libby once in a while. Your babies won't stay little for long. Although I know it seems like you may never get a good night sleep. Some day you will sweetie. For now. Enjoy every day. If it means no blog. So be it.

    I can't believe someone would come to your blog and say such nasty things.

    Take care sweet girl. I think of you often. Kiss those beautiful babies. Take one day at a time.
    All will be fine. :)

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  13. I also don't know you and I read your blog. I found it a few years ago and was very inspired by your story. My best friend was fighting cancer at the same time as you. Unfortunately she lost her battle at age 30. I don't know you, but I know that God blessed you with this opportunity to keep telling your story....and you should keep telling it. The reason I started reading your blog is not because you're a professional blogger, but because you are a real person with a real story. It reminds me that God connects us all. My friend cannot blog, because she is up in Heaven but you can. You can keep telling your story. Keep reminding us all of how life is beautiful and yet really hard sometimes. I have Lupus, which is more chronic than terminal, at least for me...but I am inspired that you had children post cancer, and I hope someday to have children too.
    I know this is long and rambly....and I am also not good at grammar...but I just felt compelled to tell you that there are many people out there who are touched by your story and your writing. So keep writing. You are not only sharing your story but you are spreading His word, and that is something really powerful.

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  14. You are a wonderful writer, regardless of what any silly book person things. You always speak from the heart, are honest, and truly inspiring. I hope that you were able to get some sleep last night and that you get to spend some precious time with Jesus today. I love your blog and even if it's months between posts I'm still excited to come and read what you have to say. Have a great day. :]

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  15. I can TOTALLY relate to this post!! I also blog...about family, friends, cancer and just stuff. Nothing exciting but have had some extended family kinda speak badly about their "issue" with me blogging about anything. They don't understand why I think I should write the world about my feelings, thoughts, actions, etc. (They are EXTREMELY private people)...I never blog about them but they just don't understand why I feel the need to blog. I love it...its like therapy for me.
    Don't let others deter you from writing your feelings. Write what you want and when you want to...no pressure or there is no benefits from it! Your blog doesn't need a direction...it already has it...its about YOU! Take care...hope you got some sleep...these darn babies and their sleeping...we'll look back one day and laugh though...right?!? haha

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  16. I think the fact that you have a blog at all is awesome. It's been something I've talked about doing but have yet to get around to doing, for many of the same reasons you've mentioned. So feel proud for just putting it out there in the first place. Also, thank you for introducing me to other writers. I've found so many positive female writers through other blogs and I think that's an important connection to make. So thank you!

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  18. Don't let the nay-sayers get you down. You are able to reach loads of people with your blog. What does a silly book person know? Keep doing what you are doing, the Lord is blessing you. I love the picture of your two beautiful girls. What a blessing they are to you and Justin. Have a wonderful Mother's Day. <3

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  19. Omg!!! Finally....someone that feels the same way!!! Spelling and grammar....is the very reason I have been so hesitant to start my own blog. Two weeks ago I finally decided what the heck and started notes for creating my own blog. It should be up and live very soon. Thank you, thank you for sharing your fears and concerns with us, and let me tell you....we don't care one bit about the grammar!! We love your story....so continue to share any little ole thing, no matter how silly, small or short. You are real and honest about your life and kids and sometimes we just need to know someone else is losing their mind too....lol. Girl, your post made my weekend! Keep up the great work. I'm here in Lynchburg VA reading and laughing right along with ya!

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