children. we only have one so far. hopefully we will have more someday.

children are precious.

seriously if you are with your kids all day long or just on the weekends or for two hours before bed. invest in them. love them. teach them. ask them about their day. what they learned. what they are struggling with. if people are being nice to them or mean to them at school. how you can love them better. play with them. bake. cook. take walks. go to movies. the list is endless.

i am telling you. from the depths of me. when you hear "you have cancer" at least for me.
my first thought was... 

ava. 

i am her mom. she needs me. she will be so confused if something happens to me. she wont know where i went. i know her the best. i know what she needs. i know what every cry means and i know the best way to comfort her. i am her momma. i was designed to be her mom. no one else. just me.

before bedtime we read. this time justin suggested we all read in the tent together. i think it's a hit. ava's play tent is a from pop pop and shirl and she loves it.

the reality is ava would be okay without me. but the thought of it all ending. the idea of being a mom. raising my daughter. taking her shopping. teaching her to bake. to read. to put on make-up. her first boyfriend. playing sports. what to do when girls are mean. because girls will be mean. how to have integrity and be kind. going to the prom. college. what to do with her life. her wedding day. when she becomes a mom. why loving Jesus and following Him is the most important thing. 
 

i know some of you reading our facing this reality right now. but more of you have no idea on earth what it does to your heart and your soul when you are told you are sick and you may not have the time you thought you would with your family and your children.


this post is sad a little for me. it was not meant to be. my point is this. my heart is this. i share this because i want all of you to be able to enter into this with me...but without the cancer part. do not waste your time with your kids. seriously work can wait sometimes. not all the time but sometimes. kids want your attention. period. even if they act like they hate you figure out a way to show your child you love them. you might just need to be creative. you only get so long. some much shorter than hoped. for many a lifetime, but that is it. this is your family. you only get one.

i learned last year what it was like to imagine losing my own.


don't waste your kids.

i realized today i do not really take advantage of this precious time with ava. but i think right now is the best time to really start engaging. so we baked. we baked some brownies and ava helped. this morning we built a tower with blocks and she helped me make her lunch. we unloaded the dishwasher together. we ran around the house together. not my typical thing. but i have this new vision. this new lens if you will. i recall being too sick to do anything with ava. it was enough for me to lay on the couch and watch her entertain herself. during those moments i would have given anything to be more involved as her mom. how quick we forget. but i will not waste these years. this special time with only her. no other siblings yet. just the two of us. we went to mops (mom's of preschoolers. or basically any mom with kids) yesterday at a church a few blocks from our house. i loved it. ava is now obsessed with a two little boys in her class. the whole walk home she kept saying..."bye bye jacob. bye bye levi." i also met some new women and i really loved it.

but it is not always easy to get yourself moving and engaged.  i knew there was story time at the library but ava was playing so well in the basement and i was working on stuff that i thought...oh, we will go another day. but for some reason i got myself ready real quick and we made it just in time. ava loved it. i did too.

she would not take her eyes off those fall leaves

the best part was that not only did ava listen, pass out bells to all the other kids, and even help pick up. (she did however take a few toys from other kids...focusing on the positive). i met new friend. she has a daughter ava's age and newborn son. we started chatting and before we knew it we were exchanging cell phone numbers and talking about people we both know through young life. young life is a small world. in many ways it is such a little thing. story time for an hour. good playing for ava. i make a new friend. but what if she and i become real good friends? this is how friendships start. someone gets the courage to ask something like..."so how old is your daughter?" and the conversation roles.

don't miss those opportunities. they may seem small. but they are important in more ways than one.

to really invest in your kids means doing things we may not always want to do or going places you do not feel like going. but it is good and it is fun.

on friday before we left for the wedding my good friend katie came to visit. we had a roof top lunch and i pretty much loved it and i am obsessed with the idea of eating on a roof as much as we can from now on. 

 

my role as her mom is imperative in who she is becoming as a little person and one day as an adult. with that comes such joy and also a little pressure. not bad pressure. just pressure. it is becoming so clear to me the importance of cherishing the role i play in her life. the role you play in your life. being mom is not where my identity is found. it is apart of who i am but not who i am and i like that.

be intentional. be engaged. do not waste this time with your children.