a few things to begin...thank you for sticking with me even though i randomly took a month off from sharing my heart, my life, and my family. it was not the plan. i did find that the longer i have been away from this space...the harder it has been to come back and the easier it is to believe: you have nothing of value to say anyways. so why blog?
i am still working through those lies even as i sit in my bed and type. but please stay with me.
this past month was full of life and memories that we will never forget. ava experiencing young life camp really for the first time. loving all the campers. singing and dancing at club. playing with her new friends. watching daddy be silly on stage and she even learned most of his lines and it's hilarious and building new relationships that will last a lifetime.
a few things i learned. to recap a bit:
living life closely alongside other women in varying stages of life is not only a gift...but a treasure and i am holding tight to the moments and the conversations that were shared. about marriage, newborns, toddlers, teens, life on young life staff, following Jesus, living without fear, trusting and i mean really trusting the Lord with ever last inch of your life and your being. i am thankful that i am not alone in any of this...even though it can sometimes feel that way.
that being pregnant, although a gift i will not take for granted. not even for a second has been hard. the nausea and the fatigue has brought me right back to cancer. the way i felt for days after chemo and the link between cancer and this new little life (although so very different) has caused my mind and my heart to be at odds. my mind triggering: this is cancer. you have cancer again. that is why you are sick. not only is a baby growing inside of you, but so is cancer, just like last time. be scared. be mad. be afraid. even in the dark places wishing...maybe it will just go away.
but. i love a good but...
the fear may seem real and the fear may even be natural but the fear will not strip me from joy and i choose joy. i begged the Lord all month for it. to really feel thankfulness and joy in the midst of pain and discomfort. sometimes it was easier to sleep, complain, and be short with ava. but other days there was joy and energy and i felt like me. much like with cancer...some days are hard and some days are easier. please do not miss this: i am not trying to say in anyway shape or form that this pregnancy and this new little life is even in the same hemisphere as cancer...but...the way my body is feeling in these first 12 weeks have been eerily similar and has challenged my mind and my heart as i wrap it all around the fact that this is what is true: a healthy baby is growing inside of me...not cancer.
yesterday day we saw the heartbeat. all is measuring well. i am 12 weeks and hopefully turning a corner. my desire to keep my eyes on Christ and fight and find my strength in Him.
tomorrow justin and i head to another young life camp to share the week with high school students and jmu leaders for best week of our lives. please pray students move from death to life.
i will be back after camp. my heart feels so full because this as been a place for nearly two years to share and decompress and often times write things i did not realize i was even feeling. this place feels like home and safe and i am so encouraged by the way the Lord continues to weave His story through my own.
i am still working through those lies even as i sit in my bed and type. but please stay with me.
this past month was full of life and memories that we will never forget. ava experiencing young life camp really for the first time. loving all the campers. singing and dancing at club. playing with her new friends. watching daddy be silly on stage and she even learned most of his lines and it's hilarious and building new relationships that will last a lifetime.
a few things i learned. to recap a bit:
living life closely alongside other women in varying stages of life is not only a gift...but a treasure and i am holding tight to the moments and the conversations that were shared. about marriage, newborns, toddlers, teens, life on young life staff, following Jesus, living without fear, trusting and i mean really trusting the Lord with ever last inch of your life and your being. i am thankful that i am not alone in any of this...even though it can sometimes feel that way.
that being pregnant, although a gift i will not take for granted. not even for a second has been hard. the nausea and the fatigue has brought me right back to cancer. the way i felt for days after chemo and the link between cancer and this new little life (although so very different) has caused my mind and my heart to be at odds. my mind triggering: this is cancer. you have cancer again. that is why you are sick. not only is a baby growing inside of you, but so is cancer, just like last time. be scared. be mad. be afraid. even in the dark places wishing...maybe it will just go away.
but. i love a good but...
the fear may seem real and the fear may even be natural but the fear will not strip me from joy and i choose joy. i begged the Lord all month for it. to really feel thankfulness and joy in the midst of pain and discomfort. sometimes it was easier to sleep, complain, and be short with ava. but other days there was joy and energy and i felt like me. much like with cancer...some days are hard and some days are easier. please do not miss this: i am not trying to say in anyway shape or form that this pregnancy and this new little life is even in the same hemisphere as cancer...but...the way my body is feeling in these first 12 weeks have been eerily similar and has challenged my mind and my heart as i wrap it all around the fact that this is what is true: a healthy baby is growing inside of me...not cancer.
yesterday day we saw the heartbeat. all is measuring well. i am 12 weeks and hopefully turning a corner. my desire to keep my eyes on Christ and fight and find my strength in Him.
tomorrow justin and i head to another young life camp to share the week with high school students and jmu leaders for best week of our lives. please pray students move from death to life.
i will be back after camp. my heart feels so full because this as been a place for nearly two years to share and decompress and often times write things i did not realize i was even feeling. this place feels like home and safe and i am so encouraged by the way the Lord continues to weave His story through my own.
Prayers to you sweet friend! That is a wonderful picture of your little family of 4! :)
ReplyDeleteDear blogger friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing such a beautiful and wonderful post. It was so encouraging. God bless!
HI Libby,
ReplyDeleteI was so happy to read the great news that Ava is going to be a big sister! Although I have not had time to reply before now, I have certainly had your new baby in my prayers (I saw your wonderful post the day after you posted).
I have continued to pray for you and Justin and all of the leaders and staff at camps this summer. Channing (my daughter) went to Lake Champion and returned on 7/6. She was telling me about a girl that took “stepped out of the boat” in Faith and wants to start a relationship with God. This child’s story brought all of the girls in their cabin to tears. She comes from one parent who is a Jehovah’s Witness and one that is an Atheist. How exciting that even with those obstacles that she now knows the one true God. I told Channing that we will need to keep her lifted in prayer as the enemy will surely try to use her parents to destroy the relationship she has with God. But we all know that God is in control and it is my prayer that when her parents see this Light in their daughter’s life, they will want to have the same in their lives.
I am so thankful for you and Justin for the dedication and love you have for kids, camp after camp….you just keep loving them. You are such a blessing and encouragement to me.
While selfishly I would love to see an update from you daily, when I don’t hear from you I am thinking that you are busy doing what you love to do which is serving our Lord. Never beat up on yourself for missing some time from your blog.
Joyfully praying for your little miracle and looking forward to hearing all kinds of Ava “big sister” stories.
In Christ,
Donna Cason