i will wait.

if you are breathing and in your 20's than you have probably been listening to the new mumford & sons album on repeat that was released this week. but i do not want to discriminate...i am sure people of all ages are listening to the album. they are for everyone. it almost seems cliche that i am writing about this song since i can not seem to be on twitter or facebook without reading numerous mumford quotes. but when something is good it's good...let's call it what it is. a really good album with really good lyrics.

i have never been the best with knowing exactly what songs are about...i either like it or i don't. i connect with it and it does something to my heart or it doesn't. but the song i will wait has struck a cord inside me. watch the video and read the lyrics. maybe it will illicit something inside you, too.

And I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of dust
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way
Shake the excess

But I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So take my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

i am not sure if this song is about God or not. but to me it is. that is how it spoke to me last night as justin and i sat in our living room listening to the entire album. i could not get...i will wait, i will wait for you...out of my head. i even dreamt about it. a few minutes earlier my living was full of women who come over every tuesday night to talk about jesus, scripture, our hearts, relationships, where we are broken, and where we see joy. tonight we talked about 1 peter 2:9-17 about mercy and forgiveness and the nature of our hearts which tend to be frustrated with husbands, annoyed with colleagues, and the guilt we find ourselves in...which we were never meant to live. it was real and good for my heart. i like when plans change because an hour before my friends were coming over i wanted to send out this mass texts..."i am sleeping on the couch and exhausted. someone else want to host?" but for some reason i didn't send it. instead my fatigue was quickly shaken when ava decided for no particulate reason than laziness...to pee all over herself as she sat at the table and ate dinner. i lost it. like really lost it. i was furious with her. i asked for her forgiveness this morning because although i was not thrilled about her peeing everywhere i knew my anger was displaced. it had very little to do with ava and pee and much more to do with my own exhaustion and fear.


so here is the low down...i am deathly afraid that my cancer is back. i am realizing as we get deeper into this pregnancy that i directly correlate pregnancy with cancer. i am already preparing myself for when when baby number 2 is 6 months old and we are called into a dr. office on monday at 5pm to be told...you have cancer. now let me say this before i say anything else. i believe the Lord healed me. i want to sit in that truth and stay there forever and forever. i am trying. i am desperately trying. i am just not sure how to ignore symptoms that are very much "regular" and "normal" during pregnancy. for example, fatigue...i am tired all the time. aches and pain in most of my body because a baby is forming and muscles are stretching. but my hip. that left hip that was the home to cancer is now bothering me a bit and i am not sure how to say..."oh, it's nothing" when it was not nothing before and i spent 6 months making excuses for my symptoms and not telling my husband or anyone about how i was feeling. so i told justin a few days ago i was a little worried about the amount of time to which i would like to sleep in a given day. justin worries. he shuts down a bit and i can see the fear in his eyes. so it is easier to not talk about it. but you need to. the whole keeping stuff inside is a big ol' waste of time. yesterday i had my 24 week check up and little girl's heart beat sounds good. i am measuring on target and so far so great. she is fine. she is healthy. so when they ask...how is everything? my usually say..."fine. everything is fine." but today i decide to talk about my fatigue and some of the discomfort i was having and how yet again, our midwife was able to give a very logical explanation as to why i am tired...um, a human is growing inside my body. that is a big deal. but blood will be taken and i will see my oncologist for my 3 month check soon enough. what is strange is that i know rationally that it is very unlikely that any cancer has returned to my body. so practically i am on board. but my heart. my heart feels heavy sometimes and scared. very scared. i just don't want to do it again. i stopped reading that book about another mom with cancer. not the best timing. i am pregnant and hormonal and all over the place. i get that. pregnancy is for real people. it can mess with you. in the best way possible as well as the worst way possible. so along with my joy of decorating a nursery and picking a name and envisioning what she will look like and act like and how she and ava will have the sweetest relationship. those are what's good but what is hard are these lies. these stupid lies that something is growing inside me and no one even knows about it. that is what happened last time. cancer was growing and although i was being seen my doctors all the time no one caught it. so here is where i am today. trying to not live in the past and to be free from the lies. thankful for my sweet friends who sat on our couches and prayed. prayed hard. prayed boldly. prayed the truth. i am healed from cancer. i am healed from cancer. i am healed from cancer. living in a place of worry and "what if..." that only strips life of it's joy and it's today. today i am healthy. let me be so bold to say this...if...if i get sick again...well we will rally (you like that bev) and we will fight and we will rest in the Lord and trust Him with our lives. just like i want to do today and everyday until eternity with Him.

i guess i will wait made me think of the Lord and how He is sitting next to me saying over and over and over again..."libby i will wait. i will wait. i will wait for you...to trust me. to stand firm in me. to allow me to carry your burdens and your heartache. your worries. the lies. the fear. your life is in my hands." so whatever comes...whether cancer or not. pain or joy. life or death...i belong to Jesus Christ. i want to sit in that place and soak those truths in for the rest of my life. please join me. it is not easy. it is still crazy. the lies may continue to creep in but i will stand firm in who i am and whose i am.