dropping in real quick.

 ava says...it's friday go enjoy a cupcake.

thank you celebrating one year since finishing chemo alongside us.

enjoy the weekend.

today marks one year since chemo.

what a difference one year makes. this was not necessarily a year that flew by. it was full of so much change and so much uncertainty. in many ways it was a lot like 2010. the year we welcomed ava into our lives along with cancer. 2011 was a year of celebrating, healing and moving.

now two months into 2012 and so far it is one of healing. pain. sadness. joy. confusion. and fear. regardless of where i am at or how i am doing.

we celebrate one year since completing chemotherapy. yes. yes. yes.

one year down...a lifetime to go.

last year on 2.9.11 it started with this post: this from my husband. do not miss it.

then i posted the news that my blood count was high enough for treatment.

then i shared this glorious news: i had finished my 12 chemotherapy treatments.

finally, late at night  i thanked you.

one year later we remain thankful for my healing, that my cancer is gone, and i am physically free of the disease. 

i finished with this last year...i miss my hair and fitting in to my favorite jeans. but the day will come when my hair will be long and i will rock my jeans again. just not for today and that is alright.

i am excited to report that i do fit into my favorite jeans & my hair is growing. slowly but surely. see...

a quick snap shot of my hair while i sit in bed and write.

thankful that today was simply spent running errands, working a little, baking with ava, and relaxing.
i like 2.9.12 much better than 2.9.11.

what a joy it will be to return again on 2.9.13 to keep on celebratin'.

goal for next year...longer hair. still fitting into my favorite jeans and maybe a little baby on the way??

finding beauty...even when its hard to see.

love that we all like to keep it real here. i will never stray from that.

i am currently moving through foreign waters. trying to stay afloat some days. this place of healing and growing and peeling back the layers is like nothing i have ever experienced or known. but it is real and it is happening. the Lord is taking me to the end of myself. my friend angie and i talked it out via gmail chat last night. here are some highlights from my wise friend.

at the end of the day, God is either working IN you or THROUGH you.

  and He is working in you, lib. and so that means, that you are here on this earth to please God.so you run after Him, you continue to heal, and hear what God is teaching you.

  do not forget that He is working IN you right now...and maybe along the way, He sprinkles people along to hear what He is teaching you... but until then, you are here to please the Lord. and my goodness...this stuff would not be sifting if it wasn't needed.

if God wasn't using it to prepare you, to grow you...i heard a beth moore thing a while back and she said " God is ever after proving us genuine."and she said "God is after turning us inside out to put truth in our inmost parts." you are finally dealing with cancer. you have moved to a new place and are starting a whole new life. a new life with people who do not know your old. which has everything to do with who you are now.you are allowed to deal with this friend. you need to.you cannot pour into others, when you have not let God cut in and pour into you. so the journey continues... ***

switching gears a bit. which is okay i think. in the midst of it all...let's continue to celebrate the small things. like cute earrings. how about a sweet giveaway from my creative friend katie. 

 

hair is a bit crazy in the back.

whether you are buying for yourself or as a gift...there are some real cute ideas for a little valentines day gift. use coupon code "DWYC" at check out for 10% off your order.
just for you.

leave a little comment love on this post to be entered into the giveaway. 3 pairs of free earrings of your choice. nice! winner will be announced friday on the blog.
go check out it all out here:
www.onedelightfulbutton.com 

i tend to dislike blogs that...

only tell you the good stuff. that cause you to feel like you are the worst mom b/c of blank, blank, or blank. if it makes you feel bad don't read it. seriously. some people honestly just have a really good outlook on life. i try to be one of those people. but sometimes things are hard and sad and i just want to pull it together, but i just can't seem to.

so today i am bringing you some truth. i am sad. i cry a lot. i am obsessed with decorating my house right now b/c it distracts me from real life. i have a hard time forcing myself to get ready everyday. i hate running. my basement is messy and i need to clean my house.

see this is why we prefer to read the happy stuff. this just sounds like complaining and sorta annoying. it's like..."pull it together, libby." but let's be real. none of us have it together. even if someone seems like they do...they don't. not below the surface. let's all just be real together. sometimes seasons of life are hard. this is one of them.

playing catch up.

first off...thank you thank you for the incredible comments and emails that were written after this post. it is comforting to know that i am not alone in this. that we are all a little messy.

