our new doctor. ( two posts today)

tomorrow we meet our new oncologist. it's at a fancy new cancer center in charlottesville at the university of virginia. i have no idea if it will be fancy. but it is new and named after katie couric's sister. not sure why. but anyways my doctor in chesapeake said my new dr. (not sure his name) is smarter than him and nationally known for his work with lympthoma patients and being so smart. we are thankful for that. but all that to say i am dreading tomorrow. i do not really want to meet him or his nurses. i like noura the best. i have to get a pet scan which i knew i was apart of the plan after treatment. every three months for the next couple years. i just do not want to go. it brings me back. back to cancer. to sad hard memories from last year. it is a little PTSD for me. the scan makes me sick. at least it did before. i am glad that i have justin because we get to spend the day together. that is me looking at the bright side of tomorrow and they even have an anthroplogie (the store) near by and i really want to stop in and get something fun for our new house. it's kinda like when you were a kid and your mom took you to get a milkshake after the dentist. if you were "good." at least that's what my mom did. i know she did at least once because i have vivid memories of a burger king drive thru. for me it will be swinging by anthro on our way home.

seriously though i have been kind of a mess inside my own head this past week. paying extra attention to ever little pain or discomfort or being "fatigued." i play those kind of games most days. i even envision what i will say on the blog if the caner comes back. stupid huh? well it is reality. not all day everyday but it is definitely on my mind. still not sure how to handle this whole...

i used to have cancer.
but i don't anymore.
but it could come back
i should not ignore any symptoms 
because that is what i did for several months 
then it turned out that it was something serious 
that serious thing was cancer.

and the scan i will get tomorrow will be the test that if the cancer does come back would be the thing to tell us that. so it is just tough. like everything in this past year having to do with cancer...it is all foreign territory. a road we never saw ourselves on but we are on it. so we are trying to figure it out as we go.

justin and i spent sometime today talking about how we felt about it. some of our fears and him hating how helpless he feels. we read a little scripture and ava ripped a page in my bible. we prayed for a bit too as ava ran in and out of the room being so loud and randomly closing her eyes real tight to pretend she was praying too. it was hard to focus. but thankful for the subtle way the Lord uses her to make us both smile in the midst of something we dread...any appointment having to do with the mere fact that i had cancer.

not sure when we will get the results but i will be sure to keep you updated. if you think of it tomorrow we would love your prayers. 10:30am pet scan. 1:30pm dr appointment. and little ava here all day with three different babysitters because it is going to be such a long day (it's an hour away). thanks for the help tomorrow girls. 

we trusted Him through cancer and we are trusting Him post cancer.  my life is in His hands.