we are busy celebrating/resting today...

because justin was "technically" out of town for our anniversary we decided to celebrate the big four years today. even though we did have dinner together on thursday. it was accompanied by the vast majority of young life staff in virignia. not necessarily romantic. but still great.

so its the perfect day for a guest post from my sister, becky. thank you for sharing your heart.

***To my dear sister Libby…I have written this in my head at least 10 times now, and no matter how hard I try to remember what I was thinking during those times, I can’t get it back, so I decided to just sit down and do it…so here it goes…I still remember how fast my heart was beating when you called that Monday back in July…at first it was just oh, I am getting this checked….then oh I need an ultra sound…and then my dr. wants to see me in his office as soon as I can get there, and to bring my husband…then lymphoma...then I have cancer...in those moments I felt the miles between us seem to grow…I hated that I couldn’t be there…because really we are just selfish and don’t like how it feels inside of us when we can’t be with the people we love, especially when they are hurting…August was a lot of just go, plans, calls, unknowns…I learned in that month that what you needed was a lot of the practical…you just needed things done, some things for you, and some you needed to do, so you felt you had some control over all the chaos and lack of control that cancer brings…I remember seeing you then back before treatment started and it was so hard to think, Libby has cancer because you were still the same beautiful sister I had always known…

During those fall months, I must admit I didn’t love you as well as you deserved, for those of you out there not knowing what to do, err on the side of just doing…I thought to much about what was right, what I should or shouldn’t do…that was dumb…just do…just love…just pray…just send cards…letters…gift cards…flowers…verses…just do…I remember wondering…am I calling too much or not enough??…I feared you would feel I was too overbearing or not interested enough, so I stopped guessing and just said, okay I will call when I want to call or talk, just like before cancer, and when you want to talk and can, you will, and when you can’t or weren’t up to it, then you wouldn’t…we talked about that and once we were on the same page I felt a lot more peace about my role in this…

I could write forever, but in interest of being respectful to readers I will try to be brief (for those of you who know me, that isn’t a gift of mine)…your 1^st week long over night summer camp experience, was about my 4^th, you were in tamarack and I was in blue spruce…we’d both gone without friends, and you were lonely and homesick (funny how Rockford seemed like hours away from home, despite it really being a mere 20 minutes)…the counselors let you hang with our cabin whenever possible, do you remember who was on my bunk, who loved you then…it was Erinn (vanden berg) jacques …back before any of us knew what God would do with YL in your lives…He introduced you to Erinn…through YL and your relationship with her, you met God in a knew way, and was born a ministry in your life, leading to adventures, showing Christ to young girls, and ultimately meeting Justin…I love thinking of this, being reminded of how far ahead of us God always is, He knows, he is there before we even see Him…your cancer has taught me that again…thank you…

I remember selfishly not liking that the Chesapeake community got to do the direct loving of you, Justin, and Ava…I was jealous and didn’t like that I couldn’t do that, yet through the distance from family, God rose up within a community to show the power of believers, so thank you Chesakpeake community (particularly YL people) for being the local “family” for the Ryders, that we as their family all wanted so desperately to be, I praised God then and praise God today for knowing all of this and preparing you all to serve my sister and her family…thank you

I am sorry that you hurt, I am sorry that you knew so much pain, but I can honestly say your grace and seriously no complaints attitude has changed my heart, I think I complained more about your cancer then you ever did…I hate cancer, I hated that port, I hated looking at it in your skin, I hated when your hair got thin, hated that you couldn’t play with Ava like you wanted to, but looking back I thank cancer for how it changed us all, by I am sorry that it caused you so much suffering…

I wish we could do play dates, I wish we could do dunkin together, I wish we could watch movies, talk until late in the night (face 2 face), do dinner parties, get pedicures, give you a hug, watch Ava explore her world, laugh at Justin being Justin, have a great bottle of wine (or even a cheap one from walmart), laugh, pray, be lazy on the couch, or go for a walk…but most of all what I have learned is that we don’t get all of our wishes, God hears us and He loves us, but He is in charge, and I praise Him for that…His purpose was to have you all go through this away from me (and the rest of the family), because that is it-it is His will and not ours be done…but I got the wish I wanted the most...I get to make more memories with my little sister, and that was my greatest wish and most heartfelt prayer…

PRAY…when you are not sure how to love on someone suffering with cancer, PRAY, all the time and everywhere, God is the ultimate healer…pray, He hears, He answers, not always how we want, but he does…and I am so grateful that He did answer our prayer for your healing…

I have said this before, but I say it now with even more conviction then on those prior occasions, “I never knew or imagined I could look up to my little sister this much, I want to be just like her when I grow up”…and today in 2011, those sentiments haven’t changed…I am proud to call you sister, friend, and fellow daughter of our amazing, healing, loving Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ…you are loved…forgive me for the mistakes I made…thank you for including me on your journey…I eagerly await what God has in store for you, Justin, & ava…

I love you, Becky