***

it was a busy weekend. in a good way. work. leadership. mexican food with our yl team. where ava on her own asked our server for..."guagamoly please." she then proceed to ask to get out of her high chair so she could say hi to friends. two little girls were sitting next to us so she joined them for a bit. she likes having friends. i like that she is social. headed home late. got up saturday and had all of our yl team leaders over for breakfast. justin was ambitious and the night before went to the store and got everything for pancakes. i had to run to the store early on saturday because the coffee he had bought the night before was previously opened. here is how it went...

that was just funny to me. great morning with leaders.

***

then our fridge stopped working. so i brought a ton of food to my friend ashley's house so it would not spoil. put some stuff in coolers. someone came and fixed it and there really was not much to fix...somehow the freezer temperature gauge had been turned down so low nothing was able to stay cold. later that night we went bowling. i did surprising well and ava was hyper. like out of control running everywhere. after we were done a few us hung around and had a little dance party with ava. girl loves to dance. put her to bed and watched moneyball. um we loved it. justin said at least twice...babe, i love this movie. for what it's worth we liked it.

***

got up sunday and felt a little funny but headed to church anyways. where i proceeded to throw up three different times before we headed home. slept. threw up. slept. ate a bagel. tried to lay on the couch with ava while she watched curious george. it was impossible. she was all over me. threw up in the laundry room sink. gross i know. justin told me. threw up a little more. slept. missed out on two possible super bowl parties. thankfully justin and ava will still able to attend. drank some gatorade and went to bed. woke up this morning feeling better but anxious about all that i needed to do for work this morning. finished my progress notes and other paper work and the day began. like five errands later ava is napping and about to do the same. trying to fight the anxiety i have about my growing list of things to do and how desperately i need to clean. it will have to wait. i am attempting to live life with a bit less doing and more being. more present if you will. not defined so much as a doer but a be..er (made the word be..er up. need spaces or else it would have been beer and that would not have made any sense.

***

more to come this week. like a fun giveaway and we have a little something or maybe a huge something to celebrate on thursday. try one year anniversary from my last chemo. WOW.

love him more today than every before. being on the same page in marriage is so key. let's stay on the same page, paragraph, sentence, and word for life. we do not have it all together. yesterday we fought over dumb stuff like..."are you really sick? i mean you were not sick last night." how silly is that. but we got in bed and apologized for where were both fell short. gotta do it. set the pride aside people and fall in love.

p.s still running and i still hate it.

because you rallied around us.

i do not do this often. but today it felt right. many of you rallied around us. without evening knowing us you came alongside our story. here is another families story. 

another lovely family just like ours and just like yours. they continue to be a lovely family...living a bit of a bump in the road. not what they planned. not what they expected. but as we all know far to well...life can change in a second. here is another story of how everything can change...but our God...He remains the same.

Mike Zegarski is the former Young Life area director (same job as Justin) in Naperville, IL. On March 21, 2006 he suffered a brain aneurysm. Michelle, Mike's wife, is currently still on with Young Life staff part time. The past six years have been a journey for the Zegarski family. Since the aneurysm, Mike has made great progress. You can follow his story from the beginning at this blog (http://www.mikezegarski.com/).

This video is an update on Mike's progress and sharing his story. For the past six years, Mike has been able to live at home with Michelle, and their two children, McKaela and Eli. Currently, The Zegarskis are working to raise funds to cover Mike's care expenses to keep him at home, where he is supposed to be. Throughout the month for February, a donor has agreed to match and amount donated to the medical fund, up to $20,000. One of the most beautiful things about Mike and his story, is that he continues to remember Jesus, and His love and grace, and he continues to pray for the mission of Young Life. Mike loves talking about Young Life and the way Christ is moving in kids lives. (written by a dear friend sarah spunt).

let's see if we can rally alongside them and keep Mike in his home with his family. where he belongs.

scratch the plan

we sang this song a few times last week. (ignore the dumb advertisement on you tube). i would watch it.

but in case you do not have time...here is the gist.


He makes all things beautiful & He is making us new.

i like to keep myself composed for the most part. i do not try too. i mean i want to be real and transparent and genuine. but i just do not want to cry all the time. however, last week i began to unravel a bit. i began for the first time...to really let go. stop trying to be strong. to pretend like i am fine. to rally. to go with the flow. to be tough. to be numb. how do things like this happen without us realizing it?

without meaning to i have begun to turn into someone i never wanted to be. i do not want to pretend i have it all together anymore. instead i am a mess. i mean i am fine. but i am still a mess. does that make sense? i am functioning fine. but my heart. my insides are a bit of a mess. scarred a little. pretty raw. just sad sometimes. not all the time. i just feel like i am carrying a heavy weight around that i am ready to lay down.

i want to allow myself to be weak, to cry, to be vulnerable.

He makes beautiful things. He makes beautiful things out me and out of you. 

He is making me new.  He is making me new. He is making making me new.

i think i like to keep it all together because in many ways our life is pretty transparent. pretty out there. ministry does that. Jesus does that. friends are in and out of our house all day long. for various things. high school students and leaders and friends. we do life together. it is not just the three of us and i love that. i do not even know life any of other way. i am thankful i am apart of something bigger than myself and my family.


but...


i am seeing how it is hard then in a new place to really be me. i was so scared to move because i knew we would be starting over. new home. new friends. new town. new job and lots of new people. but i think i thought i was supposed to be fine. be happy. be strong. be positive. be okay.


but...


although i am all of those things at different points in the day. it is becoming very clear to me. my husband. many of the people who love me the most...that it is time to heal. to enter into a season of working through. saying out loud. admitting to the world (we will start with my new counselor and my husband) that i am angry i got cancer. i am sad it happened. above all...that it is okay to feel this way and not have to explain why. it is simply how i feel. done and done.

i am so thankful that i believe in God and that He knows the depths of my pain. my hurt. my anger. my tears. my questions. my fear.

so here we go. i have no idea what is ahead or what this means. but i know that in order to move. to become unstuck. i need to heal. to talk through. to pray. to read scripture. cling to it. cling to Him. i am ready to move.

remember when i started this blog back in july of 2010. for two reasons. to keep friends and family informed on my recent cancer diagnosis and to have our story written down for ava. in case one day i was gone and my little baby wanted to read our story. her story too. praise the Lord i hope to share it with one day personally. i recall thinking that maybe i would stop this blog when we found out my cancer was gone...but i kept writing. sometimes for me or for my family or for ava or for you. it usually sucked when i wrote for anyone else than me and my own heart and what the Lord was doing in it. it provides a place to share thoughts i did not even know i had and feelings i did not realize were inside me.

but i think i am realizing why i had to keep writing. for this. for this time. for the post cancer. for the aftermath. for the uncharted territory that is: life after cancer. in many ways cancer was much easier to navigate. they told me i had cancer. told me what appointments to go to. when chemo would be. how i might feel after chemo. what would happen. how my body would change. there was a little bit of a road map.

but not life after cancer. it is a mess of...so you had cancer. that was unfortunate and your life changed forever and now return back to your everyday life. enjoy.

so i buried my feelings and we moved on with life. but now i want to peel back the layers a bit. see what i have been hiding from myself.

i am hesitiant to even publish this post. i do choose joy. we chose joy in cancer. we choose joy now. but life is not always joyful and cancer is ugly and deep and scary. i refuse to remain in this place and stop ignoring what i know is inside.