i am exhausted

precious little lyla is a joy. but during the night that joy seems to fade a bit when all she wants to do is eat and sleep in my arms. but who can blame her? i think i forgot how exhausting it is in the beginning when there is no real schedule or routine yet. i am trying to embrace it and enjoy life in my pajamas and being with both my girls. ava is obsessed and in love. things started out a little rough for her when lyla first came home, but things are much better now. it is nice when you give birth in January because it's so cold that it gives us even more reason to hunker down and hang out in our new favorite room. what a different a new tv (thanks justin), a new rug (thanks mom and dad), and moving furniture around can do to a room. i prefer to never leave. so i pretty much stay put. i did go out with both the girls on monday when it was nearly 70 degrees here. it felt natural. i said to myself...i can do this...i am doing this. even though i had many moments leading up her to birth, especially after pop pop's death that was i scared i would not be able to be a mom to two little girls and feeling such guilt for what this little girl was being born into...two emotionally exhausted and sick parents who were a bit lost in their grief.

we are sad for sure. we cry often. grief like this is something i have never experienced.

but the joy and life that lyla brings has helped us to get up and keep moving. we have to and we want to. our family of four feels good. 

we believe in a God that gives and takes away. we trust His plan that within two short weeks we said goodbye and then were able to say hello to a new life that has already stretched my heart to lengths i never knew existed. our hearts have enough room for everyone. i was nervous that my love for lyla would be different than ava because i have often thought (not really expressed out loud) that ava holds a special place because of what her sweet life gave to me during cancer. but now lyla holds her very own special place in my heart as she gave me hope and life and joy in the midst of loss.

i do not always understand the plan. but i trust the plan and like everything we have gone through and everything we will walk through in the days and years to come i trust the Lord and give Him my life. i find such peace in that. outside of that assurance i am pretty sure i would just be real scared and would cry a lot.

 first time out with my girls.

 my dad and the girls papa surpirsed us from tulsa, ok for a quick visit.

someone wants a paci like her little sister. not going to happen.

thank you to those of you that read the blog who have written emails, sent cards, brought meals, and mailed gifts for the girls. i am not able to express our appreciation.