tuesday july 27, 2010

today is crazy. our phones do not stop ringing. we are on the phone all morning with different doctors trying to get appts with hematology oncologists that people recommend and we are on and off the phone with my endocrinologists office to fax my records different places. it is nuts. sweet ava is and out of her exersaucer because we can not hold as we are on the phone and i am wanting to skype with my sisters, allison and becky back in mi. ah its nuts. even though she is ababy, she seems to sense something is not right. that breaks my heart. but i am thankful that she is so young. too young to remember. when i nursed her to bed last night, after hearing the news i started to crying thinking, ava needs to have a mom. then my mind quickly goes to imaging me telling her the story when she is older of when mommy was sick. that brought me peace. it is good to see my sisters faces and my three nephews. jack, wade, and drake. it started to become real for me though. at this point only family and some really close friends know whats going on because so much is up in the air. i keep saying that. i keep thinking that maybe all the drs are wrong and they read my x-ray and ultrasound wrong and how maybe i am making something out of nothing. denial. but i think that is normal.

its now 1pm and our sweet friend ally comes over to watch ava while we head to the hospital. we tell her whats going on and ask her to pray. on the way i tell justin..."i am so thankful we have ava. i know that i am going to fight harder because we have her." i do not say this part out loud, but i think, he would be ok, but ava needs her mom. i know her the best. i know each cry and each laugh. what would do without me? when we get there and are checking in i see justin's boss from Young Life in the waiting room and think, weird that he has an appt today too. ah, nope he was there to be with us. totally gift though. he sat with justin during my ct scan. got the scan. found out i was allergic to iodine. so we sit with an iv and get some medicine. we wait for the results. the nurse comes out and says the doctors are reading my results, but i need to get some blood work done. we do that and go home. scott prays with us. i have never felt more at peace in my life. since mondays news i felt so loved and protected.

worst news of the day came when i found out i could not nurse for 48 hours because of the iodine. i love nursing ava. it devastated me. now it is really real. what is going on is now impacting her. we get home and i go buy sucky formula. i stand in the aisle looking at all the choices. good thing i have a coupon for similac. so i got that. i give it to her and she loves it, of course. some good friends come over and bring dinner. we tell the story. we pray. we both remain on the phone non stop. my wonderful dr call me around 6pm and tells me that wet reading of the ct scan confirms what he suspected. since we can not see an oncologist until monday he says he will try and schedule a biopsy for wednesday. he tells me i can call him with any questions i have. wow. we lie in bed that night and pray. we sing the song oh love that will not let me go. i cry. i cant sleep. my mind is racing.