our home feels right and comfortable...maybe for the first time since we moved to our new little city and new home. i think most of it has to do with that fact that for nearly three months we have been packing, unpacking, driving, flying, and traveling all over the east coast and MI...but now we are home and i can feel it. i do not mind being on the go. i like traveling. we desire adventure and exposing ava to new places and people. creating memories that will help define her childhood. summer camp. the beach. time with family. road trips. woven through all that is our little ava building relationships with her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and the special treat of being a young life staff kid and in turn being loved and cared for by people she may not actually be related to...but love her and teach her and guide her...as if she were their own. i love that. i treasure that. thank you.
but...
i think mostly what is going on is that we just needed to get through this year. the first year anywhere can be so hard. it is all about firsts. everything you do is with new people. i have often felt insecure and lonely and missed what is meant to be known. to do life alongside people who know you...your heart..your story...where you have been and where you are going. i hope you have people like that around you. wherever you might be it changes everything to have relationships that are real and genuine and safe. where you can be you...really you...and show the parts of yourself that might be embarrassing or that yours not proud of but where you desire to grow and evolve and change.
i think we are moving in a direction where life here is becoming more comfortable and the people around us do not feel so new. my heart is healing. i believe with everything that i have that sometimes in life you just need time. i think i needed time here to adjust. to be me. to be vulnerable. to feel secure again. we moved here during a time where i felt so incredible unstable. six months post-cancer. ava at 18 months was by far the toughest age thus far. i felt scared, alone, and sad. even with justin beside me and friends all over the country and more relationships than i am able to keep up with sometimes...i still felt unsure of who i was, where i was going, and most of all if i would every completely heal emotionally from cancer. physically i was healthy. thank the Lord. but emotionally and spiritually i felt drained and empty. i am so much more aware now of where i was then and where i am now.
pregnancy brought a lot of the physical pain and discomfort that reminded me of cancer back full force when the nausea, fatigue, and throwing up lasted 15 weeks. so now that physically i am enjoying pregnancy and the sickness has subsided my overall well-being feels healthier. i am beginning for the first time in a long time to be me again. to experience joy. to celebrate life. to keep my eyes on what matters. not so focused on what is hard and what i wish was different. today is a good day. my house is clean (for the first time in 3 months). i played with ava today...like really played. i want to be that mom way more. i am counting the days until 8.28 to find out the gender of this little baby. i envision ava as a big sister. what the nursery will look like. who will come to the hospital. my growing belly and rejoicing that i felt the baby move today. more than a little flutter...but real movement. there is nothing more real than feeling a little babe move inside your womb. it is unfreaking-believable. rejoicing to be a place in this pregnancy where it is not clouded by horrible pain and nausea. but instead i am just me with a bigger belly and bigger butt.
thankful for healing and growth. i will continue to do both.
but...
i think mostly what is going on is that we just needed to get through this year. the first year anywhere can be so hard. it is all about firsts. everything you do is with new people. i have often felt insecure and lonely and missed what is meant to be known. to do life alongside people who know you...your heart..your story...where you have been and where you are going. i hope you have people like that around you. wherever you might be it changes everything to have relationships that are real and genuine and safe. where you can be you...really you...and show the parts of yourself that might be embarrassing or that yours not proud of but where you desire to grow and evolve and change.
i think we are moving in a direction where life here is becoming more comfortable and the people around us do not feel so new. my heart is healing. i believe with everything that i have that sometimes in life you just need time. i think i needed time here to adjust. to be me. to be vulnerable. to feel secure again. we moved here during a time where i felt so incredible unstable. six months post-cancer. ava at 18 months was by far the toughest age thus far. i felt scared, alone, and sad. even with justin beside me and friends all over the country and more relationships than i am able to keep up with sometimes...i still felt unsure of who i was, where i was going, and most of all if i would every completely heal emotionally from cancer. physically i was healthy. thank the Lord. but emotionally and spiritually i felt drained and empty. i am so much more aware now of where i was then and where i am now.
pregnancy brought a lot of the physical pain and discomfort that reminded me of cancer back full force when the nausea, fatigue, and throwing up lasted 15 weeks. so now that physically i am enjoying pregnancy and the sickness has subsided my overall well-being feels healthier. i am beginning for the first time in a long time to be me again. to experience joy. to celebrate life. to keep my eyes on what matters. not so focused on what is hard and what i wish was different. today is a good day. my house is clean (for the first time in 3 months). i played with ava today...like really played. i want to be that mom way more. i am counting the days until 8.28 to find out the gender of this little baby. i envision ava as a big sister. what the nursery will look like. who will come to the hospital. my growing belly and rejoicing that i felt the baby move today. more than a little flutter...but real movement. there is nothing more real than feeling a little babe move inside your womb. it is unfreaking-believable. rejoicing to be a place in this pregnancy where it is not clouded by horrible pain and nausea. but instead i am just me with a bigger belly and bigger butt.
thankful for healing and growth. i will continue to do both.
hi libby!
ReplyDeletethanks for this post today. i am looking into grad schools and really uneasy about the fact that i might have to move. thanks for your continual encouragement and being honest. your blog makes me want to write more and brings me so much joy throughout my days.
Eww..now I really liked this post. I know where you've been and I know where you're going and I loooove you! That's on zip dog.
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