Monday, January 25, 2016

12 months later

its been almost 365 days since i have opened blogger on my computer. that didn't happen intentionally. i didn't decide one day to just stop writing. i just gradually stopped writing. i made excuses. lots of excuses. some may have even been super valid. either way i am finding myself back on this page. trying to ignore the lies and stop allowing fear to win. since moving to nj i have day by day begun to only listen to one voice. the one in my head that is mostly lying to me.

you have nothing to say.

your story doesn't matter.

people don't even care. they stopped reading once cancer was over.

you aren't learning anything...why force it.

you have no friends. no one likes you. what is purpose other than "just" being a mom.

lie after lie after. but the thing about lies is that if we allow them to settle inside us...they make a home in our heart and our head and it they aren't lies anymore...they are our truth. before we know it we aren't even sure how we got from back there to over here to right now.

but i am making my way back to what i know is true. i never stopped believing that jesus loved me, i was enough, heck i am more than enough because the creator of the universe made me.

be back. children yelling.

i wasn't thriving. i wasn't choosing joy. i was settling for comfort. stuck. new place. new home. not many friends or fellowship. trying to rally. it just felt forced. i felt insecure. not sure of who i was. it sort of felt like i was in middle school. just trying to find myself and make a way in a new place.

now like most seasons of life it wasn't all hard. all the time. i wanted to add that.

but as i reflect and look back and see a girl i do not want to return to...i am holding tightly to the friends who in the past weeks have spoke truth. encouraged me. loved me. allowed me to be me. in those moments i felt more alive than i have in a while. so here i am. pregnant. praise the lord for this precious baby girl. that i am walking into a new season as a woman. than a wife, mother, and new mom to this new tiny life. it all seems fitting. as i am making my way out the lord is bringing a new life into our family and into our hearts. i am grateful for the timing. 4 more months for this baby to grow and for me to begin...every day, every hour to choose jesus and what he thinks about me and my life and my purpose and in that...choosing joy.

my prayer is that the Lord will make a way (isaiah 43). i am not sure what that looks like or even really means. i don't think it matters. i am convinced life is far more about the day to day than the big picture. so for today i am moving towards truth and leaving each little lie at the door and believing that the Lord will make a way for me in this new season and new place.

i want to come alive here. to thrive where i am. maybe even bloom where i am planted. but what if you don't love where your planted? can you still bloom? does that even matter? what do you think? seriously what do you think. leave a comment or email me. i am dying to know if i am alone in this or if anyone out there is struggling to find passion and purpose and the midst of the mess of our head and our hearts and lies we believe.

i am peeling back the layers of my heart and exposing what i have been keeping bottled up inside.

thanks for making this a safe place for me to do that.

more to come